This is how I feel...

"You can spend a year at sea waiting, but one day it becomes impossible to endure even another hour."

         -The Story of a Shipwrecked Sailor,

           Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Negative

for HIV, all the hepatitises, chlamydia, ghonorrea (sic), and like a billion other diseases.

Also I have resistance to German measles.  Woohoo!

I talked to the nurse briefly today about what to expect.  It all sounded normal...she said Dr Alan usually only does one insem per cycle, uses clomid to stimulate, estradiol to thicken lining.  The only thing I was unsure of is she said day 12 you come in for an ultrasound and if you're ready you get the shot in the office and come back the next day for insem.  I thought 36 hours was the average time?  Esp with donor sperm, it only lives 12-24 hours unlike fresh super sperm that survives 24-72 hours or something.  I stressed that I am in the medical field so giving shots at home would be no big deal.  So we'll see, I guess I am no RE but damn I am a DR GOOGLE!

Funniest thing that happened so far this month?  My period was 4 days late.  AND (WARNING TMI AHEAD!!!!) there had been no deposit made in the particular place that deposits need to be made in order for babies to be made.  And NO, not that dirty orifice, the other one, the one that is very clean, usually.

BUT STILL!  My period is almost never late!  I got myself worked up that I was accidentally pregnant with a 3 month old miracle fetus and the last couple of months were just spotting.  Because that would totally make sense what with all of the weight gain, crankiness, tears and bloating.  Of course!  So I ACTUALLY TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST.  I can at least say that I didn't buy one, back when we were ttc like rabbits I bought a million of them from babyhopes.com.  I am a POAS addict.  I thought I had kicked this particular habit but my brain was all like, "No, no, no".

Negative obviously.  The one comfort I have is that I have never had an evaporation line.  These tests are always like the great white abyss of despair.  I giggled when I saw the negative this time.  Back then I would have killed to see an evap line just for the fleeting hope.

So, yay!  And actually my cycle having been late is going to make the iui process in January soooo much better.  Otherwise I was going to be out of town while on clomid for the first time and I am such a baby about meds that I have been all worried about the side effects.

Happy holidays everyone!!!!!

stalking

I have been totally stalking the shit out of practically all of the online fertility forums.  I have read countless success and failure stories of IUIs both donor and non.  I'm sure any of my fertile family and friends would think this is obsessive and unhealthy but I think it is has had quite the opposite effect.  I feel much more hopeful! 

I do wonder how anyone goes through any sort of infertility treatment without the education of blog/forum stalking?  I feel like I know so much more than I ever could have learned from my doctor or out of any book.

Next week DH and I both have our blood work scheduled, Jan 1 I will be ordering the samples, and sometime late January my first dIUI cycle will start.

I'm ready!

Cautiously optimistic

I have been frequenting several IF boards, reading countless blogs, and googling donor sperm iui over and over.  I am getting so excited!

I work all weekend so DH is going to look over the print-outs of my favorite donors this weekend so we can discuss them soon.  My thought is we should pick our 'top 3' so we have options.  We probably won't be ordering until January so this gives us back-up in case our favorite is sold-out or something.  I am trying to think of any and all things that can go wrong so I can be prepared, at least mentally.

Things we need to do:

1. Get our blood work done.  We just go the orders in the mail from Dr Alan so we need to get this done in the next couple of weeks.
2. Fill out California Cryobank's paperwork (we must sign something and Dr Alan must sign something and send it in)
3. Trim our favorite donors down to 3.
4. Order 3-4 vials! (Dr Alan's office has storage so this can be done weeks before the IUI, but not before Jan 1 due to FSA usage)
5. Call Dr Alan's office when January AF starts (should be around Jan 12) to get meds and get tentative IUI schedule!

I am feeling so good now that we have a plan.  I have more questions for Dr Alan's office but I hate calling them constantly...I am going to list them here so I can reference this post next time I have them on the phone...

1. I know I will be using clomid and estradiol...is there a trigger shot I will be using?  What is it?
2. How many ultrasounds can I expect?
3. Do you recommend 1 or 2 IUIs/cycle when using donor sperm?

I think that's it.  Anyone have any other questions I should be asking?

Have a great weekend!

hee hee

DH and I had a great day watching football (GO CHIEFS!!!).  This evening I said, so sometime this week can we look through the donors I have found?  He replied, "Let's do it tonight!".  I was really excited, then about 15 minutes later he fell asleep on the couch.  It kinda makes me laugh...and is infuriating.

I am going to call Dr Alan this week to order our blood work so we can get it done this week or next.  I need to talk to the office to see if a January attempt is feasible.   CD1 that month should be about Jan 12...I am going out of town Jan 14-17.  I have read about baseline ultrasounds being in the first few days of a cycle?  God there is so much I don't know!

So basically my preparation has been to obsessively read blogs about iuis....anyone know of a good one that is in depth about an iui with clomid cycle (donor or not)? Sometimes it feels like a blogger will skim over the appts, ultrasounds, meds, etc...maybe bc clomid and iuis aren't very fancy in the scheme of things.

I personally have things narrowed down to 6 different donors..3 criteria they must meet - Rh positive blood, CMV negative, and fair skin (DH and I are both practically albino :).  Other than that I based it on reading their profiles and trying to get an 'idea' about their personality.  Probably bullshit but whatever.

Have a great week everyone!

Just when I thought I wasn't going to cry all week...

I see this video on a fellow infertile's blog.  I held it together until the end and then sobbed.  Kinda cathartic actually...so if you need a good cry watch it.  If you are already feeling fragile today then skip it!

Thoughts from a drunk friend...

So... this weekend I was having a few drinks with my best friend.  I had told her earlier in the day about our plans for using donor sperm.  She had seemed very supportive of it at the time but evidently it took some booze to loosen her lips and allow her to air her concerns. Here they were:

-Won't it be too weird to be pregnant with another man's child?
-Will DH feel like it's not his baby?
-Isn't it weird to have some other guy's sperm inside of you?
-It just seems freaky, you know what I mean?

I am not mad at her for sharing, she didn't say anything that I hadn't thought at one time....BUT it got me to thinking about the reaction everyone else in my life will have.  Is my mom secretly thinking ths too?  Are DH's parents?  IS DH?

After thinking it about it for the last few days I decided it didn't really matter.  This is me and DH's decision, not anyone else's.  Also I am not going to waste my time second guessing my husband...if he came to me and told me this is what he wants and that he is ready then he must be.  He is not one to make rash decisions.  I am sure that, like me, he knows there are always other options and alternatives, how can we ever be 100% sure a decision is the right one?

I remember when using donor sperm first came up.  From that first second I knew deep down that even if a child is not related genetically to both of us it is OURS.  He or she would not exist if it hadn't been for us meeting, falling in love and deciding to share our lives with a child.  That makes that child OURS.

Out of nowhere

Last evening DH was working from home and I was half vegging in front of the tv/half doing laundry.  He comes up behind me and says, "So I think I'm ready to move forward with this donor stuff".  Since we had already pretty much agreed on this I just kinda said, "yeah I know".  But by the look on his face I knew he meant more by it.  He said, "No I mean let's do it sooner, like maybe January."  Wow!  Before this he was all about completely finishing his doctorate before we move forward.  I really don't know what it is that made him change his mind, we haven't even talked about it in awhile.  Our counseling appointments were over a few weeks ago too so I don't think that's it.  Maybe he just suddenly wants a kid as soon as possible like I do!

UMM so wow!  I need to call the RE's office to find out what freaking sperm bank they use, and what other stuff I need to know!  Also I have to call the counselor's office to have her fax a letter to my RE saying we have talked through using a donor.

February is actually more realistic because I have a huge certification test mid January and a trip planned...but I am so excited that we will probably try in February! Also March, April and May are pretty wide open for trying!   June and July are busy with different weddings and travel so that was worrying me because before that was probably when we were going to start trying.  Now I will hopefully be pregnant by then and if I'm not I imagine after 4 months of trying a 2 month break would be welcome.

Oh I am sooo stoked! I am off to make phone calls now.  YAY!

2012

That is the earliest I could possibly have a baby.  I just realized this last night when we were trying to estimate how much money to put aside into our FSA account (we decided on max so we can use it to pay for donor sperm and IUIs).  I said in passing, "Well we won't have to worry about the cost of childbirth until at least 2012". Very flippantly, like I was above being upset over IF.  But I'm NOT.  We started trying in 2009!  It is so unbelievably unfair!

It's the way I felt when I was single and yearned to be married (or at least have a boyfriend).  I was ok being single, I just wanted reassurance that someone was out there for me at some point in my life.  That's what I need now...just to know that it will happen someday.

How do you choose?

SO....yet another post in which I write that we "probably are going to be moving ahead with dIUI".

Has anyone nominated me for a Pulitzer yet?

But I digress.

DH and I have been communicating more recently.  I think this is partly due to the counseling sessions and partly due to the passage of time...infertility is no longer a hemorrhaging open wound, it is now a large scabbed area that only bleeds when I pick at it (or when stupid fertile people pick and pick and pick at it).  We are both in agreement that dIUI still makes the most sense.  When?  We are still not sure, depends on the success of DH's doctoral thesis.  BUT I just realized there is something so obvious that I can obsess over in the meantime. DONOR PROFILES!  OMG!  AM I AN IDIOT?  SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!

Sorry for the caps, I know it is still early but I shot out of bed like a rocket when I realized this this morning.

Now, I have perused a few profiles before...back when we were first diagnosed with mfi.  I was kind of like a blog lurker...just there for information and drama, not for anything I would actually need in my life.  Now it might actually be relevant!  Like my baby daddy genetic info!  For realz!

Umm, those last few lines are now kind of scaring me so just disregard.  It is just so exciting to think that there will come a month (Feb at the earliest, July/August at the latest) in which I could actually get knocked up!  For all the trying and different positions, and preseed, and ovulation sticks, and fertility microscopes (please don't buy this it was a joke), and BD when the inlaws were in the next room, and not drinking (gasp!) during the 2ww, and obsessively tracking every cramp...all of those months were for naught!!!!!  It was not to be and almost impossible for us to have succeeded.  When we move forward with dIUI I know the very first month I have like a 30% chance of getting KU (is that right?  I think I read that somewhere).  VERY COOL.  I have been out of the actively ttc circle for so long now that charting cycles seems so awesome.  To be doing ANYTHING seems amazing.

So now to the meat and potatoes of this post....to all of you that have used donor sperm or donor eggs....How do you choose a donor?  Try to find physical characteristics close to your spouse?  Personality traits?  Career/education? A donor that looks like you so no one tries to make the kid out to look like your spouse?

Also, what sperm bank do you use?  Does the RE's office tell you?  How many vials should you buy?

AHHHHH!

Please help.  xoxo

My nieces...

are the most amazing girls ever.  Seriously!  I was able to spend some time with them this weekend and it was wonderful.  Spending a lot of time with an 18 month old did seem to mess with my hormones or something...I cried during our flight home.  DH kept asking what was wrong and I couldn't vocalize what it was...until I realized it was baby hunger. 

I went to counseilng again.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling! 

I hope everyone is having a good week!  I'm excited for the new season of 16 and Pregnant starting tonight :)

Counseling

Our first counseling appt was great!  It felt good to be in a neutral 'safe' place and be able to talk through some things. 

Tentative plan? Once again we are leaning towards dIUI for our first attempt.  Hubby feels good about it, I feel good about it, our finances feel good about it, our family feels good about it (although I have some doubts about the in-laws, mostly his mom) so it seems a go!  We are still planning on waiting for DH's damn doctorate to be done which will be this April.

I'm excited!  I hope this stays firmly in place as the plan for awhile...I can't take much more wavering around!

It's been awhile

I haven't posted forever...which is a good thing really.  It means I haven't felt the need to vent or get support...I suppose that's a sign of health!  BUT I missed writing and reading what's going on with everyone. Here's what's new with me:

• Went to Vegas with the hubby.  Had a BLAST!!!
• I have been working my tail off doing overtime....yuck.
• Lost and then gained back 7 pounds (see the Vegas trip:)
• Realized my husband has no idea what IVF entails:

While in Vegas I had a moment of sadness...for some reason there were babies EVERYWHERE and it got me thinking.  I said, "Wouldn't it be so cool if a year from now we are pregnant?".  He looked at me with a seriously inquisitive face and said, "There is no reason why we won't be".  Ummmm.  I have lots of reasons!  We don't have enough sperm to work with.  We don't have enough money for IVF.  IVF won't necessarily work.  We might be to scared to use donor sperm.  We have shitty luck and it is seriously hard to imagine something going our way for once.

But I digress.

The great thing about his statement is it made me sad/angry/horrified for about 30 seconds.  Then I laughed. Hard.  I mean, how insanely ridiculous???  This is obviously a sign that before IVF he needs some major EDUCATION.  Jeesh.

Tomorrow we are going in for a couples counseling session.  I am kinda looking forward to it.  I am curious to know what emotional obstacles there are to overcome if we go the donor sperm route...because quite frankly that remains to be the option that I think is most feasible for our situation right now.

I am going to try to catch up on all of your fabulous blogs over the weekend...I hope I read only good news!!!

I'm turning in my never been tagged Vcard...

I am really excited...kinda feel like I am a 'real' blogger now :)
Thanks Lauren at Lauren vs The World!!!

1) What is your favorite dessert item?
Pie.  Any kind of pie...but especially pumpkin, blueberry, apple and blackberry.  I prefer pastry items over chocolate any day!


2) What is the craziest thing you've ever done? (Non-baby related)
I'm not proud of this, but a group of us were out drinking and ended up meeting some guys.  We ended up at a strip club in a horrible part of St. Louis and were stranded. We ended up begging for cash to pay for the $80 cab ride back into town.  I miss college, don't you?

3) Do you have any pets? If yes, describe. If no, why not?
Yes!  We have one orange tabby cat.  He is wild...3 years old and still acts like he is a kitten.  


4) Did you ever meet your grandparents?
Yes but they all died when I was a small child.


5) Tell us your favorite joke.
Where does a one legged woman work?
I HOP.



6) How will you be celebrating Halloween this year?
We have some friends coming into town and plan on causing some trouble :)



7) Can you speak any languages other than English?
No. I totally regret taking German in high school because I don't remember any of it.  I know a few French phrases from a trip we took to Paris a few years ago.  I would love to be able to speak it fluently.



8) Unicorns. Lame or awesome?
Somewhere in between.  


So...I tag...


Stephanie at The Life of a Husband and Wife
Jenni at Hope Springs Eternal
Oak at The Elusive Embryo

1) If you could go back in time and choose a different career path what would you choose?

2) If it was possible to know what would be going on in your life 5 years from now would you want to know?  Or would you want to be surprised?

3) What character from a book, movie or tv show is most like you?

4) What's your family's best holiday tradition?

Relaxing Sunday...

I love Sundays, don't you?  Caught up on laundry, lasagna in the crockpot, dishes done, clean sheets on the bed...now to relax with my DVR list.  Heaven!

I've mentioned how I work with several pregnant women (7 actually!).  One of them has had a miscarriage, other than that I believed that the others were super fertile.  Well I was wrong!  A woman I don't know very well but have worked with for a few years came up to me yesterday and asked me if I would like her copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility".  I was taken aback!  I had heard that she had gotten pregnant 'by accident'.  She went on to tell me that she had 3 miscarriages and was SURE that she would never have a baby.  I was really touched that she thought of me...and it really made me want to stop hating most pregnant women I see.  I guess it's not always obvious when a pregnant woman is actually an infertile in hiding.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!  Is anyone else as excited for Fall as I am?

Clomid for men?

We got a letter in the mail today from Dr P (that is so not an original nickname for a urologist is it?) that was kind of a summary of where we are.  We FINALLY got DH's exact second SA and testosterone results from late April:

1.7 cc total
5.2 million per cc
Motility 20%
3% shaped normally.

Now this to me seems to me like a marked improvement over his first SA 4 weeks prior to that -

1.5 cc total
4 million per cc
Motility 10%
0% shaped normally.

Also his testosterone went from around 180 up to 285 (I think anything above 300 is normal).

SO...what now?

Dr P says that we could try putting DH on clomid for 3 months and then retesting...I guess it is known to sometimes improve SA numbers...BUT research doesn't prove why.  So putting my husband on a medicine that causes mood swings (god help me if his moods become any more unstable) and hot flashes to possibly improve numbers in some unknown way?  Is this wise?

Does anyone have any information or experience in this matter?  And are these numbers really so awful that I can't hope for a surprise pregnancy some time?  Or at least to hope to get things good enough for iui and avoid the expense and toil of IVF?

Unbelievable

A fellow blogger just had one of the worst things ever happen.  Go give her some support - One Day.

Good old days...

Last weekend was such a blast!  Got way too drunk for 48 hours straight, got sunburnt, and my abs literally ached by Sunday from laughing so hard.  High school friends are the best!  I felt 17 again!

One of the girls is 18 weeks pregnant, she did a lot of drinking juice and seemed to have a fun time too...obviously I am ridiculously jealous, so jealous I could scream.  She was on the pill when she conceived, hadn't even missed a pill.  Her baby bump was so cute too!  

No real news on our front...except DH's doctoral studies may come to a close sooner than we think...which is a total bummer for him because he has worked so hard but maybe it's meant to be...with work and personal stuff it has all been a lot to handle.  SO maybe we won't have to wait until next summer to try.  If that happens then my blog will turn back into that fascinating roller coaster of dIUI vs IVF.  Stay tuned!  I know you are all on the edge of your seat :)

Wow....

So many BFPs, both bloggy and IRL!!!  Congrats ladies (and gentleman)!!!

I have friends coming into town this weekend and I couldn't be more excited...time for drinking too much beer, going to the pool, getting pedicures and laughing. 

I hope you all have great weekends!

ICLW

Hello!  Quick recap and update on my crazy thoughts :)

We have been ttc for a year and a half.  Luckily we got a diagnosis within a week of our first RE visit; unfortunately it was severe oligospermia.  Our only chances for pregnancy are IVF with ICSI or dIUI.  We are in the planning/talking/brooding/crying/saving mode now...we flip back and forth regularly as to what path to take...my thought is if we don't know then it is not responsible to move forward.  When we go through with some form of ART I want us to be 100% invested and confident that we are making the choice that makes sense for us. Our timeline is the thing that gets us down...my DH is working on his phd and working a stressful corporate job so we are probably not moving forward with any route until next summer.

So here is what is new...these last 2 weeks I have been happy.  I mean like really happy - smiling and laughing with coworkers, giggling with my best friend at a bar over silly things, enjoying time with my husband, and most shocking - once again smiling and making faces at babies and kids.  This is huge for me...the last few months I avoided eye contact with infants like the plague. 

What has changed?  Well I think just time has helped me heal, the grief process and what not.  But also?  I think I have finally allowed myself to imagine my life without children.  I was too grief stricken before to even go there.  Don't get me wrong, I still want kids.  I still plan on trying to have kids.  And I know that if I don't have any that a part of me will miss that for my entire life. BUT I think I could be happy with just me and my husband making up our family.  I NEVER thought that I would accept that.  So that's huge :)

email

I think email is very helpful in resolving fights.  This is a snippet of an email I sent the hubs today...

Last night sucked but I think we needed to get those feelings out in the open.  I hope we both understand a little better what the other is going through...please talk to me anytime something comes up with you, and I want to know I can come to you without you telling me I need to see someone or stop being so obsessive.

I love you more than anything baby.  We are a team so we need to start acting like one instead of tearing each other down.

It is sometimes easier for me to think clearly by myself, communicating one on one is hard for me because I detest confrontation.

Official couples counseling appt made for October.  This counselor has experience in infertility and donor issues.  Here goes nothing.

He doesn't get it

The last few weeks we haven't been talking about how to get pregnant.  We've both been busy with work, school (DH is working on his dissertation), yard work, housework, etc., etc., etc.  BUT it is always in the back of my mind.  I feel much more calm than I did those first few weeks after we got our diagnosis...those days were BAD.  I cried every day - at home, at work, in the car, at the market.  Not all day, but at some point every day.  I'm past that now, I'm going through the grieving process I think...slowly but surely.

Last night I decided I needed to talk about everything, to touch base and see where we are at.  DH was open to talking, or at least it seemed like that at first.  I asked if he had gotten the results back from his repeat testosterone lab draw last week (he hadn't).  I told him that I am researching counselors for us to see - we have to get a psychiatric "okay" before proceeding with donor sperm - and he is open to that.  I told him that I have done some thinking, and I think we should proceed with genetic testing of him sometime soon - if something comes back that would prevent us from wanting to go forward with IVF then it makes sense to find that out soon...it would make our decision for us.

Well, the talk didn't go as planned.  At one point I teared up and started crying.  He waved his hands in front of him in a dismissive manner and said, "You really need to see someone".  Wow.  Thanks hon'.

Throughout the next 2 hours he yelled, I cried, I raised my voice, I left the room.  It was bad.  He said "You're obsessed".  That hurt.  I am NOT obsessed.  I told him that I think one of the reasons that I was getting upset so easily that day was the news of one of my best friend's pregnancies.  He said, "I just don't understand you. If one of my good friends was pregnant I would just be happy for them, it wouldn't make me sad that we weren't pregnant.  You've got to get over being sad every time you see a baby, or see a pregnant woman, you can't live like this."  His advice was that I should just imagine everyone pregnant and get over that now so that way when it happens I won't be sad.

You know I wish I was a robot that could program myself that way but I'm not.

I am so jealous of those couples that say infertility has brought them closer together.  I have never felt farther away from my husband.  The way he is reacting is teaching me not to cry in front of him, not to show him my sadness, and not to initiate conversations about this.  THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!

He said that he is surprised that he is not more upset about all of this.  I completely agree.  We came to the conclusion that he must not have processed everything fully yet.  SO I am not bringing anything up until he does.  I think I am learning that he needs to come to terms with all of this shit in his own time and in his own way.  It's just so fucking hard.

I will ALWAYS have a tinge of sadness in my heart when I hear a pregnancy announcement, or see a newborn baby, or notice a baby bump.  I think that's normal...not obsessive or the thoughts of someone who needs help.  Hearing my friend's announcement didn't send me to my room in tears, or cause me to sink into a deep depression, it just hurt a little.

Does it matter?

We have always wanted 3 or 4 kids.  Our desire for a large family has not changed since getting our infertility diagnosis...but it has made us a wee bit more practical.  We cannot afford 4 IVF cycles in the next 8 years..well, except for 3 cycle plus plans but that is for one baby, so I guess I mean we cannot afford 4 successful IVF attempts.

SO we have been talking about pursuing 1-2 pregnancies by doing dIUI, 1-2 pregnancies by doing IVF with ICSI.  Is this insane?  Will DH subconsciously favor his genetic children?  Will any donor children we have sense a small inkling of detachment from their father?  DH swears this wouldn't happen.  BUT how can he know?  Just the fact that he says that he we could "do donor now then do IVF later", doesn't that show that although he is open to using donor sperm that he ultimately wants his 'own' child?  And is that so wrong?  Are we crazy to use donor when there are other options?  Should we just wait a year and then try IVF and keep donor as a backup option?  Or is it crazy to wait? We could do a dIUI attempt in the next couple of months.

I am leaning toward trying dIUI soon...I know it is the crazy infertile inside of me but the idea of waiting 11-13 months makes me crazy!  Every month my eggs are abandoning ship!  Although I am still relatively young, if we wait a year I will jump from 29 to 30.  That year difference probably won't affect our chances for our first pregnancy attempt (well actually our millionth but our first attempt that has a fucking chance of working) but that pushes every subsequent pregnancy attempt back a year.  That could ultimately reduce our family size.  AUGH!!!

On the other hand if we wait a year and try IVF we can delay or possibly completely avoid using donor gametes.  Maybe we will get incredibly lucky and get pregnant with twins on our first IVF attempt??  OR we could spend a year exhausting the entire 3 cycle plus option (3 fresh, 3 frozen if applicable) and STILL not have a baby.  We would get about 70% of our money back and would most likely then progress to dIUI.  TWO years from now.  Then I'd be 32.

I NEED A CRYSTAL BALL!!!

ALSO I know that these are all just ideas...we both keep assuming that because I have thus far checked out okay that I will be able to get pregnant with IUIs.  That's naive.  We could be spectacularly unsuccessful.  THAT WOULD BE A SHOCKER!

Okay, deep breath.

This "thinking things out and coming to terms with our emotions" isn't really going very well.  I want a plan.  I NEED a plan.  Hopefully we will have one soon.  Perhaps you fellow Stirrup Queens can help me? ANY advice is welcome, except the 'just relax' one, I have that one covered.

Thanks in advance.  I understand that no one can make this decision but DH and me...but we need help.

All Clear

Just got home from the HSG...all clear!  Woohoo!

I really expected it to be an easy procedure...I innocently thought that every horror story I had read on the internet was blown out of proportion, that it would be an "ouch" and then over.  I now know what everyone was talking about, it's an OUCH!  Now the pain only lasted 2-3 minuted total but OH.MY.GOD.  Tears were rolling down my face.  Thank God DH was there with me, I think I broke his hand.  Dr Alan was great too.  Afterwards he apologized for it hurting so much but told me that my tubes looked great.  We briefly spoke about our struggle of pursuing IVF vs dIUI.  He said that obviously we have a lot to talk about, but we would be great candidates for either.

SO...now we are going to do some soul searching over the next month or so, then come up with a game plan.

The insensitivity of people astounds me!

I am mostly out of the infertility closet at work...most people know we are having trouble, a handful know it is due to low sperm issues.  If I could do it over again I would never have told anyone when we started ttc, but naive me, I thought there was no reason to think it wouldn't happen right away.  There are a few women who have been great....they had infertility issues themselves and are always there with kind words, a shoulder to lean on or just to listen to me vent expletives.  Then there are a couple of uber-fertile women who are also amazingly supportive...willing to help me get days off for Dr visits, sensitive about keeping the pregnancy/baby/child talk to a minimum around me, etc.  And then there are the OTHER women.  I like to call them the BITCHES in my head, but really I don't think they are mean spirited, just ignorant as a baboon's ass.  These are the women that upon hearing me talk instantly say, "You can have my kids!".  Oh really?  Well I will be over in an hour.  Make sure to pack precious Jayden's jammies because we keep the air conditioning on high at my house!  I mean seriously!!!!!  Telling me I can have your kids is about the most ridiculous, least helpful comment you can make.

Yesterday one  bitch even had the AUDACITY to tell me, "I swear if you just relax you will be pregnant in a few months."  I replied, "Yeah I don't think that is going to help.".  She didn't give up, she kept hounding me for the next 5 minutes, telling me about her friend who was told she couldn't have a baby and ended up having 5 without any assistance.  By this point I have tears in my eyes, my limbs are shaking, and my heart is pounding.  Finally when I think she is done she says, "Whatever, I just really think you need to relax a little.". I couldn't take it, I yelled, "ME RELAXING ISN'T GOING TO MAKE MY HUSBAND MAKE MORE SPERM!".  Umm, yeah.  In front of several coworkers, customers, and a random man that was walking by who looked terrified.

I joked with my best friend the other day that I am now "that" girl, the one whom my coworkers think of as possibly mentally unstable, the one whose husband is no longer surprised to find me alone in a room crying, the one who feels perfectly happy one minute and completely devastated and hopeless the next.  But I don't think it is a joke, I am that girl.  Maybe I should just shave my hair like Britney did and get it over with?

Waiting, waiting

My HSG is in a couple of weeks, and providing that I am "all clear" then we are pretty confident that we will be moving on to a dIUI cycle sometime this fall.  We've discussed it with our close friends and families and everyone has been really supportive.  I think a few of them are wondering why we wouldn't just go straight for IVF since the docs seem to think we would have a reasonable success rate.  And that's a good question!  We had a brief period where we kinda seesawed between IVF/dIUI and had lots of doubts, now we are pretty sure.  Obviously money is a big factor-we can afford IUI NOW but would have to save for 6-12 months for an IVF cycle.  But there is also the probable genetic component and physical and emotional stress of IVF.

Well time to go watch the season 2 premiere of Teen Mom (yes I watch it, actually I LOVE it).  I hope everyone has a wonderful week.  POSITIVE THOUGHTS FOR ALL!!!!

Well hello there...

Hi!  I'm new to blogging but so not new to lurking on other people's blogs.  Ever since it became apparent that pregnancy wasn't going to happen easily I went where every woman goes to research...Google.  I am obsessed with googling things.  When we first started ttc I googled things like, "early pregnancy symptoms", "how often should we have to sex to get pregnant?", "is alcohol intake harmful before implantation?" (this one was done a few times the last few months we were trying naturally..I got really sick of not drinking 50% of the time).  Luckily google directed me to an infertility blog.  Now I am a blog addict.  It seems like everyone around me gets pregnant super easily, it was a relief to find out I am not alone.

We are now trying to decide between using donor sperm for an IUI or saving up money for an IVF attempt.  Dr P is concerned that DH may have a genetic variant that is causing his low sperm count and low testosterone so that is making us lead toward donor.  In the next couple of months we plan on getting DH's labs repeated including a genetic work up,  I will have an HSG and saving money!!  Also I have implemented a healthy lifestyle...I have quit drinking alcohol, quit drinking diet sodas, and am trying to lose weight through calorie counting and exercise.

Thanks for reading!