Birth story of Pipsqueak (with baby pictures)

Oh my goodness there have been so many changes in our lives.

     So last Tuesday at 1pm I went in to L+D for a non-stress test, blood work and to turn in my 2nd 24 hour urine collection.  I was having contractions at home but thought they seemed completely irregular.  After being hooked up it was evident that they were regular, every 4-5 minutes.  The nurse checked me and my cervix was not dilated, high and thick.  So no action there.  2 hours later the on call OB came in and discussed my results.  The protein in my urine had doubled over the weekend and it was time to induce.  YIKES!  I knew it was coming soon but it was actually pretty scary hearing the words.  She checked my cervix then and informed me I was 1cm dilated.  By looking at the contraction pattern I was in she thought my body knew it was time for the pregnancy to be over and I was in early labor already.  

    I was moved out of triage and into a LDR room.  My pressures were through the roof so to prevent seizures during labor I was started on a magnesium bolus and then a drip.  My amazingly awesome nurse stayed with me every second.  She told me what to expect and had great sympathy for me as she also had received mag during her labor.  There was no sugar-coating - it was gonna suck.  It causes crazy heat sensations to envelop your body.  To help relieve this Dana the nurse continuously applied ice cold washcloths all over me during the 30 minute bolus.  It helped so much!  The entire time I was on mag I felt loopy, nauseated, flushed and had a headache but I know the initial hellish part was made easier by Dana.  Nurses rock!

     At 6pm the first dose of cytotec was placed near my cervix to soften it.  It was repeated at 10pm and 2am.  During this time I stayed 1-1.5cms but my cervix softened and thinned out.  All night I had the worst headache and was nauseated.  Contractions started to feel like really severe menstrual cramps.  They gave me zofran IV which made my stomach settled but couldn't give me oral tylenol for the headache because I was NPO except for ice chips.  My mom asked if I could get a tylenol suppository.  Best thing ever.  Finally I slept about 1 hour. 

     At 6am a pitocin drip was started.  This obviously made the contractions pick up.  By 8am I was moaning through them.  They were lasting about 60-90 seconds and coming every 2-3 minutes.  I was checked again around 8am and was almost 2cm and my cervix and come down and was completely thinned out.  

    Things get hazy here.  The pain was all encompassing but I felt powerful - my moaning kept me focused.  As long as I was getting a break in between them to re-center myself I was doing good.  Around 10 or 11ish I started having 2-3 contractions on top of one another with no break in between.  This I couldn't do.  I was still moaning but could tell I was losing control.  Dana offered me fentanyl and I accepted.  I got two doses one hour apart and they kept me sane.  Around 1pm I was checked and told I was 4.5cm dilated so I got my epidural.  I had been lying in bed this whole time (can't walk around on mag) so sitting up for the epidural made me sick as a dog.  I had 3 contractions while waiting for the anesthesiologist to prep my back.  I got pale, sweaty and vomited twice.  Luckily the actual epidural was painless and worked within 10 minutes.  My husband and I immediately fell asleep and my mom kept watch over the monitors and kept dabbing my face with a cool wet washcloth.

     Around 1:30 Dana ran in the room and put an oxygen mask on my face. She said something along the lines of "The baby just isn't as happy as she was before."  I looked over at the heart rate monitor and saw her heart rate was in the 70s.  NOTGOOD.COM.  Dana told my mom to pull the call light out of the wall to "get everyone in here".  She then hoisted herself onto the bed and rammed her hand up my vag.  As nurses and the OB ran in she said, "I'm afraid we have a prolapsed cord".  Another nurse also put her hand in me and the doctor started palpating my abdomen.  The pitocin was turned off and I was given a shot of something to attempt to stop the contractions.  Suddenly I could hear the heart rate dropping further.  I then passed a few clots and there was worry about placenta abruptio (spelling?).  About 5 minutes later my contractions decreased and Pipsqueak's heart rate normalized.  I was left alone and fell right back to sleep. (I was drugged and had slept only one hour in a day and a half so even with the drama and worry I was out!).  According to my mom about 15 minutes later the OB came back in.  She said she reviewed my contraction and fetal heart rate monitors and decided she just didn't like the way the baby was handling the stress.  We needed a C-section.  Within 10 minutes we were on our way, they weren't playing around.

     I was wheeled to the operating room and felt like I was having an out of body experience.  I don't remember kissing my mom and husband goodbye but I know I did.  As I was waiting to be transferred over to the table I got scared and started to cry.  The OB held my hand and said she would take good care of me and my baby.  I was then transferred, prepped, and the cutting began.   My hubby came in soon there after.  He held my hand which helped me stay calm.  Just before she was born I started vomiting again and feeling awful.  They held her up briefly over the drape and I glanced up.  She was beautiful but I was feeling so awful that it wasn't a big magical moment.  Soon thereafter I heard them say, "She's still losing blood".  I told the anesthesiologist I felt like I was passing out.  She said my blood pressure was really low and she was giving me some medicine to correct it.  I looked into her eyes and said, "Don't let me die".  She promised she wouldn't.  They brought the baby over at some point and I kissed her but I know this only from the pictures...I was fighting to stay conscious.  I then vomited yet again and fell asleep/passed out.  I woke up later as they were sewing me up.  I asked if my baby was okay and they told me she was in the NICU.  I am so thankful that I didn't ask for details and that they didn't bombard me with information.  If I had known she was having problems I don't know how I would have handled it at that point.

     I was wheeled back to my room for recovery and received several meds, had my epidural removed, and slept.  At some point that evening Pipsqueak was brought to me and I got to hold her.  She looked so good I don't think I even asked how she did immediately after the birth.  Sometime later that night I got the full story.  She wasn't breathing when she was born.  She was completely floppy, was bluish all over, and made no noise.  Her first Apgar was 2 (she only scored points for heart rate, got zeros for everything else) and the second was 6.  Here is photo evidence -

Poor Baby!

     They breathed for her with mask for one and half minutes, then placed her in an oxygen tank.  The extreme floppiness is because she was "all magged out".  Magnesium = bad evil drug.  But no seizures so I guess it's all relative.

Getting the NICU spa treatments

    Luckily she was a superstar.  Off all oxygen within an hour or two, then satted 100% on room air from then on out.  When she first attempted to breast feed she had a super strong suck reflex which is uncommon in premies.  Her blood glucose stayed stable on a small IV drip throughout the 24 hours I was unable to breastfeed her.  The only health hiccup we came across was some high bilirubin levels which was stabilized with 8 hours under the bili lights :

Her first tanning salon visit - note the cute shades!

     They pushed formula supplementation to help lower her bilirubin more quickly and I adamantly refused.  I had to fight several nurses and a pediatrician who all acted like I was a terrible mother but I knew my breast milk would be enough.  And it was. Her level came down and we were discharged Sunday.

    This week has been great.  She eats well, poops all the time, and sleeps sometimes even!  It is so not as hard as I thought it would be.  We are all so in love it is ridiculous.  Pipsqueak is super healthy, her pediatrician appointment today revealed that she is above her birth weight of 5lbs 12oz at 8 days old (usually happens about day 14) - Go Mom's titty milk!!!  I am so proud.  She has also already grown a quarter of an inch.  

    My blood pressures are still high but slowly coming down.  I was on procardia for 2 days which was hideous, now back on labetalol.  I am losing about 3 lbs a day and swelling is almost non existent.  Hopefully everything will stabilize soon.

    Thanks for all the prayers.  When all was said and done it was a sucky, scary birth but worth every moment.  She is our everything.

    

    

Being induced

So I am being induced as we speak. Protein in my urine has doubled in the last 3 days so it's time. I'm on magnesium to prevent seizures and it sucks!!! Cytotec is in to soften the cervix, I'm contracting regularly and 1 cm dilated. Pitocin to start tomorrow morning. Pray!!

Preeclampsia

I've officially progressed from pregnancy induced hypertension to preeclampsia. My uric acid level has risen from 4.5 to 6.1 in the last 2 weeks and my 24 hr urine test shows 467 something (milligrams? Grams?) of protein and anything over 300 signifies pre e. The doctor herself called me this evening to tell me the results. She said if the protein had been over 500 she would recommend delivery this week...as it stands now I am going back to the doctor Monday (you know you're sick when they want to see you back in 3 days) and will re check a 24 hour urine then. I am to go to L&D over the weekend if my symptoms worsen. This week I have progressively felt worse - headaches, diarrhea and just general malaise and "not feeling right". Just kinda flu-ey but not running a fever.

35 weeks 1 day today. We saw the perinatologist Monday - she has set a goal of us making it to 37 weeks if possible. Here's hoping!!!

I wish I would just go into labor next week on my own-an induction scares me but that's almost definitely what's gonna happen.

Sorry I haven't been commenting much. I am reading blogs - constantly in fact. It's just hard to type while lying on my side. I'm typing this right now on the new Blogger app which I was pumped to find! But I guess it's just for posting on your own blog, not for reading or commenting?

So many people are due this month and next - fingers crossed for lots of healthy babies and mommies!

34 weeks 3 days

Bed rest day 22.

Just a quick update - Saw the OB again Friday and she upped my labetalol (I'm now on 400mg twice daily).  Ultrasound looked great, Little Girl is still growing, moving and practicing breathing.

I see the perinatologist on Monday.

33 weeks 1 day

Bed rest day 13.

I am seeing a perinatologist on Dec 5.  I am to stay on strict bed rest until he clears me, with at least modified bed rest until delivery.  i.e. no more work for me.  I will run out of my paid time off/disability 2 weeks after our due date.  So that is going to make for an interesting financial situation but we will manage!

Had another bpp/non-stress test today - all is good! She scored 10/10 :)  I hope she continues to do well and ignore her mother's high blood pressure!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!  We did!

First BPP

Had our first biophysical profile today.  Little Girl looks great so that was a big relief.  My bp was 138/88 in the office on the labetalol and no protein in my urine today so so far so good.  Complete bed rest continues on a week by week basis.  Next appt is Wednesday.  BP right now (3 hours from next med dose) was 155/111.  Hmm.  She told me to call if diastolic (bottom #) was above 90.  I told her it gets higher as my dose nears and she said, "as long as your dose is coming up that's fine".  I am a little confused.

My amazing Momma stayed with me this past week and waited on me hand and foot.  She left a few hours ago and I miss her terribly.  I love you Momma!

Now my poor husband must pick up the major slack around here.  He is a wonderful husband and I'm sure he will be able to do this but it worries me - he is so busy and stressed at work right now.

Okay, I have had my head propped up for long enough, back to my left side now.  Thanks for all of the support ladies.  xoxo

Bed Rest

Dramatic turn here.   I've been to L+D 3 times in the last 11 days.  The highest my pressure has been is 200/120 Monday night.  Today at my appt it was 160/110.  I have been started on a beta blocker (labetalol 300mg twice daily) and am on bed rest until further notice.  The medicine is making me feel a little light-headed (like taking sudafed, all fuzzy inside) but better than having a stroke or a seizure.

I am now scheduled for biophysical profile ultrasounds and appointments weekly.

Does anyone have any personal experience with this?  Or any good blogs of women who dealt with high blood pressure in pregnancy?

PIH

Pregnancy Induced Hypertension - I've got it. :(

Yesterday at my 30 week appt they did an ultrasound just to see how big the baby is (I have been measuring 2-3 weeks ahead).  Everything was perfect - she is measuring at 3 lbs 5 oz which is the 57th percentile, fluid levels great, cord looks good.

Then my appt came.  BP initially was 136/100.  They had me lie on my left side for 10 minutes and then the doctor came in to check - 150/100.  They took me by wheelchair to labor and delivery and monitored me and the baby for 2 hours.  They drew every lab test known to man to check my organ functions.  My bp came down on it's own, only once contraction in 2 hours, Little Girl's HR was perfect throughout, no protein in my urine, and all labs normal.

Today I went back for a bp check with the nurse.  150/92.  She had my lie on my left side for 10 minutes and then it was 122/76.  My weight was the same as yesterday, and again no protein in my urine.

Besides swelling in my hands and face I have no other symptoms.  I am to call the dr immediately if I experience a rapid increase in swelling, headache, blurred or spotty vision, vomiting, dizziness or upper abdominal pain.  In the meantime I have no restrictions except - if I'm doing something that makes me feel bad I should stop doing it.  Ok then. I am allowed to work and eat whatever I want.  The Dr did say that this gets usually worse as pregnancy progresses and I may have to be on modified bed rest at some point.

So, I guess all is ok?  I was worried yesterday but feel better today.  I'm glad Little Girl is looking good - I just need to be vigilant about symptoms I feel I guess.

Anybody else have numbness?  The first 3 fingers of my right hand and my right thigh are numb 24/7.  Dr says this is from swelling??

I am at a loss for words...

A fellow blogger is going through a nightmare.  She just lost her twins at 20 weeks.  Please surround her with love - Miss Conception

26 1/2 weeks

Braxton Hicks continue - I called my doctor and was reassured that it was all normal.  As well is the right wrist pain (preg induced carpal tunnel syndrome) and pelvic pain (ligament pain).  

Our little girl has been quite active this past week!  I have seen my abdomen jut out literally like 3 inches! It is crazy - crazy awesome.

I'm up 18 pounds total.  I guess this is ok for where I am - but I know I am eating way too much and I can tell my ass and hips are growing right along with my baby bump.  I'm not completely depressed by this - but it kinda sucks.

I have my glucose tolerance test at my 28 week appt in 9 days.  I think I will be okay - the other day at work I ate a ton of candy and then checked it one hour later my blood sugar was 111.  I guess I know why I am up 18 lbs :)

Love to all~

Braxton Hicks

So I have been getting a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions.  Or at least I assume that is what they are - my uterus is rock hard on top and my bump gets pointy (as opposed to it's usual roundness).  It lasts a couple of minutes, happens more when I am on my feet (ESPECIALLY at work), and drinking water and putting my feet up makes them go away.  Dr Google says as long as there are not more than 5 an hour it's normal.  I think I have had about 10 today, once I had 3 in one hour (while at work running around taking care of a critical patient).

This is normal, right?  No pain during them, but I have had some achiness in my lower abdomen throughout the day, especially the left side, which I assume is round ligament pain.

Should I call the dr tomorrow just to check in with the nurse and make sure this is normal?

Besides that everything is great!  Holding steady at 24 1/2 weeks.  I hope all is well with everyone else.

Still hurts

I was curious to find out if pregnancy would 'cure' my infertile feelings.  Guess what?  It hasn't, it's numbed it at times, perhaps.  I don't hurt on a daily basis, I don't feel uncontrollable rage at every baby bump I see, I don't cry every time I see a baby on tv.  But I still see red when people make stupid comments, when people assume I am 'cured' by IVF.  Here are a few comments I have heard in the last few months -

• It's usually not as hard getting pregnant with the second one, I bet you'll get pregnant right away.
• What a blessing from God that you're pregnant!  I knew it would happen! (this only annoys me.  I do feel thankful to God or the spirits or whomever, but I am pregnant mostly because we paid a ton of money, went through an invasive procedure, and got so unbelievably lucky.  If I had sat on my laurels waiting for a miracle I have no doubt that I would not be pregnant right now, nor anytime in the future.
• I KNEW you were able to get pregnant!
• I bet you end up having 6 kids!

It is harder to get all worked up when I am standing there feeling my baby move around inside of me.  But it still makes me so fucking mad.  I always take the time to try to educate people.  For instance, when people talk about what a miracle this is I say something along the lines of, "It is a miracle.  I can't believe how lucky we are.  I'm so glad we went ahead and spent the $15,000 and decided to pursue IVF." That usually shuts people up.  Bringing up money and highly debatable medical science will do that.

On another note, pregnancy is going so great.  This second trimester is so amazing.  I have energy, I have no GI issues, I think my bump is cute, I get to wear elastic waist pants all the time, and my husband has been more attentive than ever.  I am lucky, I know that.  So lucky that I can't believe it.  

I hope you all get lucky soon.

20 week ultrasound

It's a girl!!!!

Measuring 50th percentile for everything - weight, femur length, head circumference, etc.  Normal size and location of placenta, normal 3 vessel umbilical cord.

SOOO amazing!

I thought for sure I was having a boy so I was thrown for a loop - but a happy one!  I was secretly hoping for a girl.

18 1/2 weeks!

I can't believe I'm 18 1/2 weeks pregnant!  OMG!

And to celebrate 50 followers (wow, I can't believe anyone cares what I have to say!) I have decided to put a photo up on this anonymous blog of mine - I will probably take it down in a few days but I thought you would all like to see my bump!

(removed)

It was taken this past Saturday on the day of my hubby's doctorate graduation :)

Things are going really well here.  I feel good - almost no nausea unless I let myself get too hungry, I have energy to clean/cook/shop/work etc.., I feel movement daily and I just have an overall feeling of health!  Even though I have been craving and eating some bad things (ice cream, chips, burgers) I am also eating plenty of fruits and vegetables.  So it all evens out, right?

8 days until our 20 week ultrasound!

16 week appt

I know my pregnancy posts are getting boring...and if you're still in the trenches fighting IF please know that it will not hurt my feelings if you stop reading my posts for awhile.  I so understand...I avoided some preg after IF blogs for a few months when times were tough.  Just know I love you and am rooting for you.

I had my 16 week check up today and it was perfect! I'll do bullets to update:

• I am down another half a pound (so down 1 lb total from pre IVF weight).  YAY!  I started out about 30 lbs overweight so I am so happy I'm not out of control.  The Nurse Practitioner asked me if I had any diarrhea or vomiting and I said, "Nope, not once this whole pregnancy, just dry heaves."  So she said I'm good!  Her only worry was whether I was eating and drinking enough.  BOY am I!  I drink water constantly (and a couple of iced teas a day) and eat probably anywhere from 2000-3000 cals a day (probably 2300 approx usually, more if it is a 'sweets' day:).  
• Heartbeat was wonderful.  Quote from the NP, "What a nice, strong heartbeat".
• My uterus is about two fingerbreadth's below my navel (which equals about 18 weeks) so I'm measuring about 2 weeks ahead (normal is 2 weeks either way so I guess I'm growing a biggie...maybe that's where all the calories are going!).
• My urine sample was negative....no protein, no glucose (so far so good..I am deathly afraid of gestational diabetes only because some days all that sounds good are carbs....if I had to be carb restricted I think I'd cry!).
• B/P 116/70
• My M.R.S.A. swab from last visit was negative (I have had one Methicillin Resistant Staph Aureus abscess in my life so because of that I need to be tested 3 times to make sure I'm not colonized...if any of the 3 come back positive I will be in isolation when I deliver...LOL).

All in all a perfect visit.  She even kinda sucked up to me it seemed...said that I was going to have the perfect pregnancy - not too big during all of this ridiculous heat and by the time I'm huge it will be winter. This visit was really good for my self esteem!

Next visit in 4 weeks will be for the 20 week ultrasound!  I CANNOT WAIT to find out what we're having!  I go back and forth on what gender I'm hoping for so clearly I am happy with whatevs!!

I STARTED FEELING MOVEMENT A FEW DAYS AGO!  AHHHH!  COOLEST THING EVAH!  Enough caps, I know.  It totally doesn't feel like butterfly wings to me.  Feels like a fingertip tapping lightly.  SO amazing!  I only notice it lying flat or just after sitting.  

Oh and for those of you that want a bump pic...I don't know what it is, I haven't taken a single one.  Not even for my private eyes.  I'm certainly not ashamed...maybe just feeling guilty?  A couple of weeks ago my too small tank top was riding up in front and DH said, "You're showing!" and I tugged my shirt back down and felt weird - like my heart started beating funny and I blushed.  It feels so personal.  Maybe when I get bigger and used to it I will take some pics and post a few?  Maybe I have PTSD from infertility? :)

ONE LAST THING (damn this is a long rambling post, you deserve an award for reading this whole thing if you are:).  We picked a nursery color!  It is a very light light green with a hint of blue, perfect for either sex.  Paint was on sale at Sherwinn-Williams so we got it.  Now DH just needs to paint!

xoxo

Bump

I feel like in the span of 3 days I went from looking chubby to looking pregnant.  But I think it's too early for me to have 'popped'.  Hmm.  Maybe it's all the fiber bars I've been eating (which has totally saved my life from const. hell :).  

My family is coming into town today-I'm so stoked!  They haven't seen me pregnant so I am wearing maternity clothes today for maximum bump effect :)

I know my blog has become a boring pregnancy blog.  I'm sorry.  I still feel infertile and I don't think that's ever gonna change.  

I hope that all of my dear infertile sisters in the blogging world will one day get a chance to publish a boring pregnancy blog.  It's really something.

So obsessed with this stroller...

So we bought it yesterday!  Talk about jinxing myself, I am now addicted to buying baby stuff :)

Here is a link to it - http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=eddie+bauer+trailmaker+travel+system&hl=en&safe=active&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=4589943445580094759#

It was on clearance at Target.  I love it because it's modern, gender neutral and VERY EASY to fold up.  Also I am already sick of pastels and this is a bold pattern. 

I never thought buying a stroller would be so damn much fun!

Skittish

A friend of mine gave me a huge bag of maternity clothes today - and they are all washed, dried and hung up in my closet.

I bought a boppy maternity sleeping pillow today.

And I wonder if I'm jinxing myself? 14 weeks today and (knock on wood) so far so good!

2nd trimester

So I am beginning the 2nd trimester - either today at 13 weeks or next week at 14 weeks, depending on the source.

This is supposed to be the magical trimester, right?  Oh I hope so :)  I can definitely tell a difference between now and a few weeks ago.  The nausea is occurring less often, is less intense and almost never causes dry heaves anymore.  If this constipation would just abate then life would be perfect.  Thanks for all of your advice friends.  It really helped!  I pretty much cleaned myself out with 3 stool softeners, 2 fiber pills, and a max dose of milk of magnesia.  2 weeks ago I did just about the same thing.  Now I just want to prevent it from getting that bad again.  The hubs and I are both on a mission to get me as much fiber each day as possible - fiber cereal, fiber one bars, etc.  I hope it helps.

Big news - I am showing more and more each day.  My belly has always been flabby, I gain weight like a man - in my beer gut :)  But now there is a definite bump with definition to the lower abdomen.  I have found myself purposely wearing clothes that accentuate it - so much fun!

3 weeks until our next appt, 7 weeks to the next ultrasound.  If it wasn't for the doppler I would absolutely lose my mind.  I check in on the bambino a few times  a week - it is so much easier to find the heartbeat now than it was at 10 1/2 weeks which is awesome!

I hope everyone is having a good summer.  All in all this is the best summer of my life thus far.  I remember last summer - a good friend visited me while she was 18 weeks pregnant.  I tried to have fun, I tried (and mostly successfully) to be happy for her, but I was so unbelievable jealous.  That was in August.  This August I will be 18 weeks pregnant.  It is just mind-blowing.

xoxoxo

Backed up

I'm getting desperate.  PLEASE send me any tips/tricks/voodoo spells that help with constipation during pregnancy.

I'm now officially eating no cheese, taking colace stool softener 3 times a day, eating prunes when I can stomach them and drinking pear juice.  STILL ALMOST NOTHING!  AUGH!!!!

2nd OB appt

Was a major disappointment.  We waited over 45 minutes to be taken back for a 3 minute appt.  I peed in a cup, was weighed, she listened to the heartbeat, she asked us if we had any questions and badda boom badda bing we were ushered out.  We went ahead and made our appts through 30 weeks and I am glad to say the way my schedule worked out the next 2 appts are with the nurse practitioner, then one appt with my OB, then an appt with a different OB in the practice.   The doc we saw today is my regular obgyn who is usually awesome - I don't know what was up today.

I thought I'd fill out a what's going on this week thing for posterity - feel free to skip!!!

How far along? 12 weeks

How is Mommy feeling?  Nauseated at some point every day but nowhere near as severe as it was.  My energy level is coming back up.  I have noticed that every week that passes my anxiety level gets lower and lower...which is a relief!!

How is Daddy feeling?  Boy that's a toughie.  He is excited...he has told just about every single person he's ever met about the baby.  BUT we are kinda having trouble adjusting to this pregnant wife/expectant father situation.  I am MUCH whinier/bitchier than either of us ever thought I would be.  I have wanted to be pregnant for so long that I thought it would be like winning the lottery - I would be happy and blissed out all the time.  In reality I spend moments in sheer awe and wonderment but find myself hormonal and edgy quite often.  SO DH is obviously not liking that.  In my defense he did leave the toilet seat up for the bazillionith time today which made me go off like a madwoman.  We had a good talk today that I think should help.

Total weight gain?  I am down a half pound since starting IVF.  Go me!  Since I started this process about 30 pounds overweight I am relieved that I haven't already blown up like a whale.

Symptoms?  Tired easily, sore nipples (boobs aren't really sore anymore), leukorrhea, constipation, gas, left hip pain (?), trouble sleeping, nausea, severely chapped lips (?) and dark veins all over my chest.

The belly?  Just starting to look like a baby might be hiding in there instead of just chub.  The bottom of my abdomen is firm and I LOVE placing my hand there.

Boobies?  Bigger, sensitive nipples, when I squeeze my nipples I get a clear discharge out of them (?), and dark veins.

What I miss?  Waking up and just doing what needs to be done or what I want to do and not having to worry about whether it's gonna be a day where I feel awful.  BUT I know it's worth it.

Big news this week?  DH has finally agreed that we can find out the gender!!  Unfortunately my next u/s isn't until 20 weeks!!!!!!!

A new outlook

I feel like a new person.  Physically there are still some unwanted symptoms but much less severe - more like I expected with pregnancy.  I have energy suddenly.  I want to clean my house.  And good Lord I'm hungry constantly!!

Right now I am just overflowing with love and gratitude for this baby.  This was our one shot - for financial reasons we agreed we could only try this once.  We signed up for only the one cycle program.  We had no frozen embryos.  Our hopes laid with 2 embryos - a perfect 5aa and a medium to low grade 1bb. I'm assuming the 5aa is the one that implanted.  My one shot out of 19 eggs retrieved.

I had faced a possibility of life without children.  Knock on wood, I don't think that life is going to come to pass.

I love you little sweet pea. 

11 weeks

Well, I tomorrow I am 11 weeks.  But I have the energy to blog now so blog I must!

Dare I say I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel?  Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post.  I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to me to be HEARD.  It's such a weird place to be in.  I don't feel comfortable complaining to many people in real life (except DH, boy I don't hold back with him). It was such a relief to spill my guts here.

As for how I'm feeling - constipation is mmmmuuuucccchhhh better.  I think stopping the progesterone suppositories  really helped.  I also took some milk of magnesia and had one horrible day of reckoning in the bathroom that felt like the apocalypse.  That REALLY helped.

Nausea continues but is less severe.  No more dry heaving, which is such a relief.  I'm just trying to eat small amounts frequently.  I am also relying on Zofran for the really bad days.

Best news?  I rented a doppler :)  I got it from Heartbeats at Home (google it, great company!).  $24/month.  I will probably keep it until I can feel the baby move.  I was able to hear the heartbeat on it at 10w4d which I was very proud of :)  I am going to try not to use it too frequently...just when I need some reassurance.

Next OB appt next week at 12 weeks.  Next u/s at 18 weeks - and DH and I are still discussing whether we will find out the sex or not.  (I am dying to, he wants to wait)

Love you all.  I read through some blogs today and am trying to catch up on your lives.  xoxo

The post I swore I'd never write

But I feel I have to. If you don't want to hear how miserable it can be when you finally get pregnant please don't read this. 

I am not good at pregnancy.  My nausea and dry heaving is out of control.  I am tired all of the time.  I haven't had a real poop in 3 weeks.  I sit on the toilet for an hour at a time, straining and huffing and puffing with almost no results.  And what does result is rock hard. 

I cry every day.  I feel so miserable and yet at the same time feel so unbelievably guilty about it. I should just be happy and smile through my miseries.  I am pregnant, it's what I've always wanted.

My first ob appt was ok.  Too early for doppler (was 9w).  I don't go back for 3 weeks and no more ultrasounds until 18 weeks.  We have decided against any screenings because we are both terrified of a false positive.

My endometrin suppositories end this Thursday.  Do you think stopping those will help this God awful constipation?

Sorry for the tmi. 

And I swear when I am human again I am gonna comment my ass off on all of your blogs.  Just know that I am rooting for you.

Wordless Wednesday

Well, almost wordless :)  Heartbeat 176, measuring 9 weeks (8w 6d today) and everything looked perfect according to Dr Alan!  He showed us the baby's spinal cord, umbilical cord and small yolk sac.  The baby was moving it's arms and legs and the little head was twitching!  It was spectacular :)

HOT

It's HOT here!  I just got back to the midwest from a vacay in FL and it's hotter here than it was down there.

My 2nd u/s is tomorrow - I will be 8w6d.  I am sooo nervous.  Possibly even more nervous than I was for the first u/s.  It's just been so long since I saw what was going on in there.

Nausea continues daily...I take a zofran almost every day.  Totally worth it and I actually feel scared when I am not sick.

I hope to catch up on blogs the next few days - if I miss something major and don't comment I'm sorry!

7 weeks

SEVEN weeks!  I love Thursdays because they bring another week milestone!

How 'bout my new blog design?  Spiffy, no?  I LOVE it.  I have changed my design a bazillion times because I get bored so easily but this one may stay awhile.  Me likee.

I want another ultrasound.  Like NOW.  Unfortunately we don't have another one scheduled until 8 weeks 6 days.  Pooey.  There is no reason for me to think anything bad is happening in there, right?  Cramping continues, worst when I'm sleeping and get up to pee.  Absolutely no spotting since that small episode a way long time ago that I now think was implantation.  Good betas, a good ultrasoud with measurements where they should be and a strong heartbeat.  BUT you read online all of the time about miscarriages in seemingly healthy pregnancies.  GAH I thought I would be nothing but elated but I go back and forth from that to absolutely terrified. 

We are flying to Florida for one of my besties weddings next Wednesday for a week.  2 flights to get there, 2 flights to get home.  Flying is supposedly a-ok right?  That's what I've found - but it just kills me to think of anything I do possibly harming things.  Besides my stupid fears I am SOOOO looking forward to this trip.  I need to relax and laugh with my friends.  I will post pics when I come back...I've been thinking about becoming less and less anonymous here so maybe I will even let you have a glimpse of my gaaaahhhgeous face :)

Best moment ever

Our ultrasound today was AMAZING!!!  One beautiful baby with a heartbeat of 119!  Measuring 6.5 weeks (I'm 6 weeks 4 days today).

Within 2 seconds of the dildo cam being inserted I could see the flickering heartbeat and started crying.  It was insane!  We could even see the embryo moving.  UNREAL!  

Here is the worst picture ever but it's definitely worth a thousand words...

After we were done oohing and ahhing I said, "So there's definitely only one?".  Dr Alan looked around my ute and said, "I am fairly confident it is not twins".  He pointed out what looks like a much smaller sack with no embryo that he could see.  He said we will recheck in 2 weeks.

I am walking on air!  I feel so much more confident and like it's finally real.  

I am stopping the baby aspirin today, and continue the endometrin suppositories until June 16 (10 weeks).  

Due date officially January 11, 2012.  What a wonderful way to start the new year :)

How to get the RE to call you....

Leave him a message saying you got exposed to Fif.ths Disease!  Fun times!

Here is what the CDC has to say -

Parvovirus B19 Infection and Pregnancy
Usually, there is no serious complication for a pregnant woman or her baby because of exposure to a person with fifth disease. About 50% of women are already immune to parvovirus B19, and these women and their babies are protected from infection and illness. Even if a woman is susceptible and gets infected with parvovirus B19, she usually experiences only a mild illness. Likewise, her unborn baby usually does not have any problems attributable to parvovirus B19 infection.
Sometimes, however, parvovirus B19 infection will cause the unborn baby to have severe anemia and the woman may have a miscarriage. This occurs in less than 5% of all pregnant women who are infected with parvovirus B19 and occurs more commonly during the first half of pregnancy. There is no evidence that parvovirus B19 infection causes birth defects or mental retardation.


So basically it is probably not a big deal but just one of those things that I'd rather not deal with.  I work in an ER so hopefully I have already been exposed and have immunity.  I got some blood drawn today to check my immunity.  If I'm not immune then we will recheck later to see if I got infected.
In other news, FIVE days til u/s.  Has anyone else noticed time dddrrraaagggiiinnnggg???

Tomorrow I am 6 weeks - for some reason that seems more real. :)

Sad

There have been so many BFNs and scary news lately.  Most recently Alison has had bleeding and 2 ultrasounds that showed conflicting things.  She is going for another ultrasound today and will hopefully have some answers.  Please show her some support!

6 days until my ultrasound.  Not that I'm counting.

5w1d

I hate blogger right now!  I can't read over half of the posts on my feeder - so sorry if I miss something important!!

10 more sleeps til the u/s.  We should be able to hear a heartbeat at 6w4d right?  I just want to go in knowing what I should expect.

How am I feeling?  Elated and at that the same time just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Physically I feel good...a little nausea and sore boobs, which I am savoring and makes me sublimely happy :)

4w4d

I NEVER thought I'd get to have a blog post with that kind of title.  I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed.

Beta today at 13dp5dt - 754.  Doubling time of 32.44 hours since my last level!  When the nurse called with my result she said, "Now don't quote me on this, but a level like this means there's probably more than one baby." !!!!!!!!!  The last 2 days I have been peeing much more frequently, had 2 maybe half hour bouts of nausea, and my breasts have more prominent veins and my usually very light nipples are dark - but I was so afraid it was all in my head.  Guess not!

I've tried getting one of those fancy charts showing average singleton hcg rates but I can't find it :(  But beta base says average for a singleton today is 413 and average for twins is 803.

All I want is a healthy pregnancy.  I am so scared of a miscarriage that it seems like one baby would just be easier and less scary...but that said I would be so happy with twins.

I have had no more spotting since 8/9dp5dt.  The more I think about it maybe it was old implantation blood that took a little bit to show?  Whatever it is I hope it stays away!

Thank you all for listening to every freak out and worry that crosses my mind.  All of you are amazing women and I thank God I found you all when I did.

No more blood work (my clinic doesn't every check progesterone - I'm just to continue the endometrin suppositories?) so next up is ultrasound May 23 at 6w4d.  2 weeks from today.  This is going to be one LLLOOOONNNGGG 2ww.

Again I got a bonus beta

So at work tonight (have I mentioned it is very very nice to work in an ER at times like these?) I just had to have another beta drawn because..

a.) tannish light spotting continues and I DON'T LIKE IT (I had one episode where I felt a GUSH, on my liner it was literally tan/skin color and milky - obviously suppository and mixed with old blood?)
b.) Foxy brought up a good point that different labs calibrate things differently and I just know if my beta at Dr Alan's office today shows my beta didn't double I will absolutely go crazy wondering if it is just the differences in laba.

So - 9dp5dt beta is 75.  Doubling time of 43.44 hours.

This is good, right?  Even though it doubled it seems low on the betabase chart.  Also it seems like lots of folks get a good increase, like 28% or whatnot.  I really thought I'd feel better with a double but I'm still scared.

I need to just shut the fuck up and revel in doubling betas.  I am annoying even myself..but if you can't tell I am just a tad bit paranoid. Please tell me to stop worrying and that I should be happy!

Now to see what another lab says my beta is exactly 6 hours after my last one.  Heehee

Edited to add: 2 hours later I have calmed down and am trying to realize that worrying won't help anything.  What will be will be and I might as well enjoy this pregnancy!  So I am offically 4wks 0 days pregnant and extremely grateful.  I am leaving up what I wrote at 3 am in the heat of the moment because I want this blog to truly document what we've gone through.

Spotting help!

So yesterday I started spotting - it was light pink/grayish when I wiped. Then last night I had two episodes of light brown on my panty liner.  Last night and this morning after I inserted the endometrin there was light red/brown on the applicator when I removed it.

Cramps are pretty much the same they have been on and off since retrieval - like light AF cramps.

My reading and talking with friends has educated me that a.) endometrin vaginal suppositories can cause cervical irritation, capillary breakage and spotting and that b.) IVF pregnancies in general are notorious for spotting, especially when more than one embryo was transferred.

So rationally I know that everything is probably fine...but I HATE IT!

Also I don't feel like the 2nd lines of the First Response pregnancy tests I have been taking are getting darker enough - I mean they are definitely darker day to day but not as much as I thought they'd be.

Digital Clearblue today said pregnant - and according to peeonastick.com it registers for bhcg greater than 50.  So I think the level must be going up?

My official beta with the RE is tomorrow morning.  Oh God I hope it has gone up sufficiently. Please!

Early beta result 7dp5dt

So I work in an ER and BEGGED the ER doc to order a beta on me...I had called Dr Alan and asked him to order it eariler than Thursday but the nurse said he won't do one before 9dp5dt.

The number today- 36 at 7dp5dt!

According to betabase average for 12dpo is 37 so I am over the moon!

Thanks for all of the love ladies!

So I caved...6dp5dt

It's hard to see but I think it's positive!  I took 2 EPTS and 2 internet cheapies which all had faint lines!  Yesterday I took one mostly to see if trigger was out and it was completely bare and negative so I think I may be in business!  I took one day after transfer and it was negative too. I have never had a positive before!

I called DH and he is thrilled!  Not mad at me at all for POAS!

I woke up this morning after having a dream that I had twin boys so I had to test.  I am shaking I am so excited/nervous/happy!

It is positive, right?

Here's another view...

5dp5dt

I'm not going to test.  I'm just not.  No matter what.  I go back to work tomorrow and I don't want to start back with a negative test in my mind.

Also then there is the whole being honest with my spouse thing.  So NOT GOING TO TEST!!!!!

My breasts still hurt but cramps are gone.  Completely gone.  I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign but whatever.

My heart is aching for Angie who is going through a devastating miscarriage, Krista who is dealing with a negative after her first FET cycle, and Leigh who got a BFN after here IVF cycle.  So much sadness this weekend.

I hope May brings us all peace and renewal one way or another.

Updated: Well about 20 mins after writing this my cramps came back.  Just like pre AF cramps.

4dp5dt

So should I test starting tomorrow?  Or should I not?  I've promised DH I won't because he is out of town for work this week and gets back beta day (Thursday).  BUT I think I deserve the chance to POAS in private.   Fertiles get to! They have the opportunity to know before anyone else that they are pregnant - or that they are not.

But I'm scared.  Really scared.

What I wouldn't give for a little implantation spotting!  I've had cramps/twinges on and off since retrieval but last night into today I got cramps.  Feels exactly like AF coming - which I have read can be a good thing but I just don't know how it could be.  Every time I wipe I pray for a little pink.

And my BOOBS!  I thought my boobs were sore before AF but that is nothing compared to this progesterone pain.  I am aware of them at all times - like they are throbbing.

SO.  I took a test yesterday just to see if trigger was out and it was - nice and blank, a perfect negative.

IF I was to test when should I?  In my heart of hearts I'd like to be strong but my God I am weak!  So who knows...if I do and it's negative I'm going to lie and say I didn't.  Cause that's how I roll - what I pee on is my business.

2dp5dt

I swear it's like I have multiple personalities.  Here are just a few that I have inhabited in the last 2 days -

• Hopeful, like I am pregnant.  I dream of baby names, birth plans and nursery layouts.  I wonder about day care, immunizations and breastfeeding.  I am so happy I feel high.
• Depressed, sure that it didn't work.  Out of 19 eggs we got only 1 perfect embryo.  So not only am I not pregnant - obviously my eggs are crap.  Not that we have any money for another cycle or any embryos that were good enough to freeze so absolutely no back up plan.  Basically I am not pregnant and have no conceivable (ha!) way to have a child.
• Kinda mellow, thinking it didn't work but not devastated.  Thinking about getting my life and my body back.  Excited to drink diet coke, beer and tequila.  Ready to work up a sweat jogging, cleaning the house within an inch of it's life and have wild orgasmic sex.  Fantasize about planning the honeymoon we never got to take. 

So you can see my mental state right now.  Really overall it's been okay - I have mostly been keeping my mind off of things by reading lots of books and watching movies.  Did no real bedrest - just 2 days couch rest and tried to relax.  Later today I'm going to take a long shower, shave my legs and do something outside.  Maybe take a walk at the local park and bring a blanket and my book. 

I really thought I'd be the obsessive crazy woman afraid my embryos were going to fall out but it's been the opposite.  I had a massive bm (sorry for tmi) about 6 hours post transfer and it didn't even faze me.  I mean I'm certainly not going to hold that in and end up in the hospital again!  So I pushed and pushed and knew that if pooping was going to ruin my chances of pregnancy then I am just not cut out for this.

PUPO with twins!

I am writing this throughout the morning..

8:30 wake up and can't fall back to sleep even though I was awake until 5.

11:00 in waiting room-here early. The Embryologist just walked through and I'm pretty sure she recognized me but didn't make eye contact-I hope that's not bad.

11:15 walked down to the IVF lab-changed and waiting.

11:30 walked across hall and got into the stirrups. Waiting for Dr Alan.

11:35 Dr Alan gives us the lowdown. He tells us they did assisting hatching. We have 2 blastocysts - a 5aa which is hatching and a 1bb which I guess is still good but a little behind and some fragmentation. He thinks we should transfer both of these. The only other embryo that has a chance for freeze is a morula that may catch up but probably won't.

11:40 we watch the screen as 2 flashes of light land in my uterus :) the transfer was painless.

11:45-12:15 I lie flat in recovery with DH holding my hand.

12:16 pee!!! Yay!!

We are now driving home. I'm nervous!!

Fert report day 3

We have :
6 going strong at 6-8 cells (And I think she said that 5 have 8 cells)
4 hanging out in the 3-4 cell stage

The embryologist didn't give me any grades, but she said, "Everything is looking great still for a 5 day transfer."

I pushed and said, "So everything is still looking good?" and she said, "Oh yeah".

Happy Easter everyone!

Fert report day 2

The embryologist just called....and ALL 10 are dividing and cleaving normally, between 2 and 4 cells which is right where they should be 48 hours after retrieval.  So yay!!!!

Still on track for day 5 transfer on Tuesday.

I have tried to find a site that says what percentage of embryos usually stop dividing/growing leading up to day 5 but can't find anything...I just want to prepare myself!  My goal is to have 2 to transfer and 2 to freeze - is that too lofty of a goal?

Ok, back to bed for me :)

Sleeplessness

Is that a word?

Has anyone else experienced this?  I don't know if it is the hormones or nerves or what but I find myself only sleeping about 3 hours at a time.  I think I am getting a full 8 hours but just in shifts.  I fell asleep at 12:30 last night and woke up at 3:45 wide awake.  Sucks!

My pain is almost gone now.  The endometrium vag suppositories are going good - I am wearing a full size pad instead of a panty liner and I think that has helped the yuck factor a little bit.  The only side effects I have noticed from the added progesterone are sore breasts and darker veins on the girls.

I am so ready for the call from the embryologist this morning!  I will probably wait up for her call and then back to bed.  Have a good weekend everybody!  And grow embies, grow!!!

Fertilization Report

10 fertilized normally!  Woohoo!  She called and said that out of the 15 - 3 didn't fertilize at all and 2 fertilized but had only one pronuclei.  We are on track for a 5 day transfer for this Tuesday.

What I'm thankful for...

1. I just slept for 6 hours and woke up feeling WAY BETTER! YAY!!!!!!!
2. DH - he slept on the couch with me tonight, made me dinner, called family when I wasn't up for it, held my hand and kissed me over and over again in recovery and has been my ROCK.
3. This blogging community - It was so great to wake up to such messages of hope and love.  It makes me feel so much more positive about this whole experience - reading your notes are better than acupuncture, massage and Circle and Bloom put together.
4. My heating pad
5. Vicodin
6. My coworkers who switched shifts with me and picked up the slack so I don't have to work until May 2.
7. Vitamin Water - it is so much better than gatorade!
8.  My eggs and DH's sperm becoming embryos today.  Grow babies, grow!  I so hope I get to meet one or two of you in 9 months.                        

Maturity report

Out of 19 eggs retrieved 15 were mature and were injected with sperm.  I asked the embryologist if the eggs looked good and she said, "They looked very high quality.  We had plenty of sperm so we are good to go."

I am so happy.  It is kinda unreal to know that we have 15 potential babies growing 20 miles away.  Grow embies, grow!!!!!!!

As far as today went, it kinda sucked.  It's a little easier to remember it more fondly now that I can breathe a sigh of relief.  For posterity's sake, here was a breakdown of today feel free to not read :) -

We woke up at 5:50 am.  I slept horribly - this is partly because I work nights but mostly because I was uncomfortable/scared/nervous/excited.  I showered last night with minimal soap so just had to get dressed and leave.  We drove through McDonald's to get DH coffee and a sausage mcmuffin - I was so hungry and this was just mean :)

We arrived at the clinic at 7:10 am and they quickly rushed DH back to give his sample.  I was very nervous about this because as he was getting dressed this morning he said, "I sure hope I am able to produce".  Umm, YEAH!  I said nothing and didn't harp on it because I didn't want to put any added pressure but Jesus Hell that scared the shit out of me.  Thankfully it was not an issue.

While he was back they ushered me to the ivf lab right down the hall.  I changed into gown and hat.  Anesthesia talked to me, the wonderful nurse Cate started my IV on the first stick and then Dr Alan came into talk to us.  I voiced my fears about OHSS and he made me feel lots better.  He said in his experience it is less to do with the estrogen level and more to do with the amount of eggs they get - he said anything over 20-25 would put me at risk.  He said most IVFers get a mild form of it so I should expect to be uncomfortable or bloated-but to call him for any severe pain, nausea/vomiting, weight gain or shortness of air.

I then kissed DH goodbye and walked across the hall.  The stirrups were kinda scary but other than that it was fine.  Dr Alan started setting up while the anesthesiologist gave me Zofran and Versed.  The last thing I remember is saying, "I will be asleep before he sticks that big needle in, right?", giggling, then I was suddenly in recovery.  I was a mess crying - not because of pain but just emotional.  The doctors came in and said they had to give me a LOT of anesthesia, that I kept moving around.  WOW I'm glad I don't remember that but oh well.

Dr Alan said he thought they got 14 eggs but the embryologist would be in soon - and she said 19.  I was so happy with that number!

They gave me some crackers and sprite, I took a Tylenol #3, and they discharged me.  I was only in recovery for about 15-20 minutes after I woke up which I think is too quick but whatever.  I got very nauseated on the ride home.  I took a zofran pill when I got home-the nausea and pain was unbearable - I was on the toilet straining to pee and thought my bladder was going to explode!  I ate 3 bites of soup, curled into a ball with the heating pad (thanks for the tip ladies!) and fell asleep.  I slept for a couple of hours and woke up starving and hurting!  I then ate a sandwich and took a vicodin that was left over from some dental work I had done last year.

That finally did it.  Now it just feels like very severe cramps - the worst ever imaginable but tolerable.

I can't wait for the update tomorrow!  Man this is a crazy process!

Retrieval

Just got home. 19 eggs! I am so crampy and the Tylenol #3 is making me nauseous but I'm happy about the 19. Dr said OHSS risk is lower since we didn't get an ass load of eggs. I will update later when they call with the maturity report.

Pulled the trigger

Well now reading all of your comments I am not sure I did the right thing..but I triggered.  And I didn't call the after hours number.  I mean the doctor knows my follie count and knows my E2 level...he wouldn't have had the nurse call me and tell me to trigger if it wasn't a good idea, right??

My abdomen is so full!  Sitting on the toilet hurts, rolling over hurts, my stupid cat jumping on it over and over again hurts.  I better get a lot of eggs out of this!

I can think of 3 worst case scenarios -
a. all embryos frozen (if this happens I will be ok mentally, may or may not prevent mod to severe OHSS.) b. transfer as scheduled with no preg and severe OHSS
c. transfer as scheduled with pregnancy confirmed and even worse OHSS

For those of you that have dealt with this - how will they decide to transfer or not?  Ultrasound between ER and ET to look for accumulations of fluid? Repeat e2 level?  How I feel?

Trigger tonight, fears of OHSS

SO my appt this am.  First she said my uterus looks "gorgeous".  She then started to read off measurements on the right and said 14, 15, 18, 16 then basically stopped reading them.  Went to the left and looked at SEVERAL follicles and didn't give me any measurements.  When she was done I asked her how everything was and she said it was great, that I had at least 15 on each side that were good size.  30 follicles.  WOW.

She just called and said my estradiol is 6,090.  The ass that I am I was half asleep and asked almost no questions.  I have called hem back and left a message but since they close about now it doesn't look like I'm getting an answer tonight.  So I guess I will go ahead with trigger with ovidrel at 9pm?

Google scares me.

What should I do?????  The nurse literally has told me not one thing about OHSS.  If the internet didn't exist I would just be on cloud nine thinking about possibly getting more than 10 eggs (which has always been my goal).  Instead I am terrified.

Retrieval scheduled Thursday at 7:15am.

Stims Day 10

So tonight is my last night of stims, tomorrow morning my final (hopefully) monitoring appt.  I feel so much better mentally than I did the other day.  I have decided to stop obsessing and go with the flow - our RE must know what he is doing.  Mostly I am thankful that I am producing - I am keeping my fingers crossed that the follies are the appropriate size tomorrow for trigger tomorrow night and retrieval Thursday. 

Physically I am slowly feeling worse - but nothing I can't handle - I have a headache that tylenol won't ease, nausea that Zofran is helping, bloat that is RIDICULOUS!, abdominal pain when I move to quickly or bend over, I feel weird when I pee (not UTI weird, just like it is kinda pressured?) and I feel feverish (but don't have a fever).  I assume this is all normal with my elevating estrogen.

Thanks for all of the kind words of support y'all!  I have no clue how I'd be getting through this without this amazing community!

Stims Day 8

I need everyone's opinion about my monitoring appt this am - the nurse says all is well but I am kinda scared!

Right - 9.9, 9.7, 9.9, "3 others about the same"
Left - 16.2, 12.7, 12.2, 14.8, 3 smaller

Lining 10
Estradiol 1480 (!)

Now 3 days prior my estradiol was 202 - I read that it is supposed to double approx every 48 hours?  So I was hoping for 600-800...is 1480 too high right now?  Also, are my follicles too varying in sizes?

When the nurse called with my estradiol result she said, "Dr Alan said you don't need to come in Monday, he wants to see you Tuesday instead. Continue the Bravelle at 300 and Menopur at 75 with 3 of Lupron for tonight, Sunday night and Monday night.".  Hmm...so by Tuesday will my number be over 4000?  Also they said they thought egg retrieval would be Wed or Thursday...and the trigger shot is given like 33 hours prior, right?  Well I obviously won't be giving it to myself before Tuesday morning since there is no more monitoring until then.  I guess they are thinking trigger Tues night and retrieval Thurs morn?

I was at lunch when the nurse called, I was so blown by the estradiol result that I didn't ask enough questions.  Is this ok?

I'm really not freaking out - very happy things are progressing I just am afraid of getting OHSS or over maturing the eggs.

Just for fun...

Check out this site http://www.babymed.com/pregnancy-calendar-and-calculator-week-by-week

If I get pregnant I am right now 0 weeks 4 days pregnant.  LOL.  I love it - I'm gonna start rubbing my belly and requesting pickles and ice cream immediately!

Stims Day 6

I am feeling FULL!  Especially on my right side.  It will be interesting to see what is going in there on Saturday.  It kinda feels like it does when you run too fast - like a pinch in the side.  It is not terrible by any means but it is making me take things slower and be more cautious.  I really can't imagine what I will feel like by the time retrieval comes around.

DH is out of town so that's been hard.  He doesn't get back until 2 nights before retrieval.  It's sucky being alone.  I knew this was going to happen when we signed up for this month but it doesn't mean I am happy about it.  Every time I am in that damn clinic there are several couples in the waiting room - not once have I seen a woman by herself other than me.  It's practically humiliating.

I am at work now...I work 12 hour shifts nights on my feet (guess what I do?).  I work this Sunday and Monday night - I am afraid of how I'm gonna feel by then - I do lots of lifting and bending over - is there a danger of me rupturing my follicles?  Dr Alan gave me no work restrictions whatsoever - and actually had the gall to say I could go back to work later the same day as retrievel??!!  Don't worry, after Monday night I have made it so I have 2 weeks off of work, which should cover from the day before retrieval to at least 5 days post transfer (depending on when transfer and retrieval happen of course!). 

Have a good weekend everyone!

After 4 days of stims...

Things are looking good! At least according to the nurse and Dr Alan. Estradiol 202! That's pretty good, right? As for follies-

Right- at least 4 that are 9mm, "several smaller"
Left- "lots"

Hmm. Not as much detail as I'd hoped but ok. Lining is 10.1mm. That sounds pretty damn good! The nurse said "oh, excellent lining".

When Dr Alan poked his head in to check during the ultrasound I asked him if everything is looking good an that I've been not feeling very positive since the FSH fiasco. He said that I'm responding perfectly and the follicles we are seeing are wa more important than that level.

So I'm gonna grab onto this positivity!!

Meds remain the same for now.

Stims Day 4

Today I have begun to feel the "fullness" that everyone talks about. It is hard to describe besides just feeling full and swollen.  Hopefully this means good things are happening!

I am excited for my monitoring appt in the am...although they said that what is seen on the u/s and labs for this appt isn't as important as the next appt (sat).

That is all!  I hope those follies are growing!!!!!!!!

Stims Day 2

I gotta say the shots so far have been fine.  I had heard that menopur burns but I haven't noticed it (maybe bc I have ample subq tissue :).

I am antsy for my first monitoring appt. - this Wed.  Until then I guess I will just go with the flow!  I am trying to take good care of myself - eating good foods, taking a half hour walk outside every day and doing circle and bloom at least once a day.

DH and I have had a wonderful weekend - he even brought me flowers home on friday night!  He must have sensed my loneliness during the past few months while he worked on his doctorate...maybe my tears a few nights ago telling him I felt all alone in this process clued him in :)

Friends of ours just emailed us and told us they are 7 weeks pregnant after their 3rd IVF...it made me so happy!  I just hope it doesn't take us that many times because we are kinda tapped out at 1 attempt.

Okay, off to dinner with my bff.  Enjoy the weather everyone!

24 hours til stims!

First of all, does anyone else notice how many BFPs have been announced lately?  Congrats ladies and gents!  It fills me with hope right now - but if I get a bfn and drop off the commenting universe briefly please understand.

I am feeling really good today.  After a dose of Phillips Milk of Magnesia I finally have a little relief :)  I have decided that once stims start I am limiting myself to these over the counter meds :(I put this list together  form a combination of your guys' thoughts, my own common sense, and google)  tylenol for pain, colace and glycerin suppositories for constipation, and Benadryl 25mg for any insomnia.

ACNE.  Anyone else?  I almost never break out, and right now I have 3(!) huge monsters on my face - one that's redness reaches about the circumference of a dime.  Between that, the constipation and bruised abdomen I am feeling sexy, y'all!

Tonight will be my last combo dose of:

Lupron 10 units

Prenatal

Baby aspirin

Tomorrow start:

Lupron 3 units

Bravelle 300 units

Menopur 75 units

Prenatal

Baby aspirin

This weekend I am going to RRRREEEELLLLAAAAXXXX.  DH finally finished writing his dissertation and I am actually off work so we are gonna do the quality time thing - movies, board games, dinner out, maybe even church (yikes, it's been a long while...like a year).  I've already requested breakfast in bed for saturday - I deserve some pampering!!!!

Have a good weekend everyone!  I am off to take a walk - I lost 10 pounds in the 2 months prior to starting IVF - and I am really worried about plumping right back up.  Too bad I can't stop eating :)  Seriously food tastes so good right now....

2 days til stims!

Baseline u/s today looked great according to the nurse.  She said my lining is very thin and the ovaries are 'quiet', no cysts.  Estradiol is 25 (which she said is good - my google searching leads me to believe this also).

So stims start Sat evening!

Anything I should know before starting this next phase?  Tylenol is still okay for aches and pains, right?  And are stool softeners okay to keep taking?

Lupron day 5 - and a call from the actual RE!

I took everyone's advice and called the RE's office yesterday and left a message asking about the radiation exposure from the CT.  I said, "The ER doc said it should definitely not affect the eggs for this cycle but I just wanted to make sure you guys agree."  Today I wake up to a message from Dr. Alan - "Yeah this is Dr. Alan.  Please call me when you get this message, I disagree with the ER doc."  Cue panic!!!!  Are we cancelling?  How long til I can cycle??

He calls me back 10 minutes later and he had misunderstood - he says we are completely fine and ready to go.  He had thought the ER doc said the eggs WOULD BE affected. Wow - thanks for 10 minutes of craziness doc!

Yesterday was the last bcp - YAY!  Lupron still going well.  I have a baseline u/s Thursday then stims start Friday.  Things are moving so quickly...for once!

Thanks again for everyone's support.  I don't know what I'd do without this community.

Another thing I'm worried about...

I got a ct of my abdomen with IV contrast to rule out appendicitis on friday.  That won't affect my eggs for this cycle, will it??  The ER dr said, "Of course we try to limit radiation to young women's ovaries but this won't affect your IVF cycle at all."  Now I don't know if I believe him.  I did a google search and got pretty much nothing...except a link to a fertility forum where the ladies were all worried about getting scans months before IVF and all assured each other that as long as it wasn't during their IVF cycle it would be ok.  Hmm.  Any thoughts?


I feel like everything I do just fucks this cycle up. I didn't refrigerate the lupron after opening it, I got a ct with contrast, I haven't been able to kick my one diet coke a day habit (but I did give up the crack.  lol).

I just know if this doesn't work I will blame myself.

Also I read through several blogs today and I guess I was naive, I didn't know how many cycles get cancelled, either before retrieval or before transfer.  As devestating as a bfn will be not doing anything is just absolutely terrifying.

In my heart of hearts I just don't know if I am cut out for this craziness.  I feel like a wimp.

Lupron Day 3

So I am an idiot...I blame this on being so sick the first day of Lupron, but I just realized that it said "Refrigerate after Opening" on Walgreen's instructions.  The actual box says just store at room temperature.  So...it sat on my kitchen counter for 48 hours after being opened...do you think this matters?  I really don't want to call the RE's office and bug them again after my call on Friday in tears telling them I couldn't poop.

Other than that all is well.  My plumbing is back to normal :)

And yay, 50 posts! 

Lupron Day 2

Today I've had two 3 hour naps, thousands of trips to the bathrooms, 3 bowls of soup and several glasses of apple juice and am finally feeling better.  I think I will make it to work tomorrow thank god.  Thank you all for stopping by and wishing me well!  I never knew constipation could be so horrific!  From here on out I am adding a stool softener to my daily meds.

Day 2 of Lupron went well.  I was a little more nervous while giving myself the shot - yesterday I was so horribly sick that I just drew it up and plunged it in without much thought.  No added side effects that I can tell thus far.  Only 3 more days of birth control, yippee!!!!

I read a fabulous book today in between naps.  It is written by an infertile woman and seems like a very honest account of what infertility does to your marriage, friendships and sanity.  I highly recommend it -

I interrupt this shit storm...

Lol, this title makes me laugh.

No seriously, I am going back and forth from the computer to the bathroom and just had to post what I just read.  Sara Evans is a country music singer.  I love her music and have always thought she seemed like a nice woman.  Well now I don't, really.  She is 40, married for the second time, and they want to have a baby together.  I am so on board so far...but then in THIS ARTICLE she says she wants to hire a surrogate because "pregnancy is so hard" "she wants to drink wine", etc.  She even says she asked her sisters and they didn't want to..until she offered 20k and then they began fighting over it.  WTF???

Don't you think her remarks were a little over the top?  Not once does she mention any fertility problems.

Here they are..

First of all, congrats Foxy!  I love you girl!

So my day yesterday was a doozy.  First of all, my meds came :

I took my first Lupron injection and it was fine.  Everything is organized, right down to my Believe card for inspiration :)

Here was the sucky part of my day...I have had abdominal pain all week which I thought was cramping from the saline sonogram.  Well yesterday I realized I had some pretty serious bowel backing up type problems.  I don't want to go into detail but it was like a battle field in my bathroom.  Home remedies didn't help.  I called the RE and he said it wouldn't be caused from my meds, he had no idea what was going on.  I called my primary doc and she told me to go to the ER.  3 enemas, a cat scan, blood work and iv zofran and I have a possible diagnosis of IBS.  The ER doc thought it might have been triggered from the hormonal changes from the pill.  All of this sucks but whatever,  the problem is I still have barely gone...just a little in the ER.  I am waiting for CVS to open so I can get filled the Go-Lytley to empty out my colon-it's supposed to be god-awful so this weekend is just gonna bite the big one.  I had to call in last night and for tonight  which just sucks, I am using up vacation days left and right.

Wish me luck!

Has anyone else heard of BCP causing this?

Med schedule as of yesterday:

Baby Aspirin

Prenatal

BCP

Lupron 10 units subq

Zofran 4 mg PRN

Believe

I got this card in the mail today from Foxy over at Someday.  Thank you so much girl.  I do believe!

My meds are arriving tomorrow morning, first shot of Lupron tomorrow afternoon.  I can't believe this is actually here.

The meds were cheaper than I had feared, in part due to the samples the doctor gave us, 2 vials of menopur a friend gave us, and a FABULOUS coupon Miss Mac over at Mac and PC faxed in for me.  4 free vials of Bravelle, hells yeah! Thanks so much chica!!!!

So besides the high FSH level everything else is going perfectly.  The zofran is awesome, no more nausea.

DH and I are off to a movie date.  Have a great evening everyone!

BCP day 8

I had my sonohysterogram and injections class today.  Dr Alan talked me off of the ledge...he said that we would look at my ovaries and see how many follicles I had now and that would be more telling about my egg reserve than the one low FSH.  My right ovary had 8 follicles, the left ovary was hard to see (so how in the hell will we see it later to retrieve?) but he thought he saw several follicles on it as well.  So for now I'm calmed down.

The actual test was fine.  My cervix never really likes a catheter pushed through it so that part hurt but the rest was easy.  Uterus looked good.

He wrote me a script for Zofran which I'm pumped about!  Hopefully goodbye nausea!

The nurses faxed my med order into Walgreens Specialty Pharm.  They gave me 2 sample boxes of Bravelle (saving us about $550 I believe) and one sample box of endometrium suppositories.

So the IVF schedule is (stop reading if you're bored, I just want to be able to reference this later):

April 1 - start Lupron 10 units daily. Continue BCP, aspirin and multivitamin.
April 4 - last BCP (continue aspirin and prenatal indefinitely)
April 7 - baseline u/s / labs
April 9 - start stims - Bravelle 300+Menopur 75 daily.  Lupron down to 3 units daily
April 13 - u/s /labs - possibly alter stims
April 16 - u/s /labs - possible alter stims (note to self, Lupron 3 units continues along with stims, last stim is last Lupron shot)
April 18 -u/s / labs - possible trigger shot in pm
April 20 - possible egg retrieval
April 23 - possible 3 day transfer
April 25 - possible 5 day transfer
May 4 - possible beta (will be 14 days after egg retrieval)

My oh my I'm excited again.  Walgreens is supposed to call me back this afternoon with details.  DH has a friend who lives out of state who has 2 vials of menopur she wants to give us...awaiting her email back to us to make sure it is the right dose and not expired, that may save us another $150.

Thanks for listening to my crazy rants!

Here's what the internet has to say..

FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.




I'm so upset right now.  I just emailed DH and just lost it.  If this cycle doesn't work I am done.  DONE.

BCP day 7 - WTF?

Just found out my CD3 lab results....FSH 11.2???????   Estradiol was like 33. something.

Seriously?

A year ago I think my FSH was 7.7 and I was worried that was high.  The nurse said not to worry, that the level is on the high end of what they would expect for someone my age but that the level alone wasn't anything to worry about.  She said the doctor is taking my chart home tonight to review everything and set up my med protocol.

Should I be worried?

Tomorrow I have my sonohysterogram and injects class.  I am taking with me the notarized consents and will be ordering my meds tomorrow.

Any advice on this FSH thing would be greatly appreciated!

BCP day 6

I am still having headaches and a little nausea.  Nothing I can't handle, it just worries me because I know the meds only get worse from here.

Isn't it funny?  If this ends up with us bringing home a baby any side effect is worth it!  Short of death I would gladly experience almost anything over these next few weeks...but what if it doesn't work?  How does one decide to put their body through all of this multiple times?  I want to be a mother more than I have ever wanted anything...but I fear I don't have the stomach for all of this sometimes.  If this doesn't work I just don't know if I will have it in me to do it again.  Not to mention the emotional and financial burden it brings.

Please, please work!!!

BCP day 2

So I have a horrible headache this evening.  Do you all think it is from 2 days of BCP?  I have been on the pill 2 different times in my life, both times I was so nauseated I went off of them so I was expecting that.  But this headache sucks...plus what should I take for it?  Tylenol?  Motrin?

Hmm...I also wonder if my decreased caffeine is responsible.  I am a recovering diet coke addict...I used to have like 6 a day.  A few months ago I cut back to about 3 a day, starting last week I am down to 1 a day. Do you think one serving of caffeine with everyone's favorite cancer causer aspartame is okay through this process??

I am still so hopeful.  So far, so good.  Thanks for all of the support guys!

BCP day 1

My appointment today was awesome!  My uterus looked "perfect", my ovaries were free of cysts, I picked up my birth control, had CD 3 labs drawn, and scheduled my injections class, sonohysterogram, and monitoring u/s/bloodwork appointments.

Here is a pic of the 2 meds I started this evening...so simple and cheap but is marks the beginning of hope...

SO...we're starting IVF NOW!

Umm, so yeah. We thought this cycle would not work due to out of town commitments, but my cycle was a couple of days late so I thought I'd call the clinic yesterday.  I told the nurse my period started Sunday night and I was just wondering what days certain things would happen in we went ahead.  The dates she said for possible egg retrieval and transfer will totally work!  OMG!!!!

I have an appt for this afternoon for an u/s and day 3 bloodwork.  She said I will start BCP this Friday (cd 5), then start stims 4/12 or 4/13 (cd 23 or 24), retrieval 4/20 or 4/21 (day 9 or 10 of stims), transfer 4/24 or 4/25.  Does this timeline sound like what you girls have had?

WTH?  I am seriously so excited I may just poop myself!!!
The clinic called me back while DH and I were out taking a walk...so surreal.  I was almost late to work but I don't care...this cycle is of the utmost importance now!  I have switched most of my shifts to be able to be off from egg retrieval through about 4 days post transfer..the ones I couldn't get off I pretty much emailed my boss and said I can't make it in those days, deal with it.

Here's a question for you all...I work nights, 12 hours shifts.  I know most do their injections dinner time/evening time...what time should I do them?  Is the most important thing just to do it at the same time every day?

For those of you who are into those things, please say a little prayer for me!

Out of nowhere

Does anyone else think infertility is like having multiple personalities?  I swear - one hour I am cool, collected, confident and self-asured.  The next - weepy, scared, nervous and angry. 
Yesterday I was feeling good.  All day I was picturing what it would be like to be pregnant after our IVF cycle...how long we would wait to tell people, what sex I'd prefer, etc., etc.  I also was thinking about what will happen if it doesn't work.  My thoughts were, mayeb we'll try again, maybe we'll say enough is enough.  I was thinking about what life will be like without kids - and really felt deep down that we'd be okay.  I started thinking about traveling, getting new wood floors, and what have you. 

Then I woke up today to a mass email annoucing a pregnancy.  It was sent from a distant college friend - we see each other maybe every couple of years.  She is more a friend of a friend.  I knew she was going to start trying a few months ago - she is now 12 weeks along so that obviously didn't take long.  That's not what got to me though.  What killed me is that she said she will be starting a blog to share her pregnancy with everyone.  I seriously lost it when I read that line.  I cried for at least 15 minutes straight.

Can you imagine?  A blog to celebrate with your real family and friends.  Not a place to bitch, moan, share bad news, cry, disappoint all in the comfort of your anonyminity.  A blog that is happy, a blog that is started with a certainty of what the future holds. 

I am so jealous. Jealous that I don't have the blessing of an easy conception.  Jealous that she is older than me, wasn't ever sure that she wanted kids, and wham bam thank you ma'm with the quick pregnancy announcement.  I am jealous that even if I do end up pregnant with IVF I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with a mass email to everyone I know announcing my bundle of joy.

What in the world will ever make these feelings go away?  I don't think a baby will cure this feeling I have inside of me.  I imagine myself at 90, stooped over in a wheelchair in my room at the nursing home, overhearing some slutty 19 year old nursing assistant talk about an unwanted pregnancy and running her over with my wheelchair. 

I feel better this evening..haven't cried again, anyway.  There is a pressure deep inside my chest, however.  I think the feeling is infertility - a mixture of resentment, sadness, jealousy, tears cried, hopelessness and frustration.