Stims Day 2

I gotta say the shots so far have been fine.  I had heard that menopur burns but I haven't noticed it (maybe bc I have ample subq tissue :).

I am antsy for my first monitoring appt. - this Wed.  Until then I guess I will just go with the flow!  I am trying to take good care of myself - eating good foods, taking a half hour walk outside every day and doing circle and bloom at least once a day.

DH and I have had a wonderful weekend - he even brought me flowers home on friday night!  He must have sensed my loneliness during the past few months while he worked on his doctorate...maybe my tears a few nights ago telling him I felt all alone in this process clued him in :)

Friends of ours just emailed us and told us they are 7 weeks pregnant after their 3rd IVF...it made me so happy!  I just hope it doesn't take us that many times because we are kinda tapped out at 1 attempt.

Okay, off to dinner with my bff.  Enjoy the weather everyone!

24 hours til stims!

First of all, does anyone else notice how many BFPs have been announced lately?  Congrats ladies and gents!  It fills me with hope right now - but if I get a bfn and drop off the commenting universe briefly please understand.

I am feeling really good today.  After a dose of Phillips Milk of Magnesia I finally have a little relief :)  I have decided that once stims start I am limiting myself to these over the counter meds :(I put this list together  form a combination of your guys' thoughts, my own common sense, and google)  tylenol for pain, colace and glycerin suppositories for constipation, and Benadryl 25mg for any insomnia.

ACNE.  Anyone else?  I almost never break out, and right now I have 3(!) huge monsters on my face - one that's redness reaches about the circumference of a dime.  Between that, the constipation and bruised abdomen I am feeling sexy, y'all!

Tonight will be my last combo dose of:

Lupron 10 units

Prenatal

Baby aspirin

Tomorrow start:

Lupron 3 units

Bravelle 300 units

Menopur 75 units

Prenatal

Baby aspirin

This weekend I am going to RRRREEEELLLLAAAAXXXX.  DH finally finished writing his dissertation and I am actually off work so we are gonna do the quality time thing - movies, board games, dinner out, maybe even church (yikes, it's been a long while...like a year).  I've already requested breakfast in bed for saturday - I deserve some pampering!!!!

Have a good weekend everyone!  I am off to take a walk - I lost 10 pounds in the 2 months prior to starting IVF - and I am really worried about plumping right back up.  Too bad I can't stop eating :)  Seriously food tastes so good right now....

Why can't we just talk like grown-ups?

Good news!  DH got his genetic tests back and all is well!  Normal karotype, no Y micro-deletion, no Klinefelters.  And so far...no discernible reason for his low sperm count/low to normal testosterone.  So WTF?  Why is it low? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

So, I suppose this means no donor sperm, at least not yet.  It will be moved to the backburner for now and reserved as more of a back-up option. 

DH and I 'talked' this morning about things.  I use quotes because really a lot of it was what I call yelling.  He says he wasn't yelling, I said I wasn't crying (we were on the phone), we were both lying.  We were both happy that the genetic tests were normal, of course.  We've agreed we need a sit down with Dr P (urologist).  DH said when they talked a few weeks ago he was recommending 6 months of clomid and another drug he couldn't remember (Started with an M?  DH thought it was something like misoprop-something?  Anybody have a clue?).  He said it would take 6-8 months to see any changes.  Then we re-evaluate and see if we can get numbers up enough to do IUI or (shocker!) intercourse.  Seriously, we have been so knee-deep in infertility shit that the thought of having a child from sex seems laughable.  That's something that only happens in the movies, right? ;)

If that doesn't work then it is IVF.  So then the money talk began.  That's when we always have our fun.  I am pro baby, no matter the expense.  DH is pro-waiting for God knows how long until we are financially stable.

Now I agree with most of what he says.  I wouldn't want to put 20k on the credit card for IVF.  Duh, that seems stupid.  BUT I think in 9 months to a year we could save up maybe 10k...and I think then going into 10k debt for a 3 cycle plus option is fine. OR we could just do one cycle at around 7-8k and hope for the best.  We could definitely have that in 6-12 mos. 

THEN DH says, "Let's just wait until we move and try to get a job in a state that has infertility coverage".  Umm, we have talked about moving like 1 1/2-2 years from now, IF we can find jobs elsewhere and IF we can sell our house.  SO right there, 2 conditions that would have to be met for this to even have a chance of working.  And even then the coverage may not be as great as he thinks.  AND isn't there sometimes something like a time period before you can even use the benefits?  UUUGGHH!

I just know one day I will suddenly be 38, almost eggless, and we will still be talking about when it is right for IVF.

Sorry for the rant.  I am just SO fucking sick of infertility causing strife in my marriage.

Questions..

I swear I've asked most of these before but bear with me..I have a few random questions and a few random thoughts..

1. I have read about clomid increasing sperm counts and sometimes motility.  I have also read however that it does not necessarily improve pregnancy rates.  Why is this?  Any success stories with actual numbers?
2. Reasons for such a low sperm count in DH...physical exam was normal, testosterone slightly low, unsure if any other hormones were tested.  Genetic testing next...exactly what tests should be ordered?  How long do they take to get back? What do the results mean?
3. HOW THE HELL DOES ANYONE EVER AFFORD IVF?
4. ahem.  That last one should probably read, "How will we ever be able to afford it?".  Seriously?  Why is it so expensive?
5. I just read online about a new study showing taking extra antioxidants improves sperm count and function.  Anyone know anything about this?  There are about a million antioxidant supplements out there. 
6. Ummm I have just started to have an interest in adoption.  DH has a cousin or friend or someone he knows who had a bad experience and he has said from the beginning, "I just am not comfortable adopting."  Do you think that statement is open for discussion or should I just shut the fuck up for now and cross that bridge later if we need to?

DH just got back from a work trip today.  I haven't yet asked him if he has heard back from the urology dr for the genetic work-up.  Serisouly this is pissing me off.  Well 2 things are...that the dr can't make the time to write a stupid lab order and secondly that I feel guilty asking DH yet again if he has heard.  It is so not his fault that this dr is so busy...but whenever I ask him he feels that I am pressuring him.  I know he's stressed, I get that.  Work and phd stuff has been crazy lately. 

I am just so sick of all of this.  If the fates have decided that we are not meant to have children at all then I just want to know now. I don't want to keep googling things like, "adoption agencies" "ivf success rates" "genetic reasons for low sperm counts" "donor sperm psychological implications" "ivf financing" "antioxidant sperm production" "hormonal reasons for low sperm count". 

Fml

Edited to add: I was very upset when I wrote this but I still want to post it. It was written on my blackberry and I debated whether or not to post it. Because I view this blog as a diary of sorts I want to remember these feelings. I think me and my husband will be okay, but things aren't better yet.

Written 1/1/11 8:04 am

I am mid flight right now from visiting family on the east coast for the new year.  My face is red, blotchy, my eyes are swollen, I have mascara all over my face, my nose is stopped up and I am getting sympathetic glances from a soldier in the next aisle.  Yep, I'm crying. I'm so frustrated right now that if I wasn't on a plane I'd go outside and yell "Fuck me" as loud as I possibly could.

Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me.

I seriously just hate this fucking bitch called hope.  And it's starting to make me resent the one person I thought I could count on because he is the one who keeps offering hope and then seemingly snatching it back.

He keeps telling me to be sympathetic, to be sensitive to his feelings.  But I'm not a fucking mind reader and I'm sick to fucking death of his changing his mind.

It all started when I told him today that we should narrow down our choices and decide on a donor in the next 1-2 weeks to ensure that everything is there on time and there are no problems.  Suddenly I'm "pressuring him" and being "stressful".

He says, "Maybe we'll try this month, maybe we won't" all casually.

Fuck fuck fuck.

See I thought when he said he was ready, he was ready.  EXCUSE me for not reading into that statement all sensitively and understandingly.  EXCUSE me for actually taking what he said at face value.

He asked me if any husbands in this situation that I've read about have ever had second thoughts. I said of course but not usually after they finally come to the decision...but that I'd read of one couple in which the husband actually changed his mind in the REs office right before the insemination.  He said he completely understands that because you never know how you'll feel until you're in that moment.  I am in no fucking way gonna do this and be wondering at the last minute if he's gonna back out.

I just can't stop crying and my face is chapped from the shitty airline napkins.

We are pretty much giving each other the silent treatment.

God I don't know what to do but I know I can't do this for much longer.

The best part?  He asked me how I'd feel if we are never able to have kids.  I said, "I'd  probably be okay but I would be sad for the rest of my life." He then said I should go back to counseling.  OOOOH I never thought of that.  Counseling! Of course! They will make it better.  I bet I won't want kids at all after talking to them!  What a genius fucking idea Einstein fuck face.

I wish to God this had never happened to us.  We are not any closer for it.  I am so filled with sorrow right now.  Hate is even sneaking in there.  I feel so awful.

I might take a break from blogging.  I'm at the end of my rope right now.

Counseling

Our first counseling appt was great!  It felt good to be in a neutral 'safe' place and be able to talk through some things. 

Tentative plan? Once again we are leaning towards dIUI for our first attempt.  Hubby feels good about it, I feel good about it, our finances feel good about it, our family feels good about it (although I have some doubts about the in-laws, mostly his mom) so it seems a go!  We are still planning on waiting for DH's damn doctorate to be done which will be this April.

I'm excited!  I hope this stays firmly in place as the plan for awhile...I can't take much more wavering around!

email

I think email is very helpful in resolving fights.  This is a snippet of an email I sent the hubs today...

Last night sucked but I think we needed to get those feelings out in the open.  I hope we both understand a little better what the other is going through...please talk to me anytime something comes up with you, and I want to know I can come to you without you telling me I need to see someone or stop being so obsessive.

I love you more than anything baby.  We are a team so we need to start acting like one instead of tearing each other down.

It is sometimes easier for me to think clearly by myself, communicating one on one is hard for me because I detest confrontation.

Official couples counseling appt made for October.  This counselor has experience in infertility and donor issues.  Here goes nothing.

He doesn't get it

The last few weeks we haven't been talking about how to get pregnant.  We've both been busy with work, school (DH is working on his dissertation), yard work, housework, etc., etc., etc.  BUT it is always in the back of my mind.  I feel much more calm than I did those first few weeks after we got our diagnosis...those days were BAD.  I cried every day - at home, at work, in the car, at the market.  Not all day, but at some point every day.  I'm past that now, I'm going through the grieving process I think...slowly but surely.

Last night I decided I needed to talk about everything, to touch base and see where we are at.  DH was open to talking, or at least it seemed like that at first.  I asked if he had gotten the results back from his repeat testosterone lab draw last week (he hadn't).  I told him that I am researching counselors for us to see - we have to get a psychiatric "okay" before proceeding with donor sperm - and he is open to that.  I told him that I have done some thinking, and I think we should proceed with genetic testing of him sometime soon - if something comes back that would prevent us from wanting to go forward with IVF then it makes sense to find that out soon...it would make our decision for us.

Well, the talk didn't go as planned.  At one point I teared up and started crying.  He waved his hands in front of him in a dismissive manner and said, "You really need to see someone".  Wow.  Thanks hon'.

Throughout the next 2 hours he yelled, I cried, I raised my voice, I left the room.  It was bad.  He said "You're obsessed".  That hurt.  I am NOT obsessed.  I told him that I think one of the reasons that I was getting upset so easily that day was the news of one of my best friend's pregnancies.  He said, "I just don't understand you. If one of my good friends was pregnant I would just be happy for them, it wouldn't make me sad that we weren't pregnant.  You've got to get over being sad every time you see a baby, or see a pregnant woman, you can't live like this."  His advice was that I should just imagine everyone pregnant and get over that now so that way when it happens I won't be sad.

You know I wish I was a robot that could program myself that way but I'm not.

I am so jealous of those couples that say infertility has brought them closer together.  I have never felt farther away from my husband.  The way he is reacting is teaching me not to cry in front of him, not to show him my sadness, and not to initiate conversations about this.  THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!

He said that he is surprised that he is not more upset about all of this.  I completely agree.  We came to the conclusion that he must not have processed everything fully yet.  SO I am not bringing anything up until he does.  I think I am learning that he needs to come to terms with all of this shit in his own time and in his own way.  It's just so fucking hard.

I will ALWAYS have a tinge of sadness in my heart when I hear a pregnancy announcement, or see a newborn baby, or notice a baby bump.  I think that's normal...not obsessive or the thoughts of someone who needs help.  Hearing my friend's announcement didn't send me to my room in tears, or cause me to sink into a deep depression, it just hurt a little.