Questions..

I swear I've asked most of these before but bear with me..I have a few random questions and a few random thoughts..

1. I have read about clomid increasing sperm counts and sometimes motility.  I have also read however that it does not necessarily improve pregnancy rates.  Why is this?  Any success stories with actual numbers?
2. Reasons for such a low sperm count in DH...physical exam was normal, testosterone slightly low, unsure if any other hormones were tested.  Genetic testing next...exactly what tests should be ordered?  How long do they take to get back? What do the results mean?
3. HOW THE HELL DOES ANYONE EVER AFFORD IVF?
4. ahem.  That last one should probably read, "How will we ever be able to afford it?".  Seriously?  Why is it so expensive?
5. I just read online about a new study showing taking extra antioxidants improves sperm count and function.  Anyone know anything about this?  There are about a million antioxidant supplements out there. 
6. Ummm I have just started to have an interest in adoption.  DH has a cousin or friend or someone he knows who had a bad experience and he has said from the beginning, "I just am not comfortable adopting."  Do you think that statement is open for discussion or should I just shut the fuck up for now and cross that bridge later if we need to?

DH just got back from a work trip today.  I haven't yet asked him if he has heard back from the urology dr for the genetic work-up.  Serisouly this is pissing me off.  Well 2 things are...that the dr can't make the time to write a stupid lab order and secondly that I feel guilty asking DH yet again if he has heard.  It is so not his fault that this dr is so busy...but whenever I ask him he feels that I am pressuring him.  I know he's stressed, I get that.  Work and phd stuff has been crazy lately. 

I am just so sick of all of this.  If the fates have decided that we are not meant to have children at all then I just want to know now. I don't want to keep googling things like, "adoption agencies" "ivf success rates" "genetic reasons for low sperm counts" "donor sperm psychological implications" "ivf financing" "antioxidant sperm production" "hormonal reasons for low sperm count". 

Limbo, how I've missed you

First off I am SOOO far behind on blogs.  I have only read sporadically...I am sorry.  I am rooting for all of you and nothing but happy when I read your good news. When I read bad news I feel awful.  Bad news sucks, it shouldn't exist and we should fucking abolish it.

We are sorta kinda in limbo again.  DH is having trouble getting the urologist on the phone..but our plan right now is to get genetic testing done, talk again with him about clomid/other meds that might possibly increase his counts, and keep talking donor. 

Well this sure reminds me of where we have been several times this last year. 

Love you all.  One of these days I'm gonna read through everyone's posts. 

Fml

Edited to add: I was very upset when I wrote this but I still want to post it. It was written on my blackberry and I debated whether or not to post it. Because I view this blog as a diary of sorts I want to remember these feelings. I think me and my husband will be okay, but things aren't better yet.

Written 1/1/11 8:04 am

I am mid flight right now from visiting family on the east coast for the new year.  My face is red, blotchy, my eyes are swollen, I have mascara all over my face, my nose is stopped up and I am getting sympathetic glances from a soldier in the next aisle.  Yep, I'm crying. I'm so frustrated right now that if I wasn't on a plane I'd go outside and yell "Fuck me" as loud as I possibly could.

Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me.

I seriously just hate this fucking bitch called hope.  And it's starting to make me resent the one person I thought I could count on because he is the one who keeps offering hope and then seemingly snatching it back.

He keeps telling me to be sympathetic, to be sensitive to his feelings.  But I'm not a fucking mind reader and I'm sick to fucking death of his changing his mind.

It all started when I told him today that we should narrow down our choices and decide on a donor in the next 1-2 weeks to ensure that everything is there on time and there are no problems.  Suddenly I'm "pressuring him" and being "stressful".

He says, "Maybe we'll try this month, maybe we won't" all casually.

Fuck fuck fuck.

See I thought when he said he was ready, he was ready.  EXCUSE me for not reading into that statement all sensitively and understandingly.  EXCUSE me for actually taking what he said at face value.

He asked me if any husbands in this situation that I've read about have ever had second thoughts. I said of course but not usually after they finally come to the decision...but that I'd read of one couple in which the husband actually changed his mind in the REs office right before the insemination.  He said he completely understands that because you never know how you'll feel until you're in that moment.  I am in no fucking way gonna do this and be wondering at the last minute if he's gonna back out.

I just can't stop crying and my face is chapped from the shitty airline napkins.

We are pretty much giving each other the silent treatment.

God I don't know what to do but I know I can't do this for much longer.

The best part?  He asked me how I'd feel if we are never able to have kids.  I said, "I'd  probably be okay but I would be sad for the rest of my life." He then said I should go back to counseling.  OOOOH I never thought of that.  Counseling! Of course! They will make it better.  I bet I won't want kids at all after talking to them!  What a genius fucking idea Einstein fuck face.

I wish to God this had never happened to us.  We are not any closer for it.  I am so filled with sorrow right now.  Hate is even sneaking in there.  I feel so awful.

I might take a break from blogging.  I'm at the end of my rope right now.