A year ago..

A year ago yesterday was the day I called the RE and my husband and I decided to move forward with IVF...several months earlier than we had planned.

A year ago today was my first appt, and day one of bcp.I can't believe it's been a year. As some of you may remember I was pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. My attitude wasn't exactly negative, I was (I thought) just being realistic and trying to protect myself. I tried not to get my hopes up. I was adamant about doing only one cycle..and if it didn't work I was going to embrace being a DINK. (obviously I have no idea what I really would have done but I really really didn't want to go through IVF again). The night before I POAS I spent about 4 hours on the Internet researching travel to New Zealand..I was so certain the cramps I felt were AF getting ready to start and I had to focus on the future and being childless.The BFP was the biggest shock of my life. Seriously I couldn't have been more shocked...I know it sounds stupid but there it is.

I remember POAS upstairs in my bathroom and seeing the blank white where the test line should be. I was not surprised, and really not even that sad. It was 6dp5dt and I pretty much knew that I should have a positive this day if it had worked. I took the test with me downstairs and was looking through the fridge for something to eat. I turned around and looked at the test on my kitchen counter and it literally took my breath away. There was a faint 2nd line. I called my mom up and said, "I think I might be pregnant". I was shaking. I emailed her a picture and she said I definitely was. I called my hubby and he was so excited! I remained in shock the rest of the day.

It became real when we saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. I (naively) was pretty unafraid of miscarriage after that point. In retrospect I can't believe I wasn't terrified. If I had protected my heart while waiting for the pregnancy test result I certainly was protecting nothing anymore - my hopes were sky high and I would have been devastated had anything happened to the pregnancy.

During the bad morning sickness, the scary pre-eclampsia, the strict on my side 5 weeks of bed rest, the horrible induction with emergency c-section, and the extreme sleep deprivation of the first 6 weeks I was adamant that she would be our "only". I was never going to do this again. We got lucky with IVF working the first time - we have no frozen embryos and I took that as a sign. Out of 19 eggs retrieved we ended up with one perfect embryo (assuming our baby is the 5aa and not the 1bb). But. Now that I have a smiling, laughing 3 month old I am having some disturbing thoughts - I'd like another please. My husband is on board - he has always wanted at least two. But I don't know - it is so overwhelming to even think about. Was my second FSH level that came back elevated indicative of a decreased fertility on my part? Could we ever afford IVF again?

It is easier to just imagine that we are done. I can't fathom IVF while having a baby/toddler. Also morning sickness? God forbid bed rest?

Maybe we should stop while we're ahead.

Then I think "Thank God we did IVF when we did, or she wouldn't be here". "Thank God we picked the RE we did or she wouldn't be here". "Thank God the embryologist picked the sperm she did to inject or she wouldn't be here". You get the picture. A lot of thanking God when I'm not even a religious person.

So what if deciding that we are done means a child of ours that is meant to be doesn't get a chance? What if we had decided not to do IVF? Pipsqueak wouldn't be here. That kills me.

So how do you know when you're done?

Nursery pic

I want to put an asterisk at the end of the quote with a footnote stating "and pursued A.R.T."