We have always wanted 3 or 4 kids. Our desire for a large family has not changed since getting our infertility diagnosis...but it has made us a wee bit more practical. We cannot afford 4 IVF cycles in the next 8 years..well, except for 3 cycle plus plans but that is for one baby, so I guess I mean we cannot afford 4 successful IVF attempts.
SO we have been talking about pursuing 1-2 pregnancies by doing dIUI, 1-2 pregnancies by doing IVF with ICSI. Is this insane? Will DH subconsciously favor his genetic children? Will any donor children we have sense a small inkling of detachment from their father? DH swears this wouldn't happen. BUT how can he know? Just the fact that he says that he we could "do donor now then do IVF later", doesn't that show that although he is open to using donor sperm that he ultimately wants his 'own' child? And is that so wrong? Are we crazy to use donor when there are other options? Should we just wait a year and then try IVF and keep donor as a backup option? Or is it crazy to wait? We could do a dIUI attempt in the next couple of months.
I am leaning toward trying dIUI soon...I know it is the crazy infertile inside of me but the idea of waiting 11-13 months makes me crazy! Every month my eggs are abandoning ship! Although I am still relatively young, if we wait a year I will jump from 29 to 30. That year difference probably won't affect our chances for our first pregnancy attempt (well actually our millionth but our first attempt that has a fucking chance of working) but that pushes every subsequent pregnancy attempt back a year. That could ultimately reduce our family size. AUGH!!!
On the other hand if we wait a year and try IVF we can delay or possibly completely avoid using donor gametes. Maybe we will get incredibly lucky and get pregnant with twins on our first IVF attempt?? OR we could spend a year exhausting the entire 3 cycle plus option (3 fresh, 3 frozen if applicable) and STILL not have a baby. We would get about 70% of our money back and would most likely then progress to dIUI. TWO years from now. Then I'd be 32.
I NEED A CRYSTAL BALL!!!
ALSO I know that these are all just ideas...we both keep assuming that because I have thus far checked out okay that I will be able to get pregnant with IUIs. That's naive. We could be spectacularly unsuccessful. THAT WOULD BE A SHOCKER!
Okay, deep breath.
This "thinking things out and coming to terms with our emotions" isn't really going very well. I want a plan. I NEED a plan. Hopefully we will have one soon. Perhaps you fellow Stirrup Queens can help me? ANY advice is welcome, except the 'just relax' one, I have that one covered.
Thanks in advance. I understand that no one can make this decision but DH and me...but we need help.
SO we have been talking about pursuing 1-2 pregnancies by doing dIUI, 1-2 pregnancies by doing IVF with ICSI. Is this insane? Will DH subconsciously favor his genetic children? Will any donor children we have sense a small inkling of detachment from their father? DH swears this wouldn't happen. BUT how can he know? Just the fact that he says that he we could "do donor now then do IVF later", doesn't that show that although he is open to using donor sperm that he ultimately wants his 'own' child? And is that so wrong? Are we crazy to use donor when there are other options? Should we just wait a year and then try IVF and keep donor as a backup option? Or is it crazy to wait? We could do a dIUI attempt in the next couple of months.
I am leaning toward trying dIUI soon...I know it is the crazy infertile inside of me but the idea of waiting 11-13 months makes me crazy! Every month my eggs are abandoning ship! Although I am still relatively young, if we wait a year I will jump from 29 to 30. That year difference probably won't affect our chances for our first pregnancy attempt (well actually our millionth but our first attempt that has a fucking chance of working) but that pushes every subsequent pregnancy attempt back a year. That could ultimately reduce our family size. AUGH!!!
On the other hand if we wait a year and try IVF we can delay or possibly completely avoid using donor gametes. Maybe we will get incredibly lucky and get pregnant with twins on our first IVF attempt?? OR we could spend a year exhausting the entire 3 cycle plus option (3 fresh, 3 frozen if applicable) and STILL not have a baby. We would get about 70% of our money back and would most likely then progress to dIUI. TWO years from now. Then I'd be 32.
I NEED A CRYSTAL BALL!!!
ALSO I know that these are all just ideas...we both keep assuming that because I have thus far checked out okay that I will be able to get pregnant with IUIs. That's naive. We could be spectacularly unsuccessful. THAT WOULD BE A SHOCKER!
Okay, deep breath.
This "thinking things out and coming to terms with our emotions" isn't really going very well. I want a plan. I NEED a plan. Hopefully we will have one soon. Perhaps you fellow Stirrup Queens can help me? ANY advice is welcome, except the 'just relax' one, I have that one covered.
Thanks in advance. I understand that no one can make this decision but DH and me...but we need help.
Try IVF first, maybe you'll have twins and have additonal embryo's for FET's!
ReplyDeleteWe are considering DIUI since our first IVF only produced 1 mature egg. I have the same fears with donor. Will hubby connect with them, will he feel cheated, will he always be reminded he cant have his own kids naturally. OR, will he even care about these things once he see's the baby?
I would also vote for IVF and ICSI. The chance of twins is higher, and you may find that one or two is enough.
ReplyDeleteWe almost went with dIUI. But Hubby's desire for a biological child was very strong, and he eventually decided he wanted to do IVF instead. On the other hand, the bloggers I follow who have had dIUI seem to have no problems connecting with the child. Once the child is born, it is their child, and the donor is almost forgotten.
Talk with your hubby and see what he is most comfortable doing. I sort of left it up to him to decide and told him I would support whatever decision.
Here from the L&F. We also want 3 kids and also don't know if that will come about. I'm currently 7 mos. pregnant with #1 after using dIUI.
ReplyDeleteWe chose to go with dIUIs for a couple of reasons. First, DH has some genetic issues that we were concerned about passing on. Second, going forward with IVF meant probably a year on hold so that I could lose enough weight to get down to my clinic's limits. Third, DH was not all a huge fan of having to undergo surgery to harvest his sperm.
Ultimately, dIUIs made more sense to us. The problem though is that as logical as you can get, this is still a hugely emotional issue. Even though I know DH already loves this baby (before it's even been born); I worry that he'll want to pursue IVF for subsequent kids, even though our reasons for using DS will still exist.
For what it's worth, DH fell in love with our baby at the very first ultrasound. This is his baby - biologically-related or not. I don't think having a biologically-related child would change his love for this one; it's just that the idea of passing on your own genes is very strong.
I hope that I haven't brought up more problems for you. I hope that you two come to peace with whatever you decide.
This is no easy decision. Hubby and I also had this conversation in the early days of our treatment. We were told that either we could go dIUI or try putting my hubby on meds for anywhere from 12-24 months to see if we could get sperm. We decided to try the meds. It took 9 months, and we now have sperm and have just had our first IVF (didn't work!)
ReplyDeleteWe discussed having our first child using DS while hubby was on the meds so we could get started and in the end decided against it. we felt that the DS child might feel less loved becuase after having them we then had a biological child. We felt that doing it the other way around would be easier on the kids. Basically we had bio kids and wanted more and so were open to using DS to get you (the second child).
This was just our thinking and only you and your hubby can really know what will work best for you. You and your hubby have to keep talking, don't stop. The more you discuss this the clearer your feelings on the matter will become.
I want to wish you all the very best with your decision and with getting your dream to come true.
Thank you for the comment on my blog!
ReplyDeleteI have to say, these are some very emotional questions to walk through, and all completely valid. I'm glad that you and DH are on such similar pages, but that you're still thinking through everything so cautiously. I'm impressed, this is such a difficult process.
I echo what others have said about the possibility of twins with IVF, but you never know. And you have to do what's right for both of you. Good luck in your decision! Keep us updated, I'll definitely be following.