It's over

Beta came down to 4.  All day I was praying it was either super high or super low...I got one of my wishes.

The nurse practitioner that called me said it was absolutely nothing I did, it was most likely a genetic defect in the embryo and was doomed from the start.

She said the dr wants to sit down and talk to us about what went wrong.  I told her we can't afford to try again so it doesn't really matter what went wrong.  I almost got through this without crying.

I am pissed off that the Dr himself didn't call me.  After all money, shots, blood draws and conflicting reports from the embryologist I think I deserved at least that.

So I am on beer 5.  Adios IVF, thank you for my daughter, but right now fuck you.

9dp5dt

My bleeding continues.  All of the symptoms I had are gone - nausea, sore boobs, feverish feeling.  My hpt was lighter this morning than the last few days.  Is it ok that I was relieved the stick wasn't darker?  I am just ready for this to be over.  I feel like my life has been on hold for the last month and I just want to get back to it.

This morning I drank a full caf cup of coffee, then went for a (slow) 1 mile run with Pipsqueak.  I literally have not one shred of hope that this pregnancy is going anywhere but away from me.

Repeat beta tomorrow, unless it wants to magically jump to above 100 than I'd rather it just be way lower.  No increase unless it's a big one please.  Surely that's not too much to ask.

Beta 8dp5dt

is 26.  So obviously low.  And the bleeding continues.  At this point I just hope it goes right down and doesn't drag on.  Repeat beta scheduled for Friday.

New plan

Called the RE's nurse.  She was very pessimistic considering I'm now passing clots and bleeding fairly heavy.  We've moved up my beta to tomorrow (8dp5dt) and repeat on Friday. So I'm relieved to know something sooner.  My RE notoriously refused to do betas earlier than 9 days so this is a small victory. 

She told me to continue all meds.  Oh and the great news that I can take the Tylenol #3 that had been rx for egg retrieval for the cramps.

Oh this is certainly a fun day. 

I'm bleeding - Happy 200th post and 40,000 pageviews!

So I started spotting last night, just tannish stuff.  Which I had with Pipsqueak's cycle too at almost the same time so no biggie.  Then this morning it was rust colored but still hardly any. 

This morning's FRER was darker than yesterday's but not by a ton.  CB digital said Not Pregnant. 

At 10am I went to take a shower after vacuuming and there was dark red blood staining my thighs.  When I wiped it was like a normal period.

Just took another FRER and it's darker than this morning's.  

Beta is scheduled for Thursday at 7:30am.  I'll be 9dp5dt.  I work all day Saturday and Monday so I won't be able to get a recheck of beta til next Tuesday maybe?  Fml

Clearly this is over, right? Cramps continue as they have since 3dpt.

I feel like I'm dreaming (warning more pee sticks ahead)

My afternoon test today at 6dp5dt is even darker!

I cannot believe I am pregnant.  Just like last time I was certain it wouldn't work.  Keep the faith ladies!

6dp5dt

I think it's photographable now!!!!  Here is this morning's test:

I'm calling it

I think it's a BFP!

I have been peeing on absolutely every preg test I can get my hands on.  Like I have a bad addiction and need an intervention.  I tested out trigger and got my first 100% blank negative at 2dp5dt.  3dp5dt was also negative.  These were all internet cheapies (wondfo I think).  Yesterday at 4dp5dt I did a First Response Early Result which was negative.  But my wondfo yesterday had that most faintest of all shadows.  You had to tilt it, hold it right up to bright light and make a wish to see it.  My mom saw it too though, so I wasn't completely losing it.

This morning took a wondfo and FRER again.  The wondfo had the weird light shadow again which I just felt weird about, but the FRER had a definite light second line!  VERY light, still had to kind of hold it up to the light.

Just took an afternoon test (see I need help) and both have a more obvious line!  Still light (but I am only 5dp5dt so of course it should be light) but I can see both in natural light without tilting it!

So when did anyone else get their positive sticks after IVF?  Am I just crazy?  Last time I had a positive at 6dp5dt.

Also I have cramps that feel just like AF is about to start...which is exactly what I blogged at 5dp5dt last time!

Please sign!

Have you ever been sooo jealous of those people who have infertility insurance coverage?  I know I have.  We are not lucky enough to live in a state where infertility coverage is mandated.  If like me you think we all deserve to be covered for this medical condition please sign this petition and share it!  I shared it to my facebook feed.

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/recognize-infertility-disability-and-all-states-be-mandated-supply-coverage-and-treatment-through/wB814t4y

1dp5dt

Just got the call that no embryos were able to be frozen.  the farthest any of the rest of them got was to the morula stage by day 6.

Yesterday I rested all day, today I've been pretty active.  My  DH's Grandma (97 years old!) passed away last week, and he is taking Pipsqueak and flying halfway across the country today.  So as you can imagine today is stressful in terms of packing and in terms of me crying hysterically every 5 mins.  I physically MISS her and she isn't leaving for another 2 hours.  She's napping now.

I have had low grade menstrual cramps ever since about 8pm last night.  I remember last time I had cramps around 3dpt but not this early.  I hope this isn't a bad sign.  Man it's hard to not read into everything.

All of my obsessive googling has made me happy that both of my embryos were rated aa.  But I am so concerned that they hadn't progresses farther along.  Here is the info on blast grading if anyone cares :

Expansion grade	Blastocyst development and stage status
1	Blastocoel cavity less than half the volume of the embryo
2	Blastocoel cavity more than half the volume of the embryo
3	Full blastocyst, cavity completely filling the embryo
4	Expanded blastocyst, cavity larger than the embryo, with thinning of the shell
5	Hatching out of the shell
6	Hatched out of the shell

ICM grade	Inner cell mass quality
A	Many cells, tightly packed
B	Several cells, loosely grouped
C	Very few cells

TE grade	Trophectoderm quality
A	Many cells, forming a cohesive layer
B	Few cells, forming a loose epithelium
C	Very few large cells

Mine were a 2aa and a 1aa.  Please be hatching today little ones.

PUPO with twins!

2 blasts transferred.  A 2aa and a 1aa.  According to the Internet these are intermediate embryos.  My RE called them 'near perfect'.  So who knows?  It's out of my hands now.

Transfer went very well.  DH and I were laughing and singing along to the ridiculous Muzak beforehand.  

Beta scheduled for 8/29.  Obviously I will POAS well before that - I've already been testing out the trigger shot :-). I have no self control.

Fert Report Day 4

OMG this embryologist won't stop with the surprises!  I think there is a little bit of a language barrier but today we really connected.

The news is AMAZING.  Yet a little confusing.

We have....

-TWO morulas that look "great".  He said, "I can't promise anything but I expect them to be blastocysts tomorrow"

-FOUR embryos that are one day behind.  And I quote, "I expect a couple of them to catch up and we can freeze them".  What what what?

-FIVE other embryos 2-3 days behind.  He has almost no expectations for these guys, but said "you never know, we will check them again tomorrow".

So we have 11 embryos, out of 12 mature eggs.  I am still extremely confused as to why I was told only 3 had fertilized on day 1.  I sorta kinda asked that question and he said, "those were the advanced ones, the others were just slower".

Ummmmmmm this is amazing news!  My goal was to have 2 blasts to transfer on day 5 and by golly it looks like that might happen!

Today I am going to rehydrate, eat and relax.  After last night I feel like I am recovering from the flu and need to replenish the stores.

Thanks for all the support guys.  Hopefully I will update you all tomorrow that I am PUPO!

My assvice for others (warning: TMI)

-If you've had constipation problems before
-If you've tried upping your fiber and water and taking walks
-If you've even tried an IVF risque cup of coffee to get things moving
-If you've taken stool softeners 3 times a day since starting the bcp
-If you tried milk of magnesia and still had NO result
-If you had to help small, rock hard pebbles 'escape'
-If you've tried everything, DO NOT....


Take the  maximum THREE stimulant laxatives right before dinner.  Because if you do that you will crap your pants in your sleep.

Not gonna transfer today!

Just got the call from the embryologist...now out of our precious 6...FOUR of them are 'looking really good'.  He said that meets the criteria to hold off for a 5 day transfer on Tuesday.

Please pray we have something to transfer on Tuesday!

He gave no exact details.  Last time on day 3 we had 10 embryos, 6 of which had 6-8 cells.  The clinic has a new embryologist since then and I guess he just doesn't give details.

I'm not sure if I will get a phone call update tomorrow or not.  The former embryologist didn't give day 4 updates because "it is such a critical time of growth for the embryo we don't like to disturb them".  I believe I was told this time that I woud be updated daily.  Who knows?

How am I going to get through the next 48 hours??????

Fert report day 2

Okay better news.  Today 6 have fertilized.   He said yesterday that he only had them out of the incubator for a minute and could only identify those that had "obviously" fertilized.  So today we have 6.  He said 2 are looking perfect and the other 4 look good but are a little behind.  His guess is now that we will do a 5 day transfer...BUT if tomorrow 2 look way better than he will call me in the morning for a 3 day transfer tomorrow.

So my faith is restored.  Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  Today I'm trying to focus on the positive.  :-)

Thanks for all of the encouragement!

Fert report: Day 1

It's all a numbers game - the more you start with hopefully the more you will have to transfer/freeze.

So out of 26 measurable follicles....
             
                16 eggs were retrieved....

                12 of those eggs were mature....

                 3 fertilized.

I am devastated.  Looking at a probable 3 day transfer Sunday.  He said it's possible that more could fertilize by tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath.
 

                

Maturity Report

Out of 16 eggs retrieved 12 were mature and ICSIed.  So 12 potential babies growing in the lab!   They will call tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. 

Last time (I just can't help constantly comparing) we had 19 retrieved, 15 mature and ICSIed, and 10 that fertilized normally.  

So I'm looking for the magic 10 again tomorrow...or at least 8 please oh please!!

Retrieval

Initially I was told 13 eggs, after reviewing them in the lab final tally is 16.  My super sweet 16!

We're on our way home...maturity report later today.  I'm going to rest today.  So glad the retrieval is over.

Thanks

Thank you all for your support.  I started out this cycle kinda lost in the blogosphere.  Last time I had so many cycle buddies, and most of us were newbies.  This time I felt more alone.  But over the course of this cycle I have made new friends and found support from old ones :)

Last night I felt awful.  I took the 4 zithromax pills for pre-retrieval antibiotic coverage at about 7pm.  I took it with food.  By 8 I was soooooo sick to my stomach.  I quickly took a zofran and a benadryl.  I passed out at 9:30 and was awakened by my alarm at 9:58 for my 10pm trigger shot.  I gave it to myself completely out of it.  Today I POAS to make sure the trigger got into my system - and I got a light positive.  So I guess it worked.  This morning my nausea is much better, just back to feeling feverish and crampy.

I hate this day between trigger and retrieval.  There's nothing to do but sit around and hope you don't ovulate.  I didn't last time and I assume I won't this time, but for some reason it is crossing my mind a lot.  Maybe bc one of the girls on the fertility forum I frequent had it happen to her this cycle.

9am tomorrow can't come quickly enough!

Trigger tonight!

My appt was great again today...so hopefully the polyp and the fibroid are the hiccups for this cycle and from here it is smooth sailing.....

Today lining is 15mm (last cycle I think it was 11mm at this time).  Triple stripe and "beautiful" per the NP.  Fibroid still small measuring approx 2.1cm.

Ovaries are "pushed together"?  She couldn't really differentiate between the 2 sides.  But total of 26 (!) follicles, measuring from 12-21mm.  She read me off many measurements, I think there were like 5 at 21, several at 17-20, then several 12-17.  Last time I think I was told I had approx 30 follicles and they were measuring 12-19mm.

Estradiol 5,518.  Last cycle it was just over 6,000 so again looking ok!

Trigger tonight at 10:00pm.  Retrieval Thursday morning at 9am.

Stims Day 10

Tonight will be my 10th dose of stims.  Almost surely my last night, as I'll then be completely out of meds, and seeing as my lead follicle was almost 16mm Saturday I'm sure I am ready to trigger tomorrow night.  I have a 9am appt tomorrow for u/s and estradiol level to make sure of this, of course. 

No matter what the outcome of this cycle, this will be my last stims injection ever.  I may have to raise a tiny glass of champagne tonight to toast this wonderful occasion!  Because I am ready to be done.  Of course I hope this cycle will have been worth it.  But if it was nothing than a fruitless effort, so be it.  At least I will be done!

Retrieval set tentatively for this Thursday.

As for how I'm feeling - feverish, bloated, crampy.  Just like last time.  

What I'm really dreading is that horrible in between time after retrieval when you wait to hear how your embryos are growing.  That's the part I'd most like to skip over this time.  Even more so than the 2ww.  

Stims Day 8

So, good monitoring appt.   My lining is 12mm and triple stripe (last time it was at 10mm at this time).  The fibroid is actually measuring smaller than last week - at like 1.6 x 1.8 cm.  He said as long as it is under 3 cm they don't really care, and it definitely is on the outside.

My follices are going nuts - 2 at 15mm, 3 at 14mm, 4 at 13mm, 2 at 12mm, several at 9-10mm. Equal between the two ovaries.
He said (and I quote), "I don't know, this is looking even better than last time somehow". SWEET! 

Estradiol level 1,036 (was 1488 at this point last time).

Dr just called with the level and said he is postponing my Monday appt to Tuesday, probable trigger Tuesday night, retrieval on Thursday.  This would give me a full 10 days of stims, just like last time.

Starting to feel uncomfortable and full, with headaches and nausea, but nothing too bad.  Fingers crossed!!!

Okay I feel better now...

My estradiol is 205...with Pipsqueak on this day it was 202.  So theoretically everything is perfect and I am stressing for nothing.

I'm just going to pretend there was no mention of a possible phantom fibroid.  Sounds like a scary  superhero.

Stims day 5

I had my day 5 monitoring appt this morning:

Right side:  8 total, largest measuring 10mm.

Left side: at least 4-5 (hard to see), largest measuring 6.9mm.   (last cycle I was just told "lots of follicles, largest measuring 9mm)

Uterus: Lining 7.2 (last cycle was 10 at this point).  She saw a "possible" fibroid measuring 2cm.  Since I JUST had a surgical hysteroscopy and no fibroid was seen I don't understand how I could have one.  I told the NP that and she kinda backtracked, saying it may just be a piece of my uterus?  WTF?  Why would a piece of my uterus look like a fibroid?  She said the Dr will review it and let me know what he thinks.  When they call with my estradiol level later today I am gonna ask more questions.  She did say worst case scenario if the fibroid grew the embryos would be frozen for later transfer.

Seriously.  Last round my uterus was so perfect.  No polyps, no fibroids.

UGH.  I am just feeling like this cycle keeps encountering speed bumps.  Next monitoring appt is this Saturday.

Thank you Macrobid, thank you!

I feel SO much better!!!  Thank God the macrobid is working.  I had gotten myself all worked up that it was not a UTI and was actually a weird Lupron reaction.  I'm slightly paranoid.  I'm also fond of telling my family that I'm in menopause.  With an estrogen level of 9 I think it's valid. 

Baseline bf stims

Baseline u/s - lining thin, 9 follicles on the right, left ovary not visualized (damn ovary hiding behind my colon!) and estradiol is 9.  I am in menopause big time at the moment - they wanted it less than 100.  SO I am adequately suppressed.

Spent last night in the ER for this UTI.  FINALLY on macrobid after 3 days of symptoms.  Hope it helps, this is by far the worst one I've ever had!

Stims in 2 days!