So I caved...6dp5dt

It's hard to see but I think it's positive!  I took 2 EPTS and 2 internet cheapies which all had faint lines!  Yesterday I took one mostly to see if trigger was out and it was completely bare and negative so I think I may be in business!  I took one day after transfer and it was negative too. I have never had a positive before!

I called DH and he is thrilled!  Not mad at me at all for POAS!

I woke up this morning after having a dream that I had twin boys so I had to test.  I am shaking I am so excited/nervous/happy!

It is positive, right?

Here's another view...

5dp5dt

I'm not going to test.  I'm just not.  No matter what.  I go back to work tomorrow and I don't want to start back with a negative test in my mind.

Also then there is the whole being honest with my spouse thing.  So NOT GOING TO TEST!!!!!

My breasts still hurt but cramps are gone.  Completely gone.  I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign but whatever.

My heart is aching for Angie who is going through a devastating miscarriage, Krista who is dealing with a negative after her first FET cycle, and Leigh who got a BFN after here IVF cycle.  So much sadness this weekend.

I hope May brings us all peace and renewal one way or another.

Updated: Well about 20 mins after writing this my cramps came back.  Just like pre AF cramps.

4dp5dt

So should I test starting tomorrow?  Or should I not?  I've promised DH I won't because he is out of town for work this week and gets back beta day (Thursday).  BUT I think I deserve the chance to POAS in private.   Fertiles get to! They have the opportunity to know before anyone else that they are pregnant - or that they are not.

But I'm scared.  Really scared.

What I wouldn't give for a little implantation spotting!  I've had cramps/twinges on and off since retrieval but last night into today I got cramps.  Feels exactly like AF coming - which I have read can be a good thing but I just don't know how it could be.  Every time I wipe I pray for a little pink.

And my BOOBS!  I thought my boobs were sore before AF but that is nothing compared to this progesterone pain.  I am aware of them at all times - like they are throbbing.

SO.  I took a test yesterday just to see if trigger was out and it was - nice and blank, a perfect negative.

IF I was to test when should I?  In my heart of hearts I'd like to be strong but my God I am weak!  So who knows...if I do and it's negative I'm going to lie and say I didn't.  Cause that's how I roll - what I pee on is my business.

2dp5dt

I swear it's like I have multiple personalities.  Here are just a few that I have inhabited in the last 2 days -

• Hopeful, like I am pregnant.  I dream of baby names, birth plans and nursery layouts.  I wonder about day care, immunizations and breastfeeding.  I am so happy I feel high.
• Depressed, sure that it didn't work.  Out of 19 eggs we got only 1 perfect embryo.  So not only am I not pregnant - obviously my eggs are crap.  Not that we have any money for another cycle or any embryos that were good enough to freeze so absolutely no back up plan.  Basically I am not pregnant and have no conceivable (ha!) way to have a child.
• Kinda mellow, thinking it didn't work but not devastated.  Thinking about getting my life and my body back.  Excited to drink diet coke, beer and tequila.  Ready to work up a sweat jogging, cleaning the house within an inch of it's life and have wild orgasmic sex.  Fantasize about planning the honeymoon we never got to take. 

So you can see my mental state right now.  Really overall it's been okay - I have mostly been keeping my mind off of things by reading lots of books and watching movies.  Did no real bedrest - just 2 days couch rest and tried to relax.  Later today I'm going to take a long shower, shave my legs and do something outside.  Maybe take a walk at the local park and bring a blanket and my book. 

I really thought I'd be the obsessive crazy woman afraid my embryos were going to fall out but it's been the opposite.  I had a massive bm (sorry for tmi) about 6 hours post transfer and it didn't even faze me.  I mean I'm certainly not going to hold that in and end up in the hospital again!  So I pushed and pushed and knew that if pooping was going to ruin my chances of pregnancy then I am just not cut out for this.

PUPO with twins!

I am writing this throughout the morning..

8:30 wake up and can't fall back to sleep even though I was awake until 5.

11:00 in waiting room-here early. The Embryologist just walked through and I'm pretty sure she recognized me but didn't make eye contact-I hope that's not bad.

11:15 walked down to the IVF lab-changed and waiting.

11:30 walked across hall and got into the stirrups. Waiting for Dr Alan.

11:35 Dr Alan gives us the lowdown. He tells us they did assisting hatching. We have 2 blastocysts - a 5aa which is hatching and a 1bb which I guess is still good but a little behind and some fragmentation. He thinks we should transfer both of these. The only other embryo that has a chance for freeze is a morula that may catch up but probably won't.

11:40 we watch the screen as 2 flashes of light land in my uterus :) the transfer was painless.

11:45-12:15 I lie flat in recovery with DH holding my hand.

12:16 pee!!! Yay!!

We are now driving home. I'm nervous!!

Fert report day 3

We have :
6 going strong at 6-8 cells (And I think she said that 5 have 8 cells)
4 hanging out in the 3-4 cell stage

The embryologist didn't give me any grades, but she said, "Everything is looking great still for a 5 day transfer."

I pushed and said, "So everything is still looking good?" and she said, "Oh yeah".

Happy Easter everyone!

Fert report day 2

The embryologist just called....and ALL 10 are dividing and cleaving normally, between 2 and 4 cells which is right where they should be 48 hours after retrieval.  So yay!!!!

Still on track for day 5 transfer on Tuesday.

I have tried to find a site that says what percentage of embryos usually stop dividing/growing leading up to day 5 but can't find anything...I just want to prepare myself!  My goal is to have 2 to transfer and 2 to freeze - is that too lofty of a goal?

Ok, back to bed for me :)

Sleeplessness

Is that a word?

Has anyone else experienced this?  I don't know if it is the hormones or nerves or what but I find myself only sleeping about 3 hours at a time.  I think I am getting a full 8 hours but just in shifts.  I fell asleep at 12:30 last night and woke up at 3:45 wide awake.  Sucks!

My pain is almost gone now.  The endometrium vag suppositories are going good - I am wearing a full size pad instead of a panty liner and I think that has helped the yuck factor a little bit.  The only side effects I have noticed from the added progesterone are sore breasts and darker veins on the girls.

I am so ready for the call from the embryologist this morning!  I will probably wait up for her call and then back to bed.  Have a good weekend everybody!  And grow embies, grow!!!

Fertilization Report

10 fertilized normally!  Woohoo!  She called and said that out of the 15 - 3 didn't fertilize at all and 2 fertilized but had only one pronuclei.  We are on track for a 5 day transfer for this Tuesday.

What I'm thankful for...

1. I just slept for 6 hours and woke up feeling WAY BETTER! YAY!!!!!!!
2. DH - he slept on the couch with me tonight, made me dinner, called family when I wasn't up for it, held my hand and kissed me over and over again in recovery and has been my ROCK.
3. This blogging community - It was so great to wake up to such messages of hope and love.  It makes me feel so much more positive about this whole experience - reading your notes are better than acupuncture, massage and Circle and Bloom put together.
4. My heating pad
5. Vicodin
6. My coworkers who switched shifts with me and picked up the slack so I don't have to work until May 2.
7. Vitamin Water - it is so much better than gatorade!
8.  My eggs and DH's sperm becoming embryos today.  Grow babies, grow!  I so hope I get to meet one or two of you in 9 months.                        

Maturity report

Out of 19 eggs retrieved 15 were mature and were injected with sperm.  I asked the embryologist if the eggs looked good and she said, "They looked very high quality.  We had plenty of sperm so we are good to go."

I am so happy.  It is kinda unreal to know that we have 15 potential babies growing 20 miles away.  Grow embies, grow!!!!!!!

As far as today went, it kinda sucked.  It's a little easier to remember it more fondly now that I can breathe a sigh of relief.  For posterity's sake, here was a breakdown of today feel free to not read :) -

We woke up at 5:50 am.  I slept horribly - this is partly because I work nights but mostly because I was uncomfortable/scared/nervous/excited.  I showered last night with minimal soap so just had to get dressed and leave.  We drove through McDonald's to get DH coffee and a sausage mcmuffin - I was so hungry and this was just mean :)

We arrived at the clinic at 7:10 am and they quickly rushed DH back to give his sample.  I was very nervous about this because as he was getting dressed this morning he said, "I sure hope I am able to produce".  Umm, YEAH!  I said nothing and didn't harp on it because I didn't want to put any added pressure but Jesus Hell that scared the shit out of me.  Thankfully it was not an issue.

While he was back they ushered me to the ivf lab right down the hall.  I changed into gown and hat.  Anesthesia talked to me, the wonderful nurse Cate started my IV on the first stick and then Dr Alan came into talk to us.  I voiced my fears about OHSS and he made me feel lots better.  He said in his experience it is less to do with the estrogen level and more to do with the amount of eggs they get - he said anything over 20-25 would put me at risk.  He said most IVFers get a mild form of it so I should expect to be uncomfortable or bloated-but to call him for any severe pain, nausea/vomiting, weight gain or shortness of air.

I then kissed DH goodbye and walked across the hall.  The stirrups were kinda scary but other than that it was fine.  Dr Alan started setting up while the anesthesiologist gave me Zofran and Versed.  The last thing I remember is saying, "I will be asleep before he sticks that big needle in, right?", giggling, then I was suddenly in recovery.  I was a mess crying - not because of pain but just emotional.  The doctors came in and said they had to give me a LOT of anesthesia, that I kept moving around.  WOW I'm glad I don't remember that but oh well.

Dr Alan said he thought they got 14 eggs but the embryologist would be in soon - and she said 19.  I was so happy with that number!

They gave me some crackers and sprite, I took a Tylenol #3, and they discharged me.  I was only in recovery for about 15-20 minutes after I woke up which I think is too quick but whatever.  I got very nauseated on the ride home.  I took a zofran pill when I got home-the nausea and pain was unbearable - I was on the toilet straining to pee and thought my bladder was going to explode!  I ate 3 bites of soup, curled into a ball with the heating pad (thanks for the tip ladies!) and fell asleep.  I slept for a couple of hours and woke up starving and hurting!  I then ate a sandwich and took a vicodin that was left over from some dental work I had done last year.

That finally did it.  Now it just feels like very severe cramps - the worst ever imaginable but tolerable.

I can't wait for the update tomorrow!  Man this is a crazy process!

Retrieval

Just got home. 19 eggs! I am so crampy and the Tylenol #3 is making me nauseous but I'm happy about the 19. Dr said OHSS risk is lower since we didn't get an ass load of eggs. I will update later when they call with the maturity report.

Pulled the trigger

Well now reading all of your comments I am not sure I did the right thing..but I triggered.  And I didn't call the after hours number.  I mean the doctor knows my follie count and knows my E2 level...he wouldn't have had the nurse call me and tell me to trigger if it wasn't a good idea, right??

My abdomen is so full!  Sitting on the toilet hurts, rolling over hurts, my stupid cat jumping on it over and over again hurts.  I better get a lot of eggs out of this!

I can think of 3 worst case scenarios -
a. all embryos frozen (if this happens I will be ok mentally, may or may not prevent mod to severe OHSS.) b. transfer as scheduled with no preg and severe OHSS
c. transfer as scheduled with pregnancy confirmed and even worse OHSS

For those of you that have dealt with this - how will they decide to transfer or not?  Ultrasound between ER and ET to look for accumulations of fluid? Repeat e2 level?  How I feel?

Trigger tonight, fears of OHSS

SO my appt this am.  First she said my uterus looks "gorgeous".  She then started to read off measurements on the right and said 14, 15, 18, 16 then basically stopped reading them.  Went to the left and looked at SEVERAL follicles and didn't give me any measurements.  When she was done I asked her how everything was and she said it was great, that I had at least 15 on each side that were good size.  30 follicles.  WOW.

She just called and said my estradiol is 6,090.  The ass that I am I was half asleep and asked almost no questions.  I have called hem back and left a message but since they close about now it doesn't look like I'm getting an answer tonight.  So I guess I will go ahead with trigger with ovidrel at 9pm?

Google scares me.

What should I do?????  The nurse literally has told me not one thing about OHSS.  If the internet didn't exist I would just be on cloud nine thinking about possibly getting more than 10 eggs (which has always been my goal).  Instead I am terrified.

Retrieval scheduled Thursday at 7:15am.

Stims Day 10

So tonight is my last night of stims, tomorrow morning my final (hopefully) monitoring appt.  I feel so much better mentally than I did the other day.  I have decided to stop obsessing and go with the flow - our RE must know what he is doing.  Mostly I am thankful that I am producing - I am keeping my fingers crossed that the follies are the appropriate size tomorrow for trigger tomorrow night and retrieval Thursday. 

Physically I am slowly feeling worse - but nothing I can't handle - I have a headache that tylenol won't ease, nausea that Zofran is helping, bloat that is RIDICULOUS!, abdominal pain when I move to quickly or bend over, I feel weird when I pee (not UTI weird, just like it is kinda pressured?) and I feel feverish (but don't have a fever).  I assume this is all normal with my elevating estrogen.

Thanks for all of the kind words of support y'all!  I have no clue how I'd be getting through this without this amazing community!

Stims Day 8

I need everyone's opinion about my monitoring appt this am - the nurse says all is well but I am kinda scared!

Right - 9.9, 9.7, 9.9, "3 others about the same"
Left - 16.2, 12.7, 12.2, 14.8, 3 smaller

Lining 10
Estradiol 1480 (!)

Now 3 days prior my estradiol was 202 - I read that it is supposed to double approx every 48 hours?  So I was hoping for 600-800...is 1480 too high right now?  Also, are my follicles too varying in sizes?

When the nurse called with my estradiol result she said, "Dr Alan said you don't need to come in Monday, he wants to see you Tuesday instead. Continue the Bravelle at 300 and Menopur at 75 with 3 of Lupron for tonight, Sunday night and Monday night.".  Hmm...so by Tuesday will my number be over 4000?  Also they said they thought egg retrieval would be Wed or Thursday...and the trigger shot is given like 33 hours prior, right?  Well I obviously won't be giving it to myself before Tuesday morning since there is no more monitoring until then.  I guess they are thinking trigger Tues night and retrieval Thurs morn?

I was at lunch when the nurse called, I was so blown by the estradiol result that I didn't ask enough questions.  Is this ok?

I'm really not freaking out - very happy things are progressing I just am afraid of getting OHSS or over maturing the eggs.

Stims Day 6

I am feeling FULL!  Especially on my right side.  It will be interesting to see what is going in there on Saturday.  It kinda feels like it does when you run too fast - like a pinch in the side.  It is not terrible by any means but it is making me take things slower and be more cautious.  I really can't imagine what I will feel like by the time retrieval comes around.

DH is out of town so that's been hard.  He doesn't get back until 2 nights before retrieval.  It's sucky being alone.  I knew this was going to happen when we signed up for this month but it doesn't mean I am happy about it.  Every time I am in that damn clinic there are several couples in the waiting room - not once have I seen a woman by herself other than me.  It's practically humiliating.

I am at work now...I work 12 hour shifts nights on my feet (guess what I do?).  I work this Sunday and Monday night - I am afraid of how I'm gonna feel by then - I do lots of lifting and bending over - is there a danger of me rupturing my follicles?  Dr Alan gave me no work restrictions whatsoever - and actually had the gall to say I could go back to work later the same day as retrievel??!!  Don't worry, after Monday night I have made it so I have 2 weeks off of work, which should cover from the day before retrieval to at least 5 days post transfer (depending on when transfer and retrieval happen of course!). 

Have a good weekend everyone!

After 4 days of stims...

Things are looking good! At least according to the nurse and Dr Alan. Estradiol 202! That's pretty good, right? As for follies-

Right- at least 4 that are 9mm, "several smaller"
Left- "lots"

Hmm. Not as much detail as I'd hoped but ok. Lining is 10.1mm. That sounds pretty damn good! The nurse said "oh, excellent lining".

When Dr Alan poked his head in to check during the ultrasound I asked him if everything is looking good an that I've been not feeling very positive since the FSH fiasco. He said that I'm responding perfectly and the follicles we are seeing are wa more important than that level.

So I'm gonna grab onto this positivity!!

Meds remain the same for now.

Stims Day 4

Today I have begun to feel the "fullness" that everyone talks about. It is hard to describe besides just feeling full and swollen.  Hopefully this means good things are happening!

I am excited for my monitoring appt in the am...although they said that what is seen on the u/s and labs for this appt isn't as important as the next appt (sat).

That is all!  I hope those follies are growing!!!!!!!!

Stims Day 2

I gotta say the shots so far have been fine.  I had heard that menopur burns but I haven't noticed it (maybe bc I have ample subq tissue :).

I am antsy for my first monitoring appt. - this Wed.  Until then I guess I will just go with the flow!  I am trying to take good care of myself - eating good foods, taking a half hour walk outside every day and doing circle and bloom at least once a day.

DH and I have had a wonderful weekend - he even brought me flowers home on friday night!  He must have sensed my loneliness during the past few months while he worked on his doctorate...maybe my tears a few nights ago telling him I felt all alone in this process clued him in :)

Friends of ours just emailed us and told us they are 7 weeks pregnant after their 3rd IVF...it made me so happy!  I just hope it doesn't take us that many times because we are kinda tapped out at 1 attempt.

Okay, off to dinner with my bff.  Enjoy the weather everyone!