I sent my R.E's office a passive agressive message on Facebook

Wasn't that a mature thing to do?

They posted an article touting their new embryologist, with brand new lab equipment, etc., etc., etc.  The article was dripping with enthusiasm and optimism.  It made me want to puke.

I clicked on the link for the bio of their new embryologist.  Certainly not the person I met at their office, not the person who repeatedly told me conflicting things throughout our cycle, not the person who in June 2013 when I had my sit down with the NP was told was "our new embryologist who is having such high success and freeze rates that it gives me chills".

The article literally made me sick to my stomach.  If so soon after hiring the last guy they had to go get a 'world-class, precedent setting' embryologist then obviously the man who made and handled my embryos was hideous.  Otherwise why the quick turnover?

So I sent them a message simply asking when this new embryologist started work there and that I was told in June that the embryologist had just started then.  That was 3 days ago and I haven't heard anything back.  I'm sure I won't.  It definitely made me feel better though just to shove it in their faces.

2 years old!

How is that possible?

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have a two year old.  That seems so old!!!!!!

We are going to have a very low-key day - I ordered a chocolate birthday cake, we just had pancakes for breakfast and we are going to the beach later.  We have a few presents for her to open but nothing major.  Our focus today is spending time as a family together and having fun!

Whirlwind

Life with a 22 month old is nuts!  Good crazy but so busy!  She never sits still, is starting to speak short sentences, and amazes me every day.  Today she brought me her baby doll and the wipes and said, "poopy!!"  So I changed the baby :)

At her early 2 year appt (at 22 months) she weighed 26.5 lbs (60th percentile) and was 34.5 inches (90th percentile). Dr said she's gonna be tall and skinny (I'm jealous).

We leave  in 2 weeks.  There is still so much left to do before we leave!   I'm so ready to just be there.  I still need to start a new blog to document our travels ...when I do I will definitely share it here.

There have been three million "I'm gonna be a big sister" etc announcements on Facebook and in blogs lately. I'm obviously happy for everyone, but it always feels like a punch in the gut.  Funnily enough I don't have that reaction to someone getting pregnant with their first.   But siblings get to me somehow.  That said I feel really settled with only having one.  I've sold or given away almost every single baby item and am realizing how much easier our new adventure will be without a pregnancy and newborn to deal with.  Oh well, decision made and that's that.

Love to all!

A new blog?

So I am thinking about starting a new blog chronicling our adventures over there.  I have obsessively been reading expat blogs and learning so much.  I am having a dilemma though...I love this blog.  It has been home for so long and I hate to leave it.

But our infertility journey is over - we have decided on absolutely no more treatments, have off-handedly talked about adoption but I doubt we have the drive to go down this road, and the chances of a surprise pregnancy are extremely slim to none.  So maybe I should just transition this blog of mine into an American Girl in the Middle East type vibe?  The problem is of course that this blog is (semi) confidential.  Only one or two people in my real life know about it as far as I know.  And if I start blogging about our new adventures I will want to use my real name and include lots more pics of us, and what's more I will want to give the blog address to my family and friends, perchance even give out the address on facebook, gasp!

What should I do?  I know I can start a new one and just share that address here for any of you who want to follow along.  But I like this space!  I like my blog name.  SO maybe I could convert to using my real name, and maybe put some of the more personal posts to password protected for now.  Maybe half of my family and friends know we did IVF, I'm not very shy about that.  But as far as details about MFI, and the fact that we have debated dIUI several times, I'm not sure DH will want that knowledge public.

Any advice?

Also to all of you currently in treatment, pregnant, or just giving birth - I love you, I wish you nothing but the best, I read your updates, but sometimes it is just too much to comment right now.  I hope you understand.

Changes on the horizon

My husband has been offered a job in the Middle East. We are waiting to hear the official offer before we accept it but it's looking like we could be moving there before the end of the year.

Ummm.  Yeah.

Pros - I can be a stay at home mom, we will get ahead financially, our family of 3 will have all weekends off together (now I work most weekends), and it's a huge career boost for DH.

Cons - It's hot.  It's far from family and friends.

Truthfully I'm ready for an adventure and a change.  Onward and upward!

Doing better

Sorry my last post was so negative.  I'm feeling a lot better about everything now.  Enjoying 2 cups of coffee every morning and playing with my daughter as much as possible.

Today we are going to the Renaissance Festival...I am so excited to take her there!  DH and I have been a couple times before but never with a child.  They have a petting zoo, rides, face painting, elephant rides.  It's gonna be a blast!

It's over

Beta came down to 4.  All day I was praying it was either super high or super low...I got one of my wishes.

The nurse practitioner that called me said it was absolutely nothing I did, it was most likely a genetic defect in the embryo and was doomed from the start.

She said the dr wants to sit down and talk to us about what went wrong.  I told her we can't afford to try again so it doesn't really matter what went wrong.  I almost got through this without crying.

I am pissed off that the Dr himself didn't call me.  After all money, shots, blood draws and conflicting reports from the embryologist I think I deserved at least that.

So I am on beer 5.  Adios IVF, thank you for my daughter, but right now fuck you.

9dp5dt

My bleeding continues.  All of the symptoms I had are gone - nausea, sore boobs, feverish feeling.  My hpt was lighter this morning than the last few days.  Is it ok that I was relieved the stick wasn't darker?  I am just ready for this to be over.  I feel like my life has been on hold for the last month and I just want to get back to it.

This morning I drank a full caf cup of coffee, then went for a (slow) 1 mile run with Pipsqueak.  I literally have not one shred of hope that this pregnancy is going anywhere but away from me.

Repeat beta tomorrow, unless it wants to magically jump to above 100 than I'd rather it just be way lower.  No increase unless it's a big one please.  Surely that's not too much to ask.

Beta 8dp5dt

is 26.  So obviously low.  And the bleeding continues.  At this point I just hope it goes right down and doesn't drag on.  Repeat beta scheduled for Friday.

New plan

Called the RE's nurse.  She was very pessimistic considering I'm now passing clots and bleeding fairly heavy.  We've moved up my beta to tomorrow (8dp5dt) and repeat on Friday. So I'm relieved to know something sooner.  My RE notoriously refused to do betas earlier than 9 days so this is a small victory. 

She told me to continue all meds.  Oh and the great news that I can take the Tylenol #3 that had been rx for egg retrieval for the cramps.

Oh this is certainly a fun day. 

I'm bleeding - Happy 200th post and 40,000 pageviews!

So I started spotting last night, just tannish stuff.  Which I had with Pipsqueak's cycle too at almost the same time so no biggie.  Then this morning it was rust colored but still hardly any. 

This morning's FRER was darker than yesterday's but not by a ton.  CB digital said Not Pregnant. 

At 10am I went to take a shower after vacuuming and there was dark red blood staining my thighs.  When I wiped it was like a normal period.

Just took another FRER and it's darker than this morning's.  

Beta is scheduled for Thursday at 7:30am.  I'll be 9dp5dt.  I work all day Saturday and Monday so I won't be able to get a recheck of beta til next Tuesday maybe?  Fml

Clearly this is over, right? Cramps continue as they have since 3dpt.

I feel like I'm dreaming (warning more pee sticks ahead)

My afternoon test today at 6dp5dt is even darker!

I cannot believe I am pregnant.  Just like last time I was certain it wouldn't work.  Keep the faith ladies!

6dp5dt

I think it's photographable now!!!!  Here is this morning's test:

I'm calling it

I think it's a BFP!

I have been peeing on absolutely every preg test I can get my hands on.  Like I have a bad addiction and need an intervention.  I tested out trigger and got my first 100% blank negative at 2dp5dt.  3dp5dt was also negative.  These were all internet cheapies (wondfo I think).  Yesterday at 4dp5dt I did a First Response Early Result which was negative.  But my wondfo yesterday had that most faintest of all shadows.  You had to tilt it, hold it right up to bright light and make a wish to see it.  My mom saw it too though, so I wasn't completely losing it.

This morning took a wondfo and FRER again.  The wondfo had the weird light shadow again which I just felt weird about, but the FRER had a definite light second line!  VERY light, still had to kind of hold it up to the light.

Just took an afternoon test (see I need help) and both have a more obvious line!  Still light (but I am only 5dp5dt so of course it should be light) but I can see both in natural light without tilting it!

So when did anyone else get their positive sticks after IVF?  Am I just crazy?  Last time I had a positive at 6dp5dt.

Also I have cramps that feel just like AF is about to start...which is exactly what I blogged at 5dp5dt last time!

Please sign!

Have you ever been sooo jealous of those people who have infertility insurance coverage?  I know I have.  We are not lucky enough to live in a state where infertility coverage is mandated.  If like me you think we all deserve to be covered for this medical condition please sign this petition and share it!  I shared it to my facebook feed.

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/recognize-infertility-disability-and-all-states-be-mandated-supply-coverage-and-treatment-through/wB814t4y

1dp5dt

Just got the call that no embryos were able to be frozen.  the farthest any of the rest of them got was to the morula stage by day 6.

Yesterday I rested all day, today I've been pretty active.  My  DH's Grandma (97 years old!) passed away last week, and he is taking Pipsqueak and flying halfway across the country today.  So as you can imagine today is stressful in terms of packing and in terms of me crying hysterically every 5 mins.  I physically MISS her and she isn't leaving for another 2 hours.  She's napping now.

I have had low grade menstrual cramps ever since about 8pm last night.  I remember last time I had cramps around 3dpt but not this early.  I hope this isn't a bad sign.  Man it's hard to not read into everything.

All of my obsessive googling has made me happy that both of my embryos were rated aa.  But I am so concerned that they hadn't progresses farther along.  Here is the info on blast grading if anyone cares :

Expansion grade	Blastocyst development and stage status
1	Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2	Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3	Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4	Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5	Hatching out of the shell
6	Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade	Inner cell mass quality
A	Many cells, tightly packed
B	Several cells, loosely grouped
C	Very few cells

TE grade	Trophectoderm quality
A	Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B	Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C	Very few large cells

Mine were a 2aa and a 1aa.  Please be hatching today little ones.

PUPO with twins!

2 blasts transferred.  A 2aa and a 1aa.  According to the Internet these are intermediate embryos.  My RE called them 'near perfect'.  So who knows?  It's out of my hands now.

Transfer went very well.  DH and I were laughing and singing along to the ridiculous Muzak beforehand.  

Beta scheduled for 8/29.  Obviously I will POAS well before that - I've already been testing out the trigger shot :-). I have no self control.

Fert Report Day 4

OMG this embryologist won't stop with the surprises!  I think there is a little bit of a language barrier but today we really connected.

The news is AMAZING.  Yet a little confusing.

We have....

-TWO morulas that look "great".  He said, "I can't promise anything but I expect them to be blastocysts tomorrow"

-FOUR embryos that are one day behind.  And I quote, "I expect a couple of them to catch up and we can freeze them".  What what what?

-FIVE other embryos 2-3 days behind.  He has almost no expectations for these guys, but said "you never know, we will check them again tomorrow".

So we have 11 embryos, out of 12 mature eggs.  I am still extremely confused as to why I was told only 3 had fertilized on day 1.  I sorta kinda asked that question and he said, "those were the advanced ones, the others were just slower".

Ummmmmmm this is amazing news!  My goal was to have 2 blasts to transfer on day 5 and by golly it looks like that might happen!

Today I am going to rehydrate, eat and relax.  After last night I feel like I am recovering from the flu and need to replenish the stores.

Thanks for all the support guys.  Hopefully I will update you all tomorrow that I am PUPO!

My assvice for others (warning: TMI)

-If you've had constipation problems before
-If you've tried upping your fiber and water and taking walks
-If you've even tried an IVF risque cup of coffee to get things moving
-If you've taken stool softeners 3 times a day since starting the bcp
-If you tried milk of magnesia and still had NO result
-If you had to help small, rock hard pebbles 'escape'
-If you've tried everything, DO NOT....


Take the  maximum THREE stimulant laxatives right before dinner.  Because if you do that you will crap your pants in your sleep.

Not gonna transfer today!

Just got the call from the embryologist...now out of our precious 6...FOUR of them are 'looking really good'.  He said that meets the criteria to hold off for a 5 day transfer on Tuesday.

Please pray we have something to transfer on Tuesday!

He gave no exact details.  Last time on day 3 we had 10 embryos, 6 of which had 6-8 cells.  The clinic has a new embryologist since then and I guess he just doesn't give details.

I'm not sure if I will get a phone call update tomorrow or not.  The former embryologist didn't give day 4 updates because "it is such a critical time of growth for the embryo we don't like to disturb them".  I believe I was told this time that I woud be updated daily.  Who knows?

How am I going to get through the next 48 hours??????

Fert report day 2

Okay better news.  Today 6 have fertilized.   He said yesterday that he only had them out of the incubator for a minute and could only identify those that had "obviously" fertilized.  So today we have 6.  He said 2 are looking perfect and the other 4 look good but are a little behind.  His guess is now that we will do a 5 day transfer...BUT if tomorrow 2 look way better than he will call me in the morning for a 3 day transfer tomorrow.

So my faith is restored.  Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  Today I'm trying to focus on the positive.  :-)

Thanks for all of the encouragement!

Fert report: Day 1

It's all a numbers game - the more you start with hopefully the more you will have to transfer/freeze.

So out of 26 measurable follicles....
             
                16 eggs were retrieved....

                12 of those eggs were mature....

                 3 fertilized.

I am devastated.  Looking at a probable 3 day transfer Sunday.  He said it's possible that more could fertilize by tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.
 

                

Maturity Report

Out of 16 eggs retrieved 12 were mature and ICSIed.  So 12 potential babies growing in the lab!   They will call tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. 

Last time (I just can't help constantly comparing) we had 19 retrieved, 15 mature and ICSIed, and 10 that fertilized normally.  

So I'm looking for the magic 10 again tomorrow...or at least 8 please oh please!!

Retrieval

Initially I was told 13 eggs, after reviewing them in the lab final tally is 16.  My super sweet 16!

We're on our way home...maturity report later today.  I'm going to rest today.  So glad the retrieval is over.

Thanks

Thank you all for your support.  I started out this cycle kinda lost in the blogosphere.  Last time I had so many cycle buddies, and most of us were newbies.  This time I felt more alone.  But over the course of this cycle I have made new friends and found support from old ones :)

Last night I felt awful.  I took the 4 zithromax pills for pre-retrieval antibiotic coverage at about 7pm.  I took it with food.  By 8 I was soooooo sick to my stomach.  I quickly took a zofran and a benadryl.  I passed out at 9:30 and was awakened by my alarm at 9:58 for my 10pm trigger shot.  I gave it to myself completely out of it.  Today I POAS to make sure the trigger got into my system - and I got a light positive.  So I guess it worked.  This morning my nausea is much better, just back to feeling feverish and crampy.

I hate this day between trigger and retrieval.  There's nothing to do but sit around and hope you don't ovulate.  I didn't last time and I assume I won't this time, but for some reason it is crossing my mind a lot.  Maybe bc one of the girls on the fertility forum I frequent had it happen to her this cycle.

9am tomorrow can't come quickly enough!

Trigger tonight!

My appt was great again today...so hopefully the polyp and the fibroid are the hiccups for this cycle and from here it is smooth sailing.....

Today lining is 15mm (last cycle I think it was 11mm at this time).  Triple stripe and "beautiful" per the NP.  Fibroid still small measuring approx 2.1cm.

Ovaries are "pushed together"?  She couldn't really differentiate between the 2 sides.  But total of 26 (!) follicles, measuring from 12-21mm.  She read me off many measurements, I think there were like 5 at 21, several at 17-20, then several 12-17.  Last time I think I was told I had approx 30 follicles and they were measuring 12-19mm.

Estradiol 5,518.  Last cycle it was just over 6,000 so again looking ok!

Trigger tonight at 10:00pm.  Retrieval Thursday morning at 9am.

Stims Day 10

Tonight will be my 10th dose of stims.  Almost surely my last night, as I'll then be completely out of meds, and seeing as my lead follicle was almost 16mm Saturday I'm sure I am ready to trigger tomorrow night.  I have a 9am appt tomorrow for u/s and estradiol level to make sure of this, of course. 

No matter what the outcome of this cycle, this will be my last stims injection ever.  I may have to raise a tiny glass of champagne tonight to toast this wonderful occasion!  Because I am ready to be done.  Of course I hope this cycle will have been worth it.  But if it was nothing than a fruitless effort, so be it.  At least I will be done!

Retrieval set tentatively for this Thursday.

As for how I'm feeling - feverish, bloated, crampy.  Just like last time.  

What I'm really dreading is that horrible in between time after retrieval when you wait to hear how your embryos are growing.  That's the part I'd most like to skip over this time.  Even more so than the 2ww.  

Stims Day 8

So, good monitoring appt.   My lining is 12mm and triple stripe (last time it was at 10mm at this time).  The fibroid is actually measuring smaller than last week - at like 1.6 x 1.8 cm.  He said as long as it is under 3 cm they don't really care, and it definitely is on the outside.

My follices are going nuts - 2 at 15mm, 3 at 14mm, 4 at 13mm, 2 at 12mm, several at 9-10mm. Equal between the two ovaries.
He said (and I quote), "I don't know, this is looking even better than last time somehow". SWEET! 

Estradiol level 1,036 (was 1488 at this point last time).

Dr just called with the level and said he is postponing my Monday appt to Tuesday, probable trigger Tuesday night, retrieval on Thursday.  This would give me a full 10 days of stims, just like last time.

Starting to feel uncomfortable and full, with headaches and nausea, but nothing too bad.  Fingers crossed!!!

Okay I feel better now...

My estradiol is 205...with Pipsqueak on this day it was 202.  So theoretically everything is perfect and I am stressing for nothing.

I'm just going to pretend there was no mention of a possible phantom fibroid.  Sounds like a scary  superhero.

Stims day 5

I had my day 5 monitoring appt this morning:

Right side:  8 total, largest measuring 10mm.

Left side: at least 4-5 (hard to see), largest measuring 6.9mm.   (last cycle I was just told "lots of follicles, largest measuring 9mm)

Uterus: Lining 7.2 (last cycle was 10 at this point).  She saw a "possible" fibroid measuring 2cm.  Since I JUST had a surgical hysteroscopy and no fibroid was seen I don't understand how I could have one.  I told the NP that and she kinda backtracked, saying it may just be a piece of my uterus?  WTF?  Why would a piece of my uterus look like a fibroid?  She said the Dr will review it and let me know what he thinks.  When they call with my estradiol level later today I am gonna ask more questions.  She did say worst case scenario if the fibroid grew the embryos would be frozen for later transfer.

Seriously.  Last round my uterus was so perfect.  No polyps, no fibroids.

UGH.  I am just feeling like this cycle keeps encountering speed bumps.  Next monitoring appt is this Saturday.

Thank you Macrobid, thank you!

I feel SO much better!!!  Thank God the macrobid is working.  I had gotten myself all worked up that it was not a UTI and was actually a weird Lupron reaction.  I'm slightly paranoid.  I'm also fond of telling my family that I'm in menopause.  With an estrogen level of 9 I think it's valid. 

Baseline bf stims

Baseline u/s - lining thin, 9 follicles on the right, left ovary not visualized (damn ovary hiding behind my colon!) and estradiol is 9.  I am in menopause big time at the moment - they wanted it less than 100.  SO I am adequately suppressed.

Spent last night in the ER for this UTI.  FINALLY on macrobid after 3 days of symptoms.  Hope it helps, this is by far the worst one I've ever had!

Stims in 2 days!

3 years ago

3 years ago this month I started this blog.  Oh if I had only known what was in store for me!

Last bcp was yesterday, first monitoring appt is baseline this Thursday, start stims this Saturday.  Things are moving so much more quickly this time!!!

Another snag however, last night I started peeing blood and having classic UTI symptoms.  The nurse (and I) are assuming it's from having a cath during surgery on Friday.  I went in and gave a urine sample today and should hear back tomorrow and start on some antibiotics.

GREAT news also today...polyp was found to be benign!  No uterine cancer, thank God.  The chances were small but I know we've hit those small chances before.  

Surgery done

Surgery was easy :). Don't remember a thing. Everyone was amazing. The RE showed my dh the pictures afterward of my uterus and polyp, and promised me he will show them to me at my next appt.  

All was successful, Lupron shots start tonight at 10 units, stims start in 8 days.

I got my meds in the mail today - about $3300 worth which I think is similar to last time.  I used freedom pharmacy rather than Walgreens specialty pharm.  Potato, potahto.

Here is the requisite let's go pic:

I'm going to relax now with my Percocet haze.  Pain is similar to bad menstrual cramps and boy does the Percocet help that.  

Have a great weekend everyone!

Summer colds suck

Why is that?  A cold in the summertime sucks so much more than a cold in winter.  It is just so unnatural.  Pipsqueak got it first, then I quickly followed.  Nasal congestion, runny nose, headache and body aches.  She is also trying to cut her incisors so she is just a mess.

I started out this cycle being so good - taking no ibuprofen or benadryl, just tylenol for the occasional bcp induced headache.   Now I am taking ibuprofen, Nyquil, Dayquil and afrin.  I figured since I am gettting general anesthesia Friday that these drugs are child's play.  Oh well what can you do?

I am LOVING ICLW this month!  I have been reading and commenting on so many new blogs!  It's so nice to feel that sense of community again.  xoxoxo.  I wish all of you cycling now or in the future all of the luck in the world!

-Surgery this Friday at 10:50am.  Start Lupron that evening.  Here we go!

ICLW

Welcome!  I haven't done ICLW in awhile....but I have been reading new blogs and commenting like crazy lately so I thought I might as well join in the fun!  Here's a quick synopsis of our journey so far:

We tried naturally for a year, saw an RE and were diagnosed with severe male factor infertility.  There has never been a cause found, just very low counts, motility and morphology.  We were blessedly successful with our first IVF/ICSI cycle in April 2011 and have a 19 month old daughter.  I am at the very beginning of starting our 2nd IVF cycle, am currently on bcp and aspirin, start Lupron next week. Last week at my sonohysterogram a uterine polyp was found and must be removed before proceeding.

Surgery (hysteroscopy and polypectomy under general anesthesia) is tentatively scheduled for Friday.  This is approx. 2 1/2 weeks before our estimated retrieval which the dr says is fine.  I am not exactly pleased about this road bump but have settled down tremendously thanks to all the reassurance here.  Thanks ladies!

Ugh ugh ugh!!!!!!!

I have a uterine polyp.  They found it during my sonohysterogram today.  It's 1cm and has to be removed.  Next week they will do a hysteroscopy under general anesthesia.  I've never had general so I'm kinda scared.  

They said it won't postpone my cycle at all so that's good I suppose.  

She said polyps are usually nothing but "4% of the time it ends up being cancer".  Wikipedia says only 0.5% of the time so I'm choosing to ignore that.

It's always something isn't it?

Trial transfer was fine.  She visualized both of my ovaries easily and saw "Many, many follicles".  Again, focusing on the good news.

Anyone have experience with hysteroscopy or polyps?

BCP Day 1

Just took my first official meds for this cycle!  Baby aspirin and birth control.  Here we go!

CD 2 baseline appt

My baseline appt was great!  Uterine lining was thin, 7 follicles on the right, 4 follicles seen on the left. My left ovary was "pushed up" against my uterus

 and hard to visualize, the nurse practitioner thought there were probably several more she couldn't see.

I just got the call with my lab results. FSH 8.7, Estradiol 24.   I am sooooo happy with those numbers.  Estradiol should be below 60 and FSH is in the perfect range.  When I first got my FSH level drawn like 3 years ago it was similar to what it is now.  2 years ago with our first IVF cycle it was 11.  This is in the borderline range - meaning possible low ovarian reserve.  SO now I've had 2 perfect levels and 1 borderline.  They say that your level is only as good as your highest value - but knowing that my AMH level is also great leads me to believe something was up with my cycle last time - I kind of remember spotting for a few days before what I thought was CD1, so maybe it was actually like CD5 or 6 when I got my labs drawn.

The NP said, "So everything looks great so far but obviously the Dr will keep in mind your last FSH level when determining your medication dosages."  So I guess I will be on high doses of stims again.  I mean that's great since last time we were obviously successful - but also my estradiol got up to over 7000 and I felt like absolute shit.  Hmmm.  Maybe I will see if we can start slightly lower then increase as we go.  Or I could just shut the hell up and leave it to the experts.

Birth control pills and baby aspirin start this Thursday, saline sonohysterogram and trial transfer on 7/17, begin Lupron 7/26, start stims 8/3.

Retrieval is looking to take place August 14.  O.M.G.

CD 1

So AF showed up today just one day late - I was obviously anxiously awaiting her arrival.  I called the clinic this morning and left them a message.  It's Sunday so I didn't expect much back - but 20 mins later they called and left me a voicemail.  I take this as a good omen of positive experiences to come :-)  I am to call back first thing in the morning and make an appt for my baseline u/s and 'day 3' labs Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.  I am obviously excited to make sure I have no cysts or anything and am ready to begin - but I am also ready to have that official calendar!  I am a visual person - I need it laid out in front of me. 

I AM SO EXCITED!

July 1

It's July 1!  Which means our IVF cycle starts this month (yay!).

We are on a little lake getaway this weekend with my inlaws.  Poor Pipsqueak is sleeping in a pack n play in a closet - LOL.  Yesterday she woke at 4:53 am.  This was not ideal.  Today she slept til almost 6 so she's getting used to it I guess.  

My AMH level

My clinic told me below 0.2 is bad, between 0.2-1 is borderline above 1 is great, above 2 is excellent.  

My level is.....

6.7!!!!!

I'm so happy!!!   There are two different scales used so googling gave me weird results, but it seems 6.8 and above is probably PCOS.  Hmmmmm.  I really don't think I have that. Who knows though?  Since we can only conceive through Ivf anyway due to MFI it's kind of a moot point.

Now I'm even more excited to cycle!  The weird thing is I'm all confident and unstressed and feeling good.  Last time I was super negative, sure it wouldn't work and talking myself into a child free life.  I hope I'm not jinxing myself!

IVF #2, appt #1 recap

My first appt for this next round of IVF was amazing!!  I really didn't know what to expect - I knew I was meeting with the NP but wasn't really sure what else was going to happen.  Here's a recap:

- She reviewed the charts from my last (obviously successful) cycle. She said I had an "excellent response", "stimulated very well" and "had a wonderful percent of mature eggs after retrieval".  Since this was only 2 years ago and I'm only 32 she thinks I will also have a good response this time.

- She reviewed a calendar with possible dates : as soon as my next cycle starts (should be 1st week of July) I call their office, then go in either CD 2, 3, or 4 for blood work and u/s.  Start bcp and aspirin CD 5 for 2-4 weeks and lupron at some point (length of time depends on their office schedule - they do their egg retrievals grouped together) - then stim for 9-10 days, followed by egg retrieval and transfer.  She estimates the 2nd week of August would be retrieval/transfer.   She assumes I will again be put on menopur and bravelle but that the RE will decide everything based on my updated labs and u/s.

- I was informed that their office has a new embryologist. It made me sad as she was the one who made Pipsqueak!!!

BUT the NP told me since the new embryologist started they are experiencing a very high success rate and almost all patients are ending up with extra embryos to freeze.  She actually held up her arm and showed me her goosebumps, saying, "it just gives me chills how many people are getting pregnant right now.  We don't know what his secret is!".  Love it!

- I told her I was still a little haunted by my fsh of 11 last time. She said it meant absolutely nothing because I obviously made several eggs.  I asked if there was anything she could check to make me feel better so I had an AMH level drawn yesterday.  She said anything above 1.0 is great, anything under 0.19 is very very bad and anything in between is ok but not great.  I've never had one drawn  -  anyone have any insight?

I guess that's it. Nothing more to be done until July.  I had a last hurrah this week - my best friend stayed with us and we drank lots of beer :-).  No more from here on out. And dear god I need start cutting down on caffeine.  I've weaned down but am still having one cup of half caf coffee and 2 diet cokes a day.  Goal is no coffee and 1 diet coke (hard core addict :-). I'm going to continue running and walking and eating well.  (This also fell to the wayside this week!). 

Here goes nothin'!

Great day! I slept in (14 hours straight!!!!!!!!!!  I haven't slept like that since before the baby), DH and I just went on a 3.2 mile run, and we are going out to eat tonight while the in-laws babysit.  We have no family in town so when they visit we take advantage of the free baby-sitting!

While we were out on our run I was telling DH about a blog I read through recently (can't remember which one it was, lately I have been reading through blogs like novels) and a man with a low sperm count went on arimidex and his testosterone and sperm counts went up dramatically....I kind of wish I hadn't told him because now he thinks maybe we should postpone IVF and go back to the urologist and talk about that.  I say we go forward with IVF and use the arimidex possible miracle as a back up plan. Anyone have any information on arimidex??

Oh and I got a new job this week!  Next fall I will officially be an adjunct professor!  SO FANCY!  Really it is just teaching two 5 week courses of medical terminology online to healthcare IT students.  I will still be working as an ER nurse but this will allow me to make some money from home...and who knows, maybe lead me down a new career path?

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

IVF #2 is a go....

I have scheduled the first sit down appt with our RE to discuss our next IVF attempt - it's in late June.  Our plans are to start the process in July - and if my next 2 periods start when I think they will start, and the timing is similar to last time (obviously this is a BIG if...for all I know he will recommend a different protocol or something, or I could respond differently) that would give us a retrival date of August 7.

WOW.

I am suddenly way excited and less nervous than before.  There is really no use in speculating about whether we should do this or not - if it doesn't work then at least we tried.  I could see regretting not trying at all though...

Mother's Day 5k update...

I did the 5k in 35:18!  I am crazy proud of myself :-).  It made my average pace 11:22/mile.  I ran most of it with short walks to catch my breath of about 30 seconds.

I literally feel in the best shape of my life (which isn't saying much - I've pretty much been out of shape my whole life).

Happy Mother's Day to everyone - whether you're a mother or just wish to one day be one.   Xoxo

2 years

2 years ago today I had two embryos placed back into my uterus. I was oh so sure neither would stick - but one did. And she is worth every second of pain and sacrifice that it took to bring her home. Love you Pipsqueak!

Baby weight drama

I started out overweight when we started IVF.  I gained 40 pounds while pregnant.  All through my pregnancy and first 12 weeks of post partum I cared very little about it - all that mattered was her health and that breast feeding was going well - days I restricted calories I noticed a drop in my supply - and my supply was never overabundant to start with so I ate about 2000-2500 calories a day for the first year of Pipsqueak's life.

Breast-feeding alone got me down to just below my pre-IVF weight.  I know this because I was eating like a pig and hardly exercising.  MIRACLE! I sometimes wonder if I should have continued pumping/nursing for years....LOL.

I started walking with her when she was quite young and when she turned one I began walking 4-5 times a week on the treadmill during naps. Nothing dramatic, just 30 mins at a moderate pace.  I also began tracking calories on my phone, aiming for around 1500 cals a day but usually ending up near 2000.  Definitely less than I had been though.  I think both of these things did affect my supply - and I think that's what encouraged her to wean herself - she was sick of not getting much.

2 weeks ago I began Couch to 5k.  I am on Week 3 Day 2 today.  I have NEVER been a runner - but am really enjoying this program.  I have no aspirations of being a serious marathon runner ever - but have a goal to be able to jog most of a Mother's 5k on Mother's Day with some friends.  We shall see - if I walk most of it I won't be too mad at myself.  I ordered the new Graco jogging stroller and it should arrive Thursday - I am sooo excited to run outside!

Here is my weight record.  Maybe sharing here will motivate me more!!!!
5' 6.5"-height
177 - wedding day weight in 2009.
193 - pre IVF weight in 2011 - BMI 30.7 - Obese range.  NOT OK
233 - delivery day weight - OMG
201 - weight 12 weeks post partum - I think most of what I had lost up to then was water weight.
191 - weight approx 9 months post partum - thank you breast-feeding!
178 - weight now - BMI 28.3 - Overweight range.  Much better

I am very proud of myself.  My goal has been to get down to my wedding day weight and I am almost there!  165 is like my dream weight so maybe I can hit that too.

We're done

Weaning is over hurrah!

This past week she suddenly self weaned!!! I literally did almost nothing - but I'm realizing my supply must have been super low because I hardly had any engorgement.

So we made it to 15 months breast feeding. I am extremely proud and at the same time it's sad to be done. Will I ever nurse another baby? If I knew for sure she was my last I'd probably push the issue and try to keep her interested.

We are still talking about IVF in the fall for Project Sibling. Nothing is 100% yet but we are leaning towards it. If we were a normal fertile couple we wouldn't even discuss whether or not to have a second baby - but knowing what we have to go through and the expense involved - just ugh. Somehow the first time around it felt like we HAD to try. This time it feels selfish somehow....like we already won the Powerball yet keep buying tickets. Does that make any sense? Pipsqueak deserves a sibling I think. That's the driving force.

If we are unsuccessful I will just kick myself.


Also obviously I want another teeny tiny cutie :-).

Night terrors

OMG. Baby having a night terror is NO FUN!!!!!

For the last two days PS has refused an afternoon nap. From what I've read this usually doesn't happen til 18 months or so? So she has been going to bed super early, like 6:30. Monday night she slept 6:30pm-5am silently, then woke up and slept in with Daddy til 7:30. Last night she went down at 6:30 and was SCREAMING at 8. It took 15 mins of us doing everything we could possibly think of before she stopped. She looked so scared. I checked her temp (97.8) and gave Tylenol just in case something was hurting but my gut says she was scared.

Evidently achieving new milestones (verbally here - like 5 new words this last week) can bring on nightmares/terrors. And DH tells me he had them as a kid. Yuck!

Anyone have any experience with this?

14 months today

14 months old on Valentine's Day!  So sweet.

Quick update for posterity - at 14 months Pipsqueak can:

-say 9 words consistently and with the correct meanings- Dada, Mama, Kitty-Cat, Again, Water, Ball Ball, Cheese, Pop-Pop, and Bye-Bye.  Says oh so many words that I cannot understand for the life of me.

-RUN.   Literally runs away and faster than me.  She is a speedster.

-put herself to sleep at night and even for most naps.

-Sleeping 10-11 hours straight at night in her crib - usually from 7:30pm-6am.  SO GLAD the 4:30am wakeups seems to be fading away.  6am seems a simply luxurious sleeping in at this point!!!!

-napping one huge nap midday (2-3 hours, usually 11am-2pm), and usually another 30-60 min nap late afternoon although sometimes she skips this.

-feeds herself for many meals - LOVES finger foods - especially shredded cheese, iron kids bread, deli meats, green beans, hummus.  Still is loving pouches of baby veggies and fruits, and allows me to spoon feed her yogurt and gerber baby purees.

She is still breast feeding 3-4 times a day.  I really don't know how I am going to wean her, the kid loves it.  DH and I are going on an 11 day vacation to Hawaii in June while my parents stay with the baby so we have to wean by then.  I guess I won't worry about it until May :-)

Every Tuesday morning we go to story time at the local library and she loves it.  We are starting swimming lessons in April and I have begun researching gymanstics classes.  It is so nice having the freedom to schedule so many activities and play dates...I am really starting to see the upside of only having one child.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

13+ months

Life is good here.  Little update for myself more than anything:

-Pipsqueak is sleeping 7pm-5am straight almost every night (I'd love to have her sleep later but I can't argue with 10 hours straight!).

- Still nursing - 2-6 times a day depending on what's going on.  Some days I love that I am still breast-feeding and other days I feel done.  So far so good, I don't see us completely stopping anytime soon.

-She is eating solid food 4-5 times a day.  She LOVES squeezable pouches of fruits and veggies, not such a big fan of fresh produce.  I bought some reusable pouches to make some homemade purees - I hope she likes them!  She also loves yogurt, hummus, cheerios, deli ham, teddy grahams, cheese, shredded beef, sweet potatoes, puffs and bites of whatever Mommy and Daddy are having.

- She is taking her iron like a champ.  We make sure to brush her teeth right after (it can stain teeth brown) and she can't have milk 30 mis before and after.

-She says the following words consistently - kitty, mama, dada, again, and her first sentence - "BYE BYE DADA!" accompanied with waving both hands.  She says it all day long LOL.

-She RUNS - started walking at 9.5 months and seems to be very ahead with physical development.  This makes me inordinately proud.  I know I have nothing to do with it.

-I have debated swimming or gymnastics lessons but haven't started either.  We have become regulars at the weekly baby (9-18 month) read-in at the local library.  Just recently she has started sitting through entire books and bringing me books to read.  I am so excited - I love reading and really want her to love it as well.

Having a toddler is much more fun than having a baby I think.  Easier and harder in different ways but just more FUN!

Anemic

Has anyone else dealt with their 1 year old testing low on iron? Hgb of 9.6 and we started her on iron supplementation today. Just wondering what dose and when you had to follow up? Thanks!

It worked again

One night of sleep training and she is back! The night in question involved a 12:45am wake-up - I went in twice to calm her down but didn't pick her up, and she cried for 15-20 minutes before lying down and going back to sleep. Every night since she's slept 9-12 hours straight. This morning until 5:40 even! I'm so proud :-)

I hate coming up with blog titles.  Anyone else?

Hubby is taking Fertilaid - who knows if it really helps at all or not but it can't hurt.  We still need to make an appt with the urologist but haven't gotten around to it.  Seeing as I am still breastfeeding quite a bit I'd be surprised if I am even ovulating so we are not in a super big hurry.

Holidays were good - we travelled for 2 weeks to see DH's family, then my family came to us for a week.  Truthfully the holidays are just stressful with all the travel required.  I LOVE seeing family but I would love to just celebrate Christmas in my own house.  Unfortunately both of our families are in different states so that is not feasible.

Pipsqueak got a bad cold/cough which is still lingering - the snot is finally clear though, yipee!  A few days there she was up for hours overnight hacking.  Her ped said it was viral and went ahead with all of her 12 month immunizations including the 2nd flu shot.  Her stats were good - weight was 21 lbs 7 oz I think, 2 months ago it was 20 lbs 14 oz.  I was concerned at first but I guess it is normal for weight to slow down or even decrease at age one.  She is still 50th percentile in weight and head and her height has gone to 70th percentile (30 in.).  Tall girl!

Her sleep habits SUCK right now.  When we stayed at my in-laws in December she was in a crib in our guest room - she is a light sleeper so every time we coughed or snored she would wake up crying and end up in bed with us - where she would sleep fitfully hooked to my nipple.  When we got home her cold and cough started and she was waking up covered in snot and coughing MULTIPLE times a night.  Now as her cold is wearing off she is waking 1-3 times a night crying - and nursing much to my chagrin.  Not that I mind the nursing I just know that feeding her in the night may make it harder to break the bad sleep habits.  SO I've decided tonight is the night.  My plan (devised from me and Pipsqueak's history and frantic middle of the night google searches of 'my toddler keeps waking up at night what do I do?') to retrain the princess is:

1. Naps aplenty today.  Well rested baby = better sleeping baby at night. A few days ago I tried out a one nap day and it backfired for 48 hours of fussiness.  I've learned my baby still needs 2-3 naps a day even if the afternoon one is quite short.  So far today she woke at 4:50am, napped 7-7:30am, and napped from 11:20am-still asleep now (an hour and 45 minutes in).

2. Bedtime as early as she wants it.  Usually she is ready to go down between 6-7.  Sometimes though she gives us the cues that she is ready for bed around 5 and we usually push her through until at least 6.  Again, overtired baby is not good.

3. Bedtime ritual can include nursing, rocking etc. but put baby into crib not fully asleep.  We usually do good with this one.

4. If when she wakes up in the middle of the night go comfort her by patting her butt, inserting the paci, making 'shhh' noises, but no light, no eye contact, no talking.  Leave the room when she settles (or at least partially settles) and close the door.  If when she begins wailing again wait 5 minutes to re-enter and attempt to calm her again.  Wait 10 minutes the next time, then 15 (GOD help me if it takes this many tries).  Continue until baby asleep/calm or baby reaches freak out/apocalypse mode.  Then rock baby but DO not offer breast (BE STRONG WOMAN!).

Oh I hope this works and that it only takes a night or two to get back my sleeps 11-12 hours a night child!!  Last night she went to bed at 6:30 (cried herself to sleep after I rocked her, nursed her and did everything in my power to soothe her - she kept screaming as soon as I put her in the crib.  I think she was over tired because she napped like shit yesterday- it only took like 8 minutes of light crying but it killed me).  She then was screaming at 11:30 and DH rocked her back to sleep, she woke at 3:30 and I nursed her back to sleep, then she was awake at 4:50 for the day.  NOT OKAY!!!!!  I really am used to getting up early so I can live with a 4:30/5am wake up but that's got to be after some straight sleep.

Man I didn't mean to have a post dedicated to sleep AGAIN but isn't funny how when you're exhausted that is all that matters?