Still hurts

I was curious to find out if pregnancy would 'cure' my infertile feelings.  Guess what?  It hasn't, it's numbed it at times, perhaps.  I don't hurt on a daily basis, I don't feel uncontrollable rage at every baby bump I see, I don't cry every time I see a baby on tv.  But I still see red when people make stupid comments, when people assume I am 'cured' by IVF.  Here are a few comments I have heard in the last few months -

• It's usually not as hard getting pregnant with the second one, I bet you'll get pregnant right away.
• What a blessing from God that you're pregnant!  I knew it would happen! (this only annoys me.  I do feel thankful to God or the spirits or whomever, but I am pregnant mostly because we paid a ton of money, went through an invasive procedure, and got so unbelievably lucky.  If I had sat on my laurels waiting for a miracle I have no doubt that I would not be pregnant right now, nor anytime in the future.
• I KNEW you were able to get pregnant!
• I bet you end up having 6 kids!

It is harder to get all worked up when I am standing there feeling my baby move around inside of me.  But it still makes me so fucking mad.  I always take the time to try to educate people.  For instance, when people talk about what a miracle this is I say something along the lines of, "It is a miracle.  I can't believe how lucky we are.  I'm so glad we went ahead and spent the $15,000 and decided to pursue IVF." That usually shuts people up.  Bringing up money and highly debatable medical science will do that.

On another note, pregnancy is going so great.  This second trimester is so amazing.  I have energy, I have no GI issues, I think my bump is cute, I get to wear elastic waist pants all the time, and my husband has been more attentive than ever.  I am lucky, I know that.  So lucky that I can't believe it.  

I hope you all get lucky soon.

The insensitivity of people astounds me!

I am mostly out of the infertility closet at work...most people know we are having trouble, a handful know it is due to low sperm issues.  If I could do it over again I would never have told anyone when we started ttc, but naive me, I thought there was no reason to think it wouldn't happen right away.  There are a few women who have been great....they had infertility issues themselves and are always there with kind words, a shoulder to lean on or just to listen to me vent expletives.  Then there are a couple of uber-fertile women who are also amazingly supportive...willing to help me get days off for Dr visits, sensitive about keeping the pregnancy/baby/child talk to a minimum around me, etc.  And then there are the OTHER women.  I like to call them the BITCHES in my head, but really I don't think they are mean spirited, just ignorant as a baboon's ass.  These are the women that upon hearing me talk instantly say, "You can have my kids!".  Oh really?  Well I will be over in an hour.  Make sure to pack precious Jayden's jammies because we keep the air conditioning on high at my house!  I mean seriously!!!!!  Telling me I can have your kids is about the most ridiculous, least helpful comment you can make.

Yesterday one  bitch even had the AUDACITY to tell me, "I swear if you just relax you will be pregnant in a few months."  I replied, "Yeah I don't think that is going to help.".  She didn't give up, she kept hounding me for the next 5 minutes, telling me about her friend who was told she couldn't have a baby and ended up having 5 without any assistance.  By this point I have tears in my eyes, my limbs are shaking, and my heart is pounding.  Finally when I think she is done she says, "Whatever, I just really think you need to relax a little.". I couldn't take it, I yelled, "ME RELAXING ISN'T GOING TO MAKE MY HUSBAND MAKE MORE SPERM!".  Umm, yeah.  In front of several coworkers, customers, and a random man that was walking by who looked terrified.

I joked with my best friend the other day that I am now "that" girl, the one whom my coworkers think of as possibly mentally unstable, the one whose husband is no longer surprised to find me alone in a room crying, the one who feels perfectly happy one minute and completely devastated and hopeless the next.  But I don't think it is a joke, I am that girl.  Maybe I should just shave my hair like Britney did and get it over with?