It's over

Beta came down to 4.  All day I was praying it was either super high or super low...I got one of my wishes.

The nurse practitioner that called me said it was absolutely nothing I did, it was most likely a genetic defect in the embryo and was doomed from the start.

She said the dr wants to sit down and talk to us about what went wrong.  I told her we can't afford to try again so it doesn't really matter what went wrong.  I almost got through this without crying.

I am pissed off that the Dr himself didn't call me.  After all money, shots, blood draws and conflicting reports from the embryologist I think I deserved at least that.

So I am on beer 5.  Adios IVF, thank you for my daughter, but right now fuck you.

9dp5dt

My bleeding continues.  All of the symptoms I had are gone - nausea, sore boobs, feverish feeling.  My hpt was lighter this morning than the last few days.  Is it ok that I was relieved the stick wasn't darker?  I am just ready for this to be over.  I feel like my life has been on hold for the last month and I just want to get back to it.

This morning I drank a full caf cup of coffee, then went for a (slow) 1 mile run with Pipsqueak.  I literally have not one shred of hope that this pregnancy is going anywhere but away from me.

Repeat beta tomorrow, unless it wants to magically jump to above 100 than I'd rather it just be way lower.  No increase unless it's a big one please.  Surely that's not too much to ask.

Beta 8dp5dt

is 26.  So obviously low.  And the bleeding continues.  At this point I just hope it goes right down and doesn't drag on.  Repeat beta scheduled for Friday.

New plan

Called the RE's nurse.  She was very pessimistic considering I'm now passing clots and bleeding fairly heavy.  We've moved up my beta to tomorrow (8dp5dt) and repeat on Friday. So I'm relieved to know something sooner.  My RE notoriously refused to do betas earlier than 9 days so this is a small victory. 

She told me to continue all meds.  Oh and the great news that I can take the Tylenol #3 that had been rx for egg retrieval for the cramps.

Oh this is certainly a fun day. 

I'm bleeding - Happy 200th post and 40,000 pageviews!

So I started spotting last night, just tannish stuff.  Which I had with Pipsqueak's cycle too at almost the same time so no biggie.  Then this morning it was rust colored but still hardly any. 

This morning's FRER was darker than yesterday's but not by a ton.  CB digital said Not Pregnant. 

At 10am I went to take a shower after vacuuming and there was dark red blood staining my thighs.  When I wiped it was like a normal period.

Just took another FRER and it's darker than this morning's.  

Beta is scheduled for Thursday at 7:30am.  I'll be 9dp5dt.  I work all day Saturday and Monday so I won't be able to get a recheck of beta til next Tuesday maybe?  Fml

Clearly this is over, right? Cramps continue as they have since 3dpt.

6dp5dt

I think it's photographable now!!!!  Here is this morning's test:

I'm calling it

I think it's a BFP!

I have been peeing on absolutely every preg test I can get my hands on.  Like I have a bad addiction and need an intervention.  I tested out trigger and got my first 100% blank negative at 2dp5dt.  3dp5dt was also negative.  These were all internet cheapies (wondfo I think).  Yesterday at 4dp5dt I did a First Response Early Result which was negative.  But my wondfo yesterday had that most faintest of all shadows.  You had to tilt it, hold it right up to bright light and make a wish to see it.  My mom saw it too though, so I wasn't completely losing it.

This morning took a wondfo and FRER again.  The wondfo had the weird light shadow again which I just felt weird about, but the FRER had a definite light second line!  VERY light, still had to kind of hold it up to the light.

Just took an afternoon test (see I need help) and both have a more obvious line!  Still light (but I am only 5dp5dt so of course it should be light) but I can see both in natural light without tilting it!

So when did anyone else get their positive sticks after IVF?  Am I just crazy?  Last time I had a positive at 6dp5dt.

Also I have cramps that feel just like AF is about to start...which is exactly what I blogged at 5dp5dt last time!

1dp5dt

Just got the call that no embryos were able to be frozen.  the farthest any of the rest of them got was to the morula stage by day 6.

Yesterday I rested all day, today I've been pretty active.  My  DH's Grandma (97 years old!) passed away last week, and he is taking Pipsqueak and flying halfway across the country today.  So as you can imagine today is stressful in terms of packing and in terms of me crying hysterically every 5 mins.  I physically MISS her and she isn't leaving for another 2 hours.  She's napping now.

I have had low grade menstrual cramps ever since about 8pm last night.  I remember last time I had cramps around 3dpt but not this early.  I hope this isn't a bad sign.  Man it's hard to not read into everything.

All of my obsessive googling has made me happy that both of my embryos were rated aa.  But I am so concerned that they hadn't progresses farther along.  Here is the info on blast grading if anyone cares :

Expansion grade	Blastocyst development and stage status
1	Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2	Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3	Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4	Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5	Hatching out of the shell
6	Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade	Inner cell mass quality
A	Many cells, tightly packed
B	Several cells, loosely grouped
C	Very few cells

TE grade	Trophectoderm quality
A	Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B	Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C	Very few large cells

Mine were a 2aa and a 1aa.  Please be hatching today little ones.

PUPO with twins!

2 blasts transferred.  A 2aa and a 1aa.  According to the Internet these are intermediate embryos.  My RE called them 'near perfect'.  So who knows?  It's out of my hands now.

Transfer went very well.  DH and I were laughing and singing along to the ridiculous Muzak beforehand.  

Beta scheduled for 8/29.  Obviously I will POAS well before that - I've already been testing out the trigger shot :-). I have no self control.

Fert Report Day 4

OMG this embryologist won't stop with the surprises!  I think there is a little bit of a language barrier but today we really connected.

The news is AMAZING.  Yet a little confusing.

We have....

-TWO morulas that look "great".  He said, "I can't promise anything but I expect them to be blastocysts tomorrow"

-FOUR embryos that are one day behind.  And I quote, "I expect a couple of them to catch up and we can freeze them".  What what what?

-FIVE other embryos 2-3 days behind.  He has almost no expectations for these guys, but said "you never know, we will check them again tomorrow".

So we have 11 embryos, out of 12 mature eggs.  I am still extremely confused as to why I was told only 3 had fertilized on day 1.  I sorta kinda asked that question and he said, "those were the advanced ones, the others were just slower".

Ummmmmmm this is amazing news!  My goal was to have 2 blasts to transfer on day 5 and by golly it looks like that might happen!

Today I am going to rehydrate, eat and relax.  After last night I feel like I am recovering from the flu and need to replenish the stores.

Thanks for all the support guys.  Hopefully I will update you all tomorrow that I am PUPO!

Not gonna transfer today!

Just got the call from the embryologist...now out of our precious 6...FOUR of them are 'looking really good'.  He said that meets the criteria to hold off for a 5 day transfer on Tuesday.

Please pray we have something to transfer on Tuesday!

He gave no exact details.  Last time on day 3 we had 10 embryos, 6 of which had 6-8 cells.  The clinic has a new embryologist since then and I guess he just doesn't give details.

I'm not sure if I will get a phone call update tomorrow or not.  The former embryologist didn't give day 4 updates because "it is such a critical time of growth for the embryo we don't like to disturb them".  I believe I was told this time that I woud be updated daily.  Who knows?

How am I going to get through the next 48 hours??????

Fert report day 2

Okay better news.  Today 6 have fertilized.   He said yesterday that he only had them out of the incubator for a minute and could only identify those that had "obviously" fertilized.  So today we have 6.  He said 2 are looking perfect and the other 4 look good but are a little behind.  His guess is now that we will do a 5 day transfer...BUT if tomorrow 2 look way better than he will call me in the morning for a 3 day transfer tomorrow.

So my faith is restored.  Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  Today I'm trying to focus on the positive.  :-)

Thanks for all of the encouragement!

Fert report: Day 1

It's all a numbers game - the more you start with hopefully the more you will have to transfer/freeze.

So out of 26 measurable follicles....
             
                16 eggs were retrieved....

                12 of those eggs were mature....

                 3 fertilized.

I am devastated.  Looking at a probable 3 day transfer Sunday.  He said it's possible that more could fertilize by tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.
 

                

Maturity Report

Out of 16 eggs retrieved 12 were mature and ICSIed.  So 12 potential babies growing in the lab!   They will call tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. 

Last time (I just can't help constantly comparing) we had 19 retrieved, 15 mature and ICSIed, and 10 that fertilized normally.  

So I'm looking for the magic 10 again tomorrow...or at least 8 please oh please!!

Retrieval

Initially I was told 13 eggs, after reviewing them in the lab final tally is 16.  My super sweet 16!

We're on our way home...maturity report later today.  I'm going to rest today.  So glad the retrieval is over.

Thanks

Thank you all for your support.  I started out this cycle kinda lost in the blogosphere.  Last time I had so many cycle buddies, and most of us were newbies.  This time I felt more alone.  But over the course of this cycle I have made new friends and found support from old ones :)

Last night I felt awful.  I took the 4 zithromax pills for pre-retrieval antibiotic coverage at about 7pm.  I took it with food.  By 8 I was soooooo sick to my stomach.  I quickly took a zofran and a benadryl.  I passed out at 9:30 and was awakened by my alarm at 9:58 for my 10pm trigger shot.  I gave it to myself completely out of it.  Today I POAS to make sure the trigger got into my system - and I got a light positive.  So I guess it worked.  This morning my nausea is much better, just back to feeling feverish and crampy.

I hate this day between trigger and retrieval.  There's nothing to do but sit around and hope you don't ovulate.  I didn't last time and I assume I won't this time, but for some reason it is crossing my mind a lot.  Maybe bc one of the girls on the fertility forum I frequent had it happen to her this cycle.

9am tomorrow can't come quickly enough!

Trigger tonight!

My appt was great again today...so hopefully the polyp and the fibroid are the hiccups for this cycle and from here it is smooth sailing.....

Today lining is 15mm (last cycle I think it was 11mm at this time).  Triple stripe and "beautiful" per the NP.  Fibroid still small measuring approx 2.1cm.

Ovaries are "pushed together"?  She couldn't really differentiate between the 2 sides.  But total of 26 (!) follicles, measuring from 12-21mm.  She read me off many measurements, I think there were like 5 at 21, several at 17-20, then several 12-17.  Last time I think I was told I had approx 30 follicles and they were measuring 12-19mm.

Estradiol 5,518.  Last cycle it was just over 6,000 so again looking ok!

Trigger tonight at 10:00pm.  Retrieval Thursday morning at 9am.

CD 1

So AF showed up today just one day late - I was obviously anxiously awaiting her arrival.  I called the clinic this morning and left them a message.  It's Sunday so I didn't expect much back - but 20 mins later they called and left me a voicemail.  I take this as a good omen of positive experiences to come :-)  I am to call back first thing in the morning and make an appt for my baseline u/s and 'day 3' labs Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.  I am obviously excited to make sure I have no cysts or anything and am ready to begin - but I am also ready to have that official calendar!  I am a visual person - I need it laid out in front of me. 

I AM SO EXCITED!

My AMH level

My clinic told me below 0.2 is bad, between 0.2-1 is borderline above 1 is great, above 2 is excellent.  

My level is.....

6.7!!!!!

I'm so happy!!!   There are two different scales used so googling gave me weird results, but it seems 6.8 and above is probably PCOS.  Hmmmmm.  I really don't think I have that. Who knows though?  Since we can only conceive through Ivf anyway due to MFI it's kind of a moot point.

Now I'm even more excited to cycle!  The weird thing is I'm all confident and unstressed and feeling good.  Last time I was super negative, sure it wouldn't work and talking myself into a child free life.  I hope I'm not jinxing myself!

Great day! I slept in (14 hours straight!!!!!!!!!!  I haven't slept like that since before the baby), DH and I just went on a 3.2 mile run, and we are going out to eat tonight while the in-laws babysit.  We have no family in town so when they visit we take advantage of the free baby-sitting!

While we were out on our run I was telling DH about a blog I read through recently (can't remember which one it was, lately I have been reading through blogs like novels) and a man with a low sperm count went on arimidex and his testosterone and sperm counts went up dramatically....I kind of wish I hadn't told him because now he thinks maybe we should postpone IVF and go back to the urologist and talk about that.  I say we go forward with IVF and use the arimidex possible miracle as a back up plan. Anyone have any information on arimidex??

Oh and I got a new job this week!  Next fall I will officially be an adjunct professor!  SO FANCY!  Really it is just teaching two 5 week courses of medical terminology online to healthcare IT students.  I will still be working as an ER nurse but this will allow me to make some money from home...and who knows, maybe lead me down a new career path?

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.