Does anyone else think infertility is like having multiple personalities? I swear - one hour I am cool, collected, confident and self-asured. The next - weepy, scared, nervous and angry.
Yesterday I was feeling good. All day I was picturing what it would be like to be pregnant after our IVF cycle...how long we would wait to tell people, what sex I'd prefer, etc., etc. I also was thinking about what will happen if it doesn't work. My thoughts were, mayeb we'll try again, maybe we'll say enough is enough. I was thinking about what life will be like without kids - and really felt deep down that we'd be okay. I started thinking about traveling, getting new wood floors, and what have you.
Then I woke up today to a mass email annoucing a pregnancy. It was sent from a distant college friend - we see each other maybe every couple of years. She is more a friend of a friend. I knew she was going to start trying a few months ago - she is now 12 weeks along so that obviously didn't take long. That's not what got to me though. What killed me is that she said she will be starting a blog to share her pregnancy with everyone. I seriously lost it when I read that line. I cried for at least 15 minutes straight.
Can you imagine? A blog to celebrate with your real family and friends. Not a place to bitch, moan, share bad news, cry, disappoint all in the comfort of your anonyminity. A blog that is happy, a blog that is started with a certainty of what the future holds.
I am so jealous. Jealous that I don't have the blessing of an easy conception. Jealous that she is older than me, wasn't ever sure that she wanted kids, and wham bam thank you ma'm with the quick pregnancy announcement. I am jealous that even if I do end up pregnant with IVF I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable with a mass email to everyone I know announcing my bundle of joy.
What in the world will ever make these feelings go away? I don't think a baby will cure this feeling I have inside of me. I imagine myself at 90, stooped over in a wheelchair in my room at the nursing home, overhearing some slutty 19 year old nursing assistant talk about an unwanted pregnancy and running her over with my wheelchair.
I feel better this evening..haven't cried again, anyway. There is a pressure deep inside my chest, however. I think the feeling is infertility - a mixture of resentment, sadness, jealousy, tears cried, hopelessness and frustration.
Yes--I totally hear you on all these thoughts! IF just sucks and it affects everything you think about in so many ways. Even post-IVF baby, I still deal with a lot of weird feelings. I'm just rambling here now, but just wanted to say I hear and am (virtually) here for you!!!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand about the multiple personalities! I feel like I have the same problem! I am sorry about the PG e-mail those just suck!
ReplyDeleteOh lady, I'm so sorry about that email. That kind of thing does me in every time. IF can definitely turn you into a different person, even from one day to the next. It seriously sucks.
ReplyDeleteI am so there with you. IF does the exact same thing to me. One minute, I'm fine... the next, I'm sobbing or lashing out. And the announcements are never easy. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYes! IF is so damn hard and it gets even more complicated when you bring synthetic hormones into the mix! Hang in there, we are here to support you. We all have those back and forth feelings, it can be hard to stay positive and remember that others experiences do not effect your own!
ReplyDeleteOhmygosh yes! You summed it up perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI can picturemyself here "I imagine myself at 90, stooped over in a wheelchair in my room at the nursing home, overhearing some slutty 19 year old nursing assistant talk about an unwanted pregnancy and running her over with my wheelchair." but at the same time, I really feel (and hope) that some of the bitterness passes in the end, and we're left with acceptance of the live we get to live, whether or not it's the one we picked to begin with.
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