Wow....

So many BFPs, both bloggy and IRL!!!  Congrats ladies (and gentleman)!!!

I have friends coming into town this weekend and I couldn't be more excited...time for drinking too much beer, going to the pool, getting pedicures and laughing. 

I hope you all have great weekends!

ICLW

Hello!  Quick recap and update on my crazy thoughts :)

We have been ttc for a year and a half.  Luckily we got a diagnosis within a week of our first RE visit; unfortunately it was severe oligospermia.  Our only chances for pregnancy are IVF with ICSI or dIUI.  We are in the planning/talking/brooding/crying/saving mode now...we flip back and forth regularly as to what path to take...my thought is if we don't know then it is not responsible to move forward.  When we go through with some form of ART I want us to be 100% invested and confident that we are making the choice that makes sense for us. Our timeline is the thing that gets us down...my DH is working on his phd and working a stressful corporate job so we are probably not moving forward with any route until next summer.

So here is what is new...these last 2 weeks I have been happy.  I mean like really happy - smiling and laughing with coworkers, giggling with my best friend at a bar over silly things, enjoying time with my husband, and most shocking - once again smiling and making faces at babies and kids.  This is huge for me...the last few months I avoided eye contact with infants like the plague. 

What has changed?  Well I think just time has helped me heal, the grief process and what not.  But also?  I think I have finally allowed myself to imagine my life without children.  I was too grief stricken before to even go there.  Don't get me wrong, I still want kids.  I still plan on trying to have kids.  And I know that if I don't have any that a part of me will miss that for my entire life. BUT I think I could be happy with just me and my husband making up our family.  I NEVER thought that I would accept that.  So that's huge :)

email

I think email is very helpful in resolving fights.  This is a snippet of an email I sent the hubs today...

Last night sucked but I think we needed to get those feelings out in the open.  I hope we both understand a little better what the other is going through...please talk to me anytime something comes up with you, and I want to know I can come to you without you telling me I need to see someone or stop being so obsessive.

I love you more than anything baby.  We are a team so we need to start acting like one instead of tearing each other down.

It is sometimes easier for me to think clearly by myself, communicating one on one is hard for me because I detest confrontation.

Official couples counseling appt made for October.  This counselor has experience in infertility and donor issues.  Here goes nothing.

He doesn't get it

The last few weeks we haven't been talking about how to get pregnant.  We've both been busy with work, school (DH is working on his dissertation), yard work, housework, etc., etc., etc.  BUT it is always in the back of my mind.  I feel much more calm than I did those first few weeks after we got our diagnosis...those days were BAD.  I cried every day - at home, at work, in the car, at the market.  Not all day, but at some point every day.  I'm past that now, I'm going through the grieving process I think...slowly but surely.

Last night I decided I needed to talk about everything, to touch base and see where we are at.  DH was open to talking, or at least it seemed like that at first.  I asked if he had gotten the results back from his repeat testosterone lab draw last week (he hadn't).  I told him that I am researching counselors for us to see - we have to get a psychiatric "okay" before proceeding with donor sperm - and he is open to that.  I told him that I have done some thinking, and I think we should proceed with genetic testing of him sometime soon - if something comes back that would prevent us from wanting to go forward with IVF then it makes sense to find that out soon...it would make our decision for us.

Well, the talk didn't go as planned.  At one point I teared up and started crying.  He waved his hands in front of him in a dismissive manner and said, "You really need to see someone".  Wow.  Thanks hon'.

Throughout the next 2 hours he yelled, I cried, I raised my voice, I left the room.  It was bad.  He said "You're obsessed".  That hurt.  I am NOT obsessed.  I told him that I think one of the reasons that I was getting upset so easily that day was the news of one of my best friend's pregnancies.  He said, "I just don't understand you. If one of my good friends was pregnant I would just be happy for them, it wouldn't make me sad that we weren't pregnant.  You've got to get over being sad every time you see a baby, or see a pregnant woman, you can't live like this."  His advice was that I should just imagine everyone pregnant and get over that now so that way when it happens I won't be sad.

You know I wish I was a robot that could program myself that way but I'm not.

I am so jealous of those couples that say infertility has brought them closer together.  I have never felt farther away from my husband.  The way he is reacting is teaching me not to cry in front of him, not to show him my sadness, and not to initiate conversations about this.  THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!

He said that he is surprised that he is not more upset about all of this.  I completely agree.  We came to the conclusion that he must not have processed everything fully yet.  SO I am not bringing anything up until he does.  I think I am learning that he needs to come to terms with all of this shit in his own time and in his own way.  It's just so fucking hard.

I will ALWAYS have a tinge of sadness in my heart when I hear a pregnancy announcement, or see a newborn baby, or notice a baby bump.  I think that's normal...not obsessive or the thoughts of someone who needs help.  Hearing my friend's announcement didn't send me to my room in tears, or cause me to sink into a deep depression, it just hurt a little.

Does it matter?

We have always wanted 3 or 4 kids.  Our desire for a large family has not changed since getting our infertility diagnosis...but it has made us a wee bit more practical.  We cannot afford 4 IVF cycles in the next 8 years..well, except for 3 cycle plus plans but that is for one baby, so I guess I mean we cannot afford 4 successful IVF attempts.

SO we have been talking about pursuing 1-2 pregnancies by doing dIUI, 1-2 pregnancies by doing IVF with ICSI.  Is this insane?  Will DH subconsciously favor his genetic children?  Will any donor children we have sense a small inkling of detachment from their father?  DH swears this wouldn't happen.  BUT how can he know?  Just the fact that he says that he we could "do donor now then do IVF later", doesn't that show that although he is open to using donor sperm that he ultimately wants his 'own' child?  And is that so wrong?  Are we crazy to use donor when there are other options?  Should we just wait a year and then try IVF and keep donor as a backup option?  Or is it crazy to wait? We could do a dIUI attempt in the next couple of months.

I am leaning toward trying dIUI soon...I know it is the crazy infertile inside of me but the idea of waiting 11-13 months makes me crazy!  Every month my eggs are abandoning ship!  Although I am still relatively young, if we wait a year I will jump from 29 to 30.  That year difference probably won't affect our chances for our first pregnancy attempt (well actually our millionth but our first attempt that has a fucking chance of working) but that pushes every subsequent pregnancy attempt back a year.  That could ultimately reduce our family size.  AUGH!!!

On the other hand if we wait a year and try IVF we can delay or possibly completely avoid using donor gametes.  Maybe we will get incredibly lucky and get pregnant with twins on our first IVF attempt??  OR we could spend a year exhausting the entire 3 cycle plus option (3 fresh, 3 frozen if applicable) and STILL not have a baby.  We would get about 70% of our money back and would most likely then progress to dIUI.  TWO years from now.  Then I'd be 32.

I NEED A CRYSTAL BALL!!!

ALSO I know that these are all just ideas...we both keep assuming that because I have thus far checked out okay that I will be able to get pregnant with IUIs.  That's naive.  We could be spectacularly unsuccessful.  THAT WOULD BE A SHOCKER!

Okay, deep breath.

This "thinking things out and coming to terms with our emotions" isn't really going very well.  I want a plan.  I NEED a plan.  Hopefully we will have one soon.  Perhaps you fellow Stirrup Queens can help me? ANY advice is welcome, except the 'just relax' one, I have that one covered.

Thanks in advance.  I understand that no one can make this decision but DH and me...but we need help.

All Clear

Just got home from the HSG...all clear!  Woohoo!

I really expected it to be an easy procedure...I innocently thought that every horror story I had read on the internet was blown out of proportion, that it would be an "ouch" and then over.  I now know what everyone was talking about, it's an OUCH!  Now the pain only lasted 2-3 minuted total but OH.MY.GOD.  Tears were rolling down my face.  Thank God DH was there with me, I think I broke his hand.  Dr Alan was great too.  Afterwards he apologized for it hurting so much but told me that my tubes looked great.  We briefly spoke about our struggle of pursuing IVF vs dIUI.  He said that obviously we have a lot to talk about, but we would be great candidates for either.

SO...now we are going to do some soul searching over the next month or so, then come up with a game plan.