Anatomy Scan

And all is well!  Baby A is 349gm or 12.3 oz.  Baby B is 387gm or 13.6 oz.  For the next month they should gain 3-4 oz a week so a week from now I should have two 1 pounders!  Seems cray cray.

Everything looked normal according to the Dr (here doctors do the ultrasounds, not u/s techs, so I feel as if you don't get as much information.  Also no pictures!!!!  I should have asked).  Brain, heart, kidneys, stomach, bladder, bowel, all measurements, placentas, 3 vessel cords, all accounted for and "normal", according to the print out report I received.

Baby A is hanging out wayyy low.  The ultrasound probe was over the right side of my c-section scar.   She (just a guess) was a bit mellow, had both hands up her face seemingly attempting to suck her thumb.  Awwww.  At one point when he was measuring her femurs she had her legs wide open.  I didn't see a penis, and it appeared to me that she was a girl.  My husband thought the same thing, but we are not experts, and could be totally wrong!  What is so funny is I really would like at least one boy, just to experience something different, but when I didn't see a penis my heart leapt!  So evidently having 3 girls is fine with me!

Baby B is hanging out at the top of my uterus, the probe was mostly over my left upper quadrant.  He or She was MAD about the ultrasound probe.  I have never felt such intense kicks or movement from either of them yet as I did during the ultrasound.  No crotch shot, so I can't make any sex guesses.  Except at the end of the scans I asked the doctor if he could tell the sexes and he said, "I definitely know what they are".  That makes me think they are two boys or at least one, because presence of a penis seems to be what would make a person so definitively sure.

The doctor did tell us he couldn't get all of the angles to measure everything on Baby B's heart.  He said he could see everything he needed to, just couldn't get the right angle for all of the measurements.  He assured me he didn't see a single thing that was abnormal, the baby was just all squished up.  He will rescan me at 28ish weeks to look at the heart again.

I am up 23.5 lbs which I am very happy with, the dr didn't mention it.  The USA perinatologist I saw wanted me to gain 20-25 lbs by 20 weeks so I did it!

My cervix measurement went up! Yay! 3 weeks ago it was 3.76, yesterday it was 4.15 or something around there, I didn't write it down. Also my blood pressure was 122/81!!!!!!  And this was right after I sat down at the desk, huffing and puffing a bit, and very nervous about the upcoming scan. And it was with an automatic cuff which always seem to measure higher.  So YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My next appt is at 23.5 weeks.  From then on they will dip urine for protein every appt, I start checking my blood pressure at home daily, if it starts going up we will start 24 hour urine collections.

Meanwhile nesting continues.  I have our crib set up for babies (in P's room), probably won't use it right away but maybe for naps sometimes.

Yesterday we had delivered our 2 infant car seats (Chicco Keyfit 30), 2 bassinet/sleepers (Graco Little Loungers - similar to Fisher Price RNP but more highly reviewed, also has a vibrating feature) and 2 boppy pillows.  This week I also bought a used swing, a second bouncer, 2 bottles, 4 pacis, 6 sleepers, 1 nursing bra, and 1 baby bath sling.  I borrowed from a friend a large playmat that is gorgeous, a toddler bath seat and a newborn Swedish bath thing for the sink.  I previously bought a 4 pack of Aden and Anais swaddlers, two miracle blanket swaddlers,  nursing cover/scarf, and received a package of swaddle me swaddlers from a friend.  

Basically it is starting to look like an orphanage around here and I still have a bunch to buy.  Major purchases are a breast pump, video monitor, and clothing.  

I will leave you with a picture of P and me on vacation.

It's been awhile!

Aside from infertility life has been amazing....we are just wrapping up a European beach vacation, Pipsqueak has been growing leaps and bounds (started nursery school, ballet lessons, can sing her ABCs, count to 10, and is a just an overall joy), and our family of 3 is spending a lot more time together than we were able to in the US.  We are very glad we took the risk and moved here.  Life seriously feels like a holiday to me much of the time (well except for the heat which is beginning....so we are about to be shut-ins for  the next  4-5 months - luckily we have 2.5 month travels to the US planned!).

Our thoughts on using ART for another attempt at a second child have wavered back and forth, often with DH and I feeling opposite at any given time.  About a month ago I really researched IVF over here and emailed the coordinator for more information.   The cost seems reasonable - 37,000 dirhams for one cycle including absolutely everything - meds, u/s, ICSI, anesthesia.  That amounts to $10,000 USD.   I like the all up front aspect, no surprises.   I also like that they allow kids at appointments...I know that's not appreciated by women trying for their first but having no family here that would be soooo important.

My biggest concern on IVF here is that it is still illegal to freeze embryos.   Why I do not know.  I mean I know it is because of religion...they are very antiabortion here.   However to me....destroying good day 5 blastocysts seems like abortion to me, am I wrong?  How is that different?  Doesn't it seem more morally sound to freeze those embryos to give them a chance at life later rather than incinerate them?  Not that I judge anyone who does destroy embryos, or have an abortion, but I am just trying to wrap my mind around the logic here.  Personally I would not have an abortion unless my life was in danger/baby had a terminal illness, etc.

Okay, I didn't mean for this post to turn into a moral debate (within myself! LOL).

Basically I wouldn't feel good if I had embryos which showed a chance at life get destroyed.   We always said we would transfer any embryo that had potential.   Well both IVFs we've had 2 blasts and transferred both.   And each time there were no embryos with the potential for life that were left over.   The only embryos destroyed were ones that had stopped growing or were severely behind by day 7.

If history repeated itself this no freezing policy would not matter obviously.  But if by some miracle we had 6 great blastocysts I would just have a nervous breakdown.

The law has changed a few times I guess.   So basically we don't feel comfortable moving forward unless the law changes back.

And besides all of this, neither of us are 100% that we would do another IVF anyway.  For me I of course would do it if there was a guarantee of success.  But seriously out of I think 21 embryos we've only had 4 blasts and 1 baby.   Not great odds.

So back to me thinking I was all ready to do it last month.   That same week I signed up Pipsqueak for nursery school.  She goes now 1 morning a week and will go in September 3 mornings a week.  The cost for 3 mornings is 7000 dirhams a term.  3 terms a year so 21,000 dirhams a year, i.e. Approx almost 2/3 of the cost of one IVF cycle.  We were discussing whether we can afford this nursery school and suddenly I was like this is freaking insane.   We should spend the money on our child that is here, living and breathing, not on more drugs, surgeries and heartache trying to conceive another baby.

So we made the decision we will not be doing IVF again (caveats we discussed are a sudden huge windfall of money or moving to a place/job with IVF insurance coverage).  But no more will we take money from our child for IVF.

We are going to get DH a urology appt to repeat hormone levels and discuss clomid/arimidex/hormone treatment.   We figure this option probably won't work but is comparatively low in cost, risk, heartache potential.

The thing that still gets me though, and leaves that sliver of a doubt is that we could totally afford another cycle.   Believe me I know that means we are blessed!  Moving to the Middle East, leaving all of our family and friends, was mostly tolerable because we are able to build a nest egg for the future.  So we could pay for one cycle and it wouldn't affect our day to day life at all.  It would just take that much out of savings.   But we've done that once already.   We already spent some savings and tried IVF again, and it didn't work.   I'm hoping that because we did try once more that I won't years from now regret not doing it again.  It's hard to imagine that I probably won't ever be pregnant or breast-feed a baby again.

And truthfully....I don't think our family is incomplete without another child.  She is so amazing, DH and I looked at each other while out to eat this week and just both melted because she was being so cute.   That made us voice something, that we would give anything for another child like her!  Ugh.  This post has clearly gone nowhere.   Just wanted to check in and let you into the mind of crazy woman.  Our due date from our second pregnancy would be in a week and a half, and so many bloggers that got pregnant when I did are about to pop....that's probably why my head is so fucked up.  Thanks for listening!

2 years old!

How is that possible?

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have a two year old.  That seems so old!!!!!!

We are going to have a very low-key day - I ordered a chocolate birthday cake, we just had pancakes for breakfast and we are going to the beach later.  We have a few presents for her to open but nothing major.  Our focus today is spending time as a family together and having fun!

Doing better

Sorry my last post was so negative.  I'm feeling a lot better about everything now.  Enjoying 2 cups of coffee every morning and playing with my daughter as much as possible.

Today we are going to the Renaissance Festival...I am so excited to take her there!  DH and I have been a couple times before but never with a child.  They have a petting zoo, rides, face painting, elephant rides.  It's gonna be a blast!

2 years

2 years ago today I had two embryos placed back into my uterus. I was oh so sure neither would stick - but one did. And she is worth every second of pain and sacrifice that it took to bring her home. Love you Pipsqueak!

We're done

Weaning is over hurrah!

This past week she suddenly self weaned!!! I literally did almost nothing - but I'm realizing my supply must have been super low because I hardly had any engorgement.

So we made it to 15 months breast feeding. I am extremely proud and at the same time it's sad to be done. Will I ever nurse another baby? If I knew for sure she was my last I'd probably push the issue and try to keep her interested.

We are still talking about IVF in the fall for Project Sibling. Nothing is 100% yet but we are leaning towards it. If we were a normal fertile couple we wouldn't even discuss whether or not to have a second baby - but knowing what we have to go through and the expense involved - just ugh. Somehow the first time around it felt like we HAD to try. This time it feels selfish somehow....like we already won the Powerball yet keep buying tickets. Does that make any sense? Pipsqueak deserves a sibling I think. That's the driving force.

If we are unsuccessful I will just kick myself.


Also obviously I want another teeny tiny cutie :-).

Night terrors

OMG. Baby having a night terror is NO FUN!!!!!

For the last two days PS has refused an afternoon nap. From what I've read this usually doesn't happen til 18 months or so? So she has been going to bed super early, like 6:30. Monday night she slept 6:30pm-5am silently, then woke up and slept in with Daddy til 7:30. Last night she went down at 6:30 and was SCREAMING at 8. It took 15 mins of us doing everything we could possibly think of before she stopped. She looked so scared. I checked her temp (97.8) and gave Tylenol just in case something was hurting but my gut says she was scared.

Evidently achieving new milestones (verbally here - like 5 new words this last week) can bring on nightmares/terrors. And DH tells me he had them as a kid. Yuck!

Anyone have any experience with this?

14 months today

14 months old on Valentine's Day!  So sweet.

Quick update for posterity - at 14 months Pipsqueak can:

-say 9 words consistently and with the correct meanings- Dada, Mama, Kitty-Cat, Again, Water, Ball Ball, Cheese, Pop-Pop, and Bye-Bye.  Says oh so many words that I cannot understand for the life of me.

-RUN.   Literally runs away and faster than me.  She is a speedster.

-put herself to sleep at night and even for most naps.

-Sleeping 10-11 hours straight at night in her crib - usually from 7:30pm-6am.  SO GLAD the 4:30am wakeups seems to be fading away.  6am seems a simply luxurious sleeping in at this point!!!!

-napping one huge nap midday (2-3 hours, usually 11am-2pm), and usually another 30-60 min nap late afternoon although sometimes she skips this.

-feeds herself for many meals - LOVES finger foods - especially shredded cheese, iron kids bread, deli meats, green beans, hummus.  Still is loving pouches of baby veggies and fruits, and allows me to spoon feed her yogurt and gerber baby purees.

She is still breast feeding 3-4 times a day.  I really don't know how I am going to wean her, the kid loves it.  DH and I are going on an 11 day vacation to Hawaii in June while my parents stay with the baby so we have to wean by then.  I guess I won't worry about it until May :-)

Every Tuesday morning we go to story time at the local library and she loves it.  We are starting swimming lessons in April and I have begun researching gymanstics classes.  It is so nice having the freedom to schedule so many activities and play dates...I am really starting to see the upside of only having one child.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

13+ months

Life is good here.  Little update for myself more than anything:

-Pipsqueak is sleeping 7pm-5am straight almost every night (I'd love to have her sleep later but I can't argue with 10 hours straight!).

- Still nursing - 2-6 times a day depending on what's going on.  Some days I love that I am still breast-feeding and other days I feel done.  So far so good, I don't see us completely stopping anytime soon.

-She is eating solid food 4-5 times a day.  She LOVES squeezable pouches of fruits and veggies, not such a big fan of fresh produce.  I bought some reusable pouches to make some homemade purees - I hope she likes them!  She also loves yogurt, hummus, cheerios, deli ham, teddy grahams, cheese, shredded beef, sweet potatoes, puffs and bites of whatever Mommy and Daddy are having.

- She is taking her iron like a champ.  We make sure to brush her teeth right after (it can stain teeth brown) and she can't have milk 30 mis before and after.

-She says the following words consistently - kitty, mama, dada, again, and her first sentence - "BYE BYE DADA!" accompanied with waving both hands.  She says it all day long LOL.

-She RUNS - started walking at 9.5 months and seems to be very ahead with physical development.  This makes me inordinately proud.  I know I have nothing to do with it.

-I have debated swimming or gymnastics lessons but haven't started either.  We have become regulars at the weekly baby (9-18 month) read-in at the local library.  Just recently she has started sitting through entire books and bringing me books to read.  I am so excited - I love reading and really want her to love it as well.

Having a toddler is much more fun than having a baby I think.  Easier and harder in different ways but just more FUN!

One year and sick!

We are at the in-laws for her 1st birthday and the holidays - and she has her first bad cold :-(. Her party is tomorrow so I hope she rebounds quickly!!!

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Mommy's bad night

Pipsqueak slept ok last night but I didn't...well she slept a good amount just not at the hours I had hoped for.  6:10pm-4:20am.  With just small fussing that didn't require intervention in between.  I, however was miserable.  I slept 8pm-12am and then had nightmares/panic attacks/restless leg/something.  I kept just falling asleep and then hearing her cry or imagining her falling out of her crib.  I finally woke my husband up at 2 and told him if I didn't get some sleep I was going to have to be admitted to the psych ward.  So he sent me to the guest room.  When she woke for the day at 4:20 (man 4:20 used to mean something way more fun...) he woke me up. We laid in the guest room nursing. When I went to flip her over my hand touched poo. Major blow out all over the bed. At this point I laughed.

She then napped from 6:15-7am.  Just long enough for me to fantasize about napping.

So how do I get her to sleep later in the morning?  Keeping her up later doesn't seem to help at all....although we have only kept her up until 8pm here and there, not on consecutive nights.  Any ideas?

Ramblings

First snowfall yesterday!  Pipsqueak loved it (I know this because the good mother that I am I took her out in it dressed in only pjs and danced around).

Thanksgiving was awesome - my family came here and we ate, drank, watched movies and played Wii all weekend.

TEETHING has recommenced.  That pic of her ghost teeth should have been a big flashing neon sign saying "OMG IT'S ABOUT TO GET SO BAD".  She is fussy, clingy and sleeping poorly.  She had been doing 12+hours in her crib at night - not now.  2 nights ago was the worst - she slept 7pm-12am then cried.  I could see she was still lying down and crying quietly so I let her fuss on and off for about 45 mins then got her.  I nursed her, rocked her, and put her back down.  45 mins later she was SCREAMING.  I was so tired by this point that I brought her to bed with me and she nursed on and off til morning.  Ahh the good old days.  Last night she slept 6pm-3am straight without fussing which was a huge improvement - BUT then was screaming so I nursed her again and put her back down in the crib awake.  She settled herself down and went to sleep.  But was then awake and dancing/crying at 4:45.

I am blaming the teeth.  Her top two middle ones are both about 25% pushed through and there are several other white bumps on her gums.  I think once the major drama behind them is over we will have to do a little sleep training update.  And by 'we' I mean Daddy - it is just too hard for me - if I go to her I have to nurse her.  But I DO NOT want her to get used to a nighttime feed again.  She is almost one for Christ's sake!!!

I hope everyone had a great holiday!

Mystery teeth

So I think Pipsqueak is teething - unexplained fever Monday of 102.7 - pediatrician thought maybe a virus but no other symptoms.  She has been fussy this week and waking overnight between 4-5am crying.  Yesterday I was taking some holiday photos and in one of them she appeared to have several teeth on top (in actuality she only has 2 bottom teeth).  Upon seeing the picture I immediately examined her mouth and nope, some teeth getting ready to emerge maybe but definitely not poking out like in the picture.  Scary ghost teeth.  

36

Only thrity-six days left of my baby being a BABY!  OMG that scares me.

But the writing IS on the wall.  She is now (kind of sort of almost perfectly) using a sippy cup with whole milk in it.   She is going 14 hours at night with no breast-feeding.  She is sleeping 12 hours straight (added just in case you haven't read my last 3 million posts on sleep).  She walks up to about 12 steps before falling.  She feeds herself most of the time (and definitely prefers that to me feeding her).  She flirts.  She responds to us and seems to understand most of everything we say.  She says Dada, Mama, Nine (sounds German, unsure exactly what she means.  Possibly no because it usually comes out when she is mad).  I think she is saying kitty cat (sounds like 'kekeka").

Having a toddler sounds so odd.

My supply is definitely waning.  She will nurse for an hour trying to milk me more.  Evidently the up all night nursing fests were what was keeping my supply up.  So it is for sure the beginning of the end here - thus why we are introducing small amounts (1-3 oz total for the day) of whole milk now so she can start getting used to it (my pediatrician recommended it!).

Once we have fully weaned I will let my body adjust for a few months and then it is time to get re-checked with the RE.  I am DYING to know what my FSH level is.  It was always around 7 until our IVF cycle when it was like 11.2.  We had 19 eggs retrieved so I evidently have eggs...I hope that number was a fluke and it's back down to normal.  Also hubs needs to have a new SA - I know those results can change greatly both negatively and positively over time.

Have a great day after election day!  We have a playdate with some friends today.

Best. Night. Ever. - Night 2 of 'sleep training'

I did a lot of research (a.k.a. googling yesterday) about sleep training.  The thing I read that made me most happy is to tackle the night first, then move on to naps.  While sleep training it is best that they get good naps and are well-rested.  So yesterday she took her first nap in her crib for about an hour and half.  Nap 2 in the afternoon was in my lap on the couch - two hours.

Last night I could tell she was getting tired at 6:30 pm (always goes down early when she has 2 naps - with 3 naps shes up til 9 or 10).  We went up to the nursery.  I nursed her, then rocked her while humming. She was asleep in about 10 minutes.  I rocked her for a few more minutes and put her down. Over the next few hours I heard her fuss momentarily, saw her flip over and stick her butt up in the air (cutest thing ever-see pic below), but never cry.  She didn't wake up crying until 3:45!!!!!!  That is the longest she has ever slept - 8.75 hours straight!

I went in and picked her up (I guess we can't call what we are doing cry it out exactly, more like fuss it out).  She was crying and had been asleep longer than she ever had so I nursed her and rocked her.  I put her down before she was completely asleep though.  And she fussed and rocked while holding onto the siderails for only about 2 minutes before she laid down and PUT HERSELF TO SLEEP!

My husband was mad that I nursed her because we really want to end the night feeds but nursing once at night sure beats 6-8 times a night which had been her norm recently!

Obviously I know our sleep drama is not over completely, but we are sure making strides.  She and I can both do this, if we get off track at some point we just have to jump back in.

Well we did it

A little Cry It Out.  At 10+ months I think it must be less harmful right?  Let the night-weaning begin!

Crib at 9pm
Woke at 12am - cried on and off for an hour - hubby went in 3 times to comfort her but not pick her up.  Just stroked her head and patted her butt.  He said she went from standing at the rail screaming, to just swaying back and forth fussing, to silently swaying, then laid down and went to sleep.
Woke at 6:45 - I nursed her and rocked her.  She fell asleep in my arms and I tried to lay her back down but she cried so we got up for the day.

Where was I during the night cries?  In the guest room, a unisom and a beer in my belly, with white noise drowning out the crying.  I highly recommend this.  9 hours straight of sleep.  My body is in shock and awe.  My brain feels alive for the first time in MONTHS.

Tonight it is my turn.  I plan on wearing a high neckline tight top to disallow access to the ladies.  Wish me luck--I am definitely not as strong as my husband so I hope I don't buckle.  BUT even if I suck at it at least we know she is able to put herself to sleep - she is just stubborn and likes our help.

Thank you! (and a visit to the pumpkin patch)

It was good to hear your sleep struggles and to get suggestions.  Thank you very much.  Last night I was so tired - and she was sacked out on her daddy's chest after a trying day at the pumpkin patch - so I just took her to bed with me.  We both slept pretty good - I did have to whip one out a few times but I barely roused for that.  :-)  My DH and I are planning on night weaning "in a few days when we are not so tired".  LOL.  Before her 1st birthday is my goal.

Here are a few pics from the pumpkin patch!

SLEEP

The one and only thing I have been consitently worried about, the only thing that makes me cry, the thing that stresses my marriage and my ability to be a good mother - sleep.  Or lack thereof.

I'm sure it's my fault.  I think my husband thinks that.  I am fairly certain my in-laws think that.

We exclusively breastfeed (in case you missed my novel on the subject yesterday!).  The first few weeks into the first few months the experts recommend feeding on demand.  It's good for the baby and good for your supply.  That means if the newborn wants to nurse every hour all night long you do it.  I actually handled this pretty well.  I mean every newborn is up all night right?

My struggle is our 10 month old nurses 2-3 times a night still.  Or like last night - 6 times. SIX.

My mom said she is probably going through a growth spurt, she just learned to walk and is getting a new tooth and that disrupts sleep and makes them seek comfort.  Ok yes I know that is a possibility.  But it has been going on for 2+weeks now.  AAAAHHHHH

From birth - 6 months she slept in bed with us all night every night, and actually took almost all of her naps in our arms.  She would wake up anytime we laid her down.  I didn't really mind and neither did my husband.  We put the glider in the living room and would watch tv on mute with subtitles while she slept.

At 6 months something changed and she wouldn't wake up when laid down.  ALLELUIA!  She was able to be put in her pack n play for naps, sometimes even her crib althought that seemed to be more difficult.

Starting at 9 months we got her in her crib for most naps and in her crib for the first shift of the night.  Usually from 8/9ish-12/1ish.  Almost always a 4 hour stretch.  When she wakes up crying I bring her to our bed, nurse her, and she used to sleep until morning.  Lately I bring her to my bed, she nurses and falls asleep, and then tries to nurse every hour or so.  Last night I slept with my breasts both hanging out and she snacked while I slept.

I think I know what I need to do.  Try to get her to stay in the crib all night long.  I wouldn't be adverse to letting her fuss/cry a little when she wakes up to see if she will get herself back down but the second she wakes up she jumps up, dances back and forth while holding on to the side, and yells.  That is not restful behavior.

Tonight I am going to try to just rock her back to sleep and get her back into her crib when she wakes at about midnight. The problem is I'm lazy and have never fully wakened myself in the night to soothe a baby - co-sleeping means I have comforted her half-asleep all these months.

I guess I don't really have any questions, I just wanted to vent.  I don't want to set my daughter up for failure in sleep habits in the future.  We have made HUGE strides - she can sleep by herself.  She cannot soothe herself to sleep however.  I never did the whole "put them in the crib drowsy but awake" thing.  I tried it the other day and she jumped up and laughed.  Is she going to be damaged from this?

Mostly I want to hear stories about your struggles.  Misery loves company and I need some.

I just told the abbreviated version of this to a friend at work and she told me all her kids slept through the night at 8 weeks.  Umm yeah, that is very helpful.  Thanks so much.

Thoughts on breast feeding a 10 month old+

To start this post I want to state that I think formula is a fine choice, babies grow up healthy on it, and moms who choose (or are forced to choose) to give their babies formula are wonderful mothers.

Our breastfeeding journey was tumultuous at first and since has been fairly smooth sailing.  And I feel that any bumps in the road are completely and utterly worth the benefits to both me and my baby.

Day 1- I was on a mag drip, recovering from a 12 hour induction turned emergency c-section.  They brought me my premature 5lb 12oz baby girl and tried to get her latched on the breast.  This was still in the recovery phase after the surgery I believe (mag makes everything blurry and hard to remember).  As her lips were coming at my nipples I saw that the nurse had taped these straw like things to my breast.  I said, "Is that formula?".  She pulled the baby away (probably sensing that I was not ok with this plan, actually probably deciding then and there that I was a LACTIVIST) and said, "With premature babies like yours they don't have a proper suck reflex.  We have standing orders to add formula to get them interested."  Standing orders people.  DON'T TELL THE MOTHERS!  I mean seriously!  I know it (almost definintely) wouldn't have hurt her but the lack of communication astounded me.

The nurse then untaped the formula straws and helped me get Pipsqueak latched on.  Which she did very well thank you very much!!  Everyone was impressed with her suck reflex.  HAHA!  Point one for my babe! (I was unbelievably proud of her)

Days 2-4 - My milk was not yet coming in.  Since she had been rushed to NICU blue, not breathing and limp with an Apgar of 2 (read THIS POST for all of the gory details) she had an IV in her hand and had been receiving iv fluids with a small amount of glucose in them.  They took out the IV on day 3 I believe.  Day 4 my milk still wasn't really in (it takes longer for C-section moms!) so they kept checking her blood sugar, telling me she would need formula if it dropped.  Obviously I verbalized my displeasure with that plan.  Well her blood sugar stayed in the 80s.  (Again I was as proud of her as if she had won the Nobel Prize).  Her pediatrician came by and told me she had a borderline high bilirubin.  I forget the number exactly but it was barely high at all.  He said they'd recheck it in the morning and if it went up it would be no big deal - just a day under the bili lights.

Day 5 - This was the day I was put to the test.  At 5am my night nurse came in and told me her bilirubin had risen (still not that high, maybe 14?) and she would have to have formula.  I freaked - in that way that only hormonally charged new mothers can freak.  I cried so hard I literally lost my breath with choking.  I told her the pediatrician hadn't said that, and that I absolutely refused to consent to fomula.  I made my husband go home and get my mom and bring her back to the hospital - poor woman, after 3 nights in the hospital with me she was finally sleeping in a bed and not a rocking chair and I interrupted it.  Sorry Mom!

You may be asking yourself why the fuck I was so hellbent on refusing formula.  It's kind of funny, if it happened right now I may just let them give her a bottle to shut them up but I had just finished reading a book about breastfeeding - 7 simple laws for breastfeeding - and it just stuck in my mind.  Any introduction of formula can increase the chance for food allergies, can decrease my supply etc.  I was really worked up.  I think the biggest reason was so much of this pregnancy was out of my hands - the conception, the bed rest, scary high blood pressure, induction and csection.  THIS was something I could control damn it!

The on-call ped that day was a BIATCH.  I so missed the nice gentleman from the previous days.  She pretty much lectured us for 20 minutes.  Even said, "In some cases we get a court order for a feeding tube".  My husband replied, "is that a threat?".  That shut her up. I mean REALLY.  She was dumb.  Either that or she had formula fed her children (which is FINE!) and felt defensive.  I don't know.  I can say that I really wanted to call her up a few days later when the news reports came out about some newborns dying from tainted formula.  Man oh man did I want to talk to her about that.

We had the baby under the bili lights that day constantly for 12 hours other than for 30 min feeds every 3 hours.  There was all this talk about DEHYDRATION and SHE MUST PEE or she will need another IV or FORMULA because YOUR MILK HASN'T COME IN ENOUGH.  Big words from small people.  Luckily my milk began to come in in earnest.  I also had a couple of caring nurses who helped me pump and syringe feed breast milk after she was done nursing.  She kept peeing and the lights lowered her bili.  WIN!

Once we got home things were WAY easier.  Less stressful and more calming which helped.  There was a 2-3 week period where I gave pumped milk exclusively because I thought she was having nippled confusion but it actually ended up being reflux.

At 10+ months I can say the only drawback at this point is I think sleep is more challenging with an exclusively breastfed infant.  She wants comfort in the night and the most comforting thing on the planet evidently is my tits.  Who knew?  I plan on a whole sleep post soon so I will go into details later.

I plan on continuing breast feeding at least til a year, hopefully longer.  We have talked about maybe trying IVF again next summer so that would mean weaning her in spring I suppose.  For now I am not thinking about it too much.  My ped told me that she can have some whole milk starting at 10 months so I am relieved that the pressure of my frozen stash is going away.  It is down to only about 20 oz so it's nice to know my husband can supplement with milk while I'm at work (but I hope to hold off til 12 months for this).

Here is a quick list of the positives I have experienced with breastfeeding this past year:

-weight loss
-my cholesterol and triglycerides have lowered considerably (from high normal to perfect)
-my good cholesterol has risen
-my daughter has not had a single cold or illness

It is not always easy, and at times can feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders but I think it's worth it.  The days of pumping in a closet space at work will soon be behind me but I think the positive health results will last both Pipsqueak and I for years to come. (that ended sappily I am sorry.  Also I am sorry for the length of this post.  WOWZERS)

Sleep update (thank you)

First off thanks to everyone for sounding off on sleep. I knew that everyone probably struggles with this at some point (and if you don't then count your blessings!) and would have some perspective.

One comment really hit home - that there are very few teenagers waking up crying in the night. Thank you Brandy!!! This really lightened my load somehow. I mean, we all figure it out. My mom co-slept and breast fed me until I was 3 (such a rebel in the early 80s! Hi mom!) and she said I then transitioned to my big girl bed and falling asleep on my own. Now I will probably wean pipsqueak sometime soon after her first birthday and try to move her to her crib soon thereafter.


In the meantime I want my little girl to start to learn some self-soothing techniques. One thing I read about is a transitional item? Like a soothie or blankie? Last night we slept in bed together with her stuffed frog in between us. By morning she had tossed it aside and was snuggled up against my back. Lol she loves to snuggle!

But some progress people. First off I did not rock her or embrace her to help her drift off. I put her far away from me in the bed (we have guardrails up) and I turned away from her. She had her paci, her frog and was covered up with a sheet. (holy hell it's hot here!!). She got herself to sleep! She talked to herself, kicked around a little, and then I heard her furiously sucking on the paci. 10 minutes later I use my iPhone light to spy on her and she was sound asleep! Maybe this is no big deal to some but I felt a victory!

We are gonna give her a few days off from the crib. I realized that she has almost never slept in her crib before this week and we let her cry twice in it now. So she is associating her crib with scary and aloneness. In a few days I will restart safe naps there. And maybe let her play in it wide awake? It's got to be a positive experience.

I feel guilty that we tried CIO. This parenting thing is hard!

I did realize one very big positive about having a baby with no strict nap/bed schedule : we can take her to concerts! July 3 we took her to an outdoor Dark Star Orchestra concert. She LOVED it! Total hippie this one! She danced in our arms, hummed along and then fell asleep on her daddy with no drama. We stayed til 11:30!