It's over

Beta came down to 4.  All day I was praying it was either super high or super low...I got one of my wishes.

The nurse practitioner that called me said it was absolutely nothing I did, it was most likely a genetic defect in the embryo and was doomed from the start.

She said the dr wants to sit down and talk to us about what went wrong.  I told her we can't afford to try again so it doesn't really matter what went wrong.  I almost got through this without crying.

I am pissed off that the Dr himself didn't call me.  After all money, shots, blood draws and conflicting reports from the embryologist I think I deserved at least that.

So I am on beer 5.  Adios IVF, thank you for my daughter, but right now fuck you.

First BPP

Had our first biophysical profile today.  Little Girl looks great so that was a big relief.  My bp was 138/88 in the office on the labetalol and no protein in my urine today so so far so good.  Complete bed rest continues on a week by week basis.  Next appt is Wednesday.  BP right now (3 hours from next med dose) was 155/111.  Hmm.  She told me to call if diastolic (bottom #) was above 90.  I told her it gets higher as my dose nears and she said, "as long as your dose is coming up that's fine".  I am a little confused.

My amazing Momma stayed with me this past week and waited on me hand and foot.  She left a few hours ago and I miss her terribly.  I love you Momma!

Now my poor husband must pick up the major slack around here.  He is a wonderful husband and I'm sure he will be able to do this but it worries me - he is so busy and stressed at work right now.

Okay, I have had my head propped up for long enough, back to my left side now.  Thanks for all of the support ladies.  xoxo

I am at a loss for words...

A fellow blogger is going through a nightmare.  She just lost her twins at 20 weeks.  Please surround her with love - Miss Conception

Sad

There have been so many BFNs and scary news lately.  Most recently Alison has had bleeding and 2 ultrasounds that showed conflicting things.  She is going for another ultrasound today and will hopefully have some answers.  Please show her some support!

6 days until my ultrasound.  Not that I'm counting.

Here's what the internet has to say..

FSH is often used as a gauge of ovarian reserve. In general, under 6 is excellent, 6-9 is good, 9-10 fair, 10-13 diminished reserve, 13+ very hard to stimulate. In PCOS testing, the LH:FSH ratio may be used in the diagnosis. The ratio is usually close to 1:1, but if the LH is higher, it is one possible indication of PCOS.




I'm so upset right now.  I just emailed DH and just lost it.  If this cycle doesn't work I am done.  DONE.

Out of nowhere

Does anyone else think infertility is like having multiple personalities?  I swear - one hour I am cool, collected, confident and self-asured.  The next - weepy, scared, nervous and angry. 
Yesterday I was feeling good.  All day I was picturing what it would be like to be pregnant after our IVF cycle...how long we would wait to tell people, what sex I'd prefer, etc., etc.  I also was thinking about what will happen if it doesn't work.  My thoughts were, mayeb we'll try again, maybe we'll say enough is enough.  I was thinking about what life will be like without kids - and really felt deep down that we'd be okay.  I started thinking about traveling, getting new wood floors, and what have you. 

Then I woke up today to a mass email annoucing a pregnancy.  It was sent from a distant college friend - we see each other maybe every couple of years.  She is more a friend of a friend.  I knew she was going to start trying a few months ago - she is now 12 weeks along so that obviously didn't take long.  That's not what got to me though.  What killed me is that she said she will be starting a blog to share her pregnancy with everyone.  I seriously lost it when I read that line.  I cried for at least 15 minutes straight.

Can you imagine?  A blog to celebrate with your real family and friends.  Not a place to bitch, moan, share bad news, cry, disappoint all in the comfort of your anonyminity.  A blog that is happy, a blog that is started with a certainty of what the future holds. 

I am so jealous. Jealous that I don't have the blessing of an easy conception.  Jealous that she is older than me, wasn't ever sure that she wanted kids, and wham bam thank you ma'm with the quick pregnancy announcement.  I am jealous that even if I do end up pregnant with IVF I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with a mass email to everyone I know announcing my bundle of joy.

What in the world will ever make these feelings go away?  I don't think a baby will cure this feeling I have inside of me.  I imagine myself at 90, stooped over in a wheelchair in my room at the nursing home, overhearing some slutty 19 year old nursing assistant talk about an unwanted pregnancy and running her over with my wheelchair. 

I feel better this evening..haven't cried again, anyway.  There is a pressure deep inside my chest, however.  I think the feeling is infertility - a mixture of resentment, sadness, jealousy, tears cried, hopelessness and frustration.

Questions..

I swear I've asked most of these before but bear with me..I have a few random questions and a few random thoughts..

1. I have read about clomid increasing sperm counts and sometimes motility.  I have also read however that it does not necessarily improve pregnancy rates.  Why is this?  Any success stories with actual numbers?
2. Reasons for such a low sperm count in DH...physical exam was normal, testosterone slightly low, unsure if any other hormones were tested.  Genetic testing next...exactly what tests should be ordered?  How long do they take to get back? What do the results mean?
3. HOW THE HELL DOES ANYONE EVER AFFORD IVF?
4. ahem.  That last one should probably read, "How will we ever be able to afford it?".  Seriously?  Why is it so expensive?
5. I just read online about a new study showing taking extra antioxidants improves sperm count and function.  Anyone know anything about this?  There are about a million antioxidant supplements out there. 
6. Ummm I have just started to have an interest in adoption.  DH has a cousin or friend or someone he knows who had a bad experience and he has said from the beginning, "I just am not comfortable adopting."  Do you think that statement is open for discussion or should I just shut the fuck up for now and cross that bridge later if we need to?

DH just got back from a work trip today.  I haven't yet asked him if he has heard back from the urology dr for the genetic work-up.  Serisouly this is pissing me off.  Well 2 things are...that the dr can't make the time to write a stupid lab order and secondly that I feel guilty asking DH yet again if he has heard.  It is so not his fault that this dr is so busy...but whenever I ask him he feels that I am pressuring him.  I know he's stressed, I get that.  Work and phd stuff has been crazy lately. 

I am just so sick of all of this.  If the fates have decided that we are not meant to have children at all then I just want to know now. I don't want to keep googling things like, "adoption agencies" "ivf success rates" "genetic reasons for low sperm counts" "donor sperm psychological implications" "ivf financing" "antioxidant sperm production" "hormonal reasons for low sperm count". 

Fml

Edited to add: I was very upset when I wrote this but I still want to post it. It was written on my blackberry and I debated whether or not to post it. Because I view this blog as a diary of sorts I want to remember these feelings. I think me and my husband will be okay, but things aren't better yet.

Written 1/1/11 8:04 am

I am mid flight right now from visiting family on the east coast for the new year.  My face is red, blotchy, my eyes are swollen, I have mascara all over my face, my nose is stopped up and I am getting sympathetic glances from a soldier in the next aisle.  Yep, I'm crying. I'm so frustrated right now that if I wasn't on a plane I'd go outside and yell "Fuck me" as loud as I possibly could.

Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me.

I seriously just hate this fucking bitch called hope.  And it's starting to make me resent the one person I thought I could count on because he is the one who keeps offering hope and then seemingly snatching it back.

He keeps telling me to be sympathetic, to be sensitive to his feelings.  But I'm not a fucking mind reader and I'm sick to fucking death of his changing his mind.

It all started when I told him today that we should narrow down our choices and decide on a donor in the next 1-2 weeks to ensure that everything is there on time and there are no problems.  Suddenly I'm "pressuring him" and being "stressful".

He says, "Maybe we'll try this month, maybe we won't" all casually.

Fuck fuck fuck.

See I thought when he said he was ready, he was ready.  EXCUSE me for not reading into that statement all sensitively and understandingly.  EXCUSE me for actually taking what he said at face value.

He asked me if any husbands in this situation that I've read about have ever had second thoughts. I said of course but not usually after they finally come to the decision...but that I'd read of one couple in which the husband actually changed his mind in the REs office right before the insemination.  He said he completely understands that because you never know how you'll feel until you're in that moment.  I am in no fucking way gonna do this and be wondering at the last minute if he's gonna back out.

I just can't stop crying and my face is chapped from the shitty airline napkins.

We are pretty much giving each other the silent treatment.

God I don't know what to do but I know I can't do this for much longer.

The best part?  He asked me how I'd feel if we are never able to have kids.  I said, "I'd  probably be okay but I would be sad for the rest of my life." He then said I should go back to counseling.  OOOOH I never thought of that.  Counseling! Of course! They will make it better.  I bet I won't want kids at all after talking to them!  What a genius fucking idea Einstein fuck face.

I wish to God this had never happened to us.  We are not any closer for it.  I am so filled with sorrow right now.  Hate is even sneaking in there.  I feel so awful.

I might take a break from blogging.  I'm at the end of my rope right now.

This is how I feel...

"You can spend a year at sea waiting, but one day it becomes impossible to endure even another hour."

         -The Story of a Shipwrecked Sailor,

           Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Just when I thought I wasn't going to cry all week...

I see this video on a fellow infertile's blog.  I held it together until the end and then sobbed.  Kinda cathartic actually...so if you need a good cry watch it.  If you are already feeling fragile today then skip it!

2012

That is the earliest I could possibly have a baby.  I just realized this last night when we were trying to estimate how much money to put aside into our FSA account (we decided on max so we can use it to pay for donor sperm and IUIs).  I said in passing, "Well we won't have to worry about the cost of childbirth until at least 2012". Very flippantly, like I was above being upset over IF.  But I'm NOT.  We started trying in 2009!  It is so unbelievably unfair!

It's the way I felt when I was single and yearned to be married (or at least have a boyfriend).  I was ok being single, I just wanted reassurance that someone was out there for me at some point in my life.  That's what I need now...just to know that it will happen someday.

Unbelievable

A fellow blogger just had one of the worst things ever happen.  Go give her some support - One Day.