Edited to add: I was very upset when I wrote this but I still want to post it. It was written on my blackberry and I debated whether or not to post it. Because I view this blog as a diary of sorts I want to remember these feelings. I think me and my husband will be okay, but things aren't better yet.
Written 1/1/11 8:04 am
I am mid flight right now from visiting family on the east coast for the new year. My face is red, blotchy, my eyes are swollen, I have mascara all over my face, my nose is stopped up and I am getting sympathetic glances from a soldier in the next aisle. Yep, I'm crying. I'm so frustrated right now that if I wasn't on a plane I'd go outside and yell "Fuck me" as loud as I possibly could.
Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me.
I seriously just hate this fucking bitch called hope. And it's starting to make me resent the one person I thought I could count on because he is the one who keeps offering hope and then seemingly snatching it back.
He keeps telling me to be sympathetic, to be sensitive to his feelings. But I'm not a fucking mind reader and I'm sick to fucking death of his changing his mind.
It all started when I told him today that we should narrow down our choices and decide on a donor in the next 1-2 weeks to ensure that everything is there on time and there are no problems. Suddenly I'm "pressuring him" and being "stressful".
He says, "Maybe we'll try this month, maybe we won't" all casually.
Fuck fuck fuck.
See I thought when he said he was ready, he was ready. EXCUSE me for not reading into that statement all sensitively and understandingly. EXCUSE me for actually taking what he said at face value.
He asked me if any husbands in this situation that I've read about have ever had second thoughts. I said of course but not usually after they finally come to the decision...but that I'd read of one couple in which the husband actually changed his mind in the REs office right before the insemination. He said he completely understands that because you never know how you'll feel until you're in that moment. I am in no fucking way gonna do this and be wondering at the last minute if he's gonna back out.
I just can't stop crying and my face is chapped from the shitty airline napkins.
We are pretty much giving each other the silent treatment.
God I don't know what to do but I know I can't do this for much longer.
The best part? He asked me how I'd feel if we are never able to have kids. I said, "I'd probably be okay but I would be sad for the rest of my life." He then said I should go back to counseling. OOOOH I never thought of that. Counseling! Of course! They will make it better. I bet I won't want kids at all after talking to them! What a genius fucking idea Einstein fuck face.
I wish to God this had never happened to us. We are not any closer for it. I am so filled with sorrow right now. Hate is even sneaking in there. I feel so awful.
I might take a break from blogging. I'm at the end of my rope right now.
Written 1/1/11 8:04 am
I am mid flight right now from visiting family on the east coast for the new year. My face is red, blotchy, my eyes are swollen, I have mascara all over my face, my nose is stopped up and I am getting sympathetic glances from a soldier in the next aisle. Yep, I'm crying. I'm so frustrated right now that if I wasn't on a plane I'd go outside and yell "Fuck me" as loud as I possibly could.
Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me.
I seriously just hate this fucking bitch called hope. And it's starting to make me resent the one person I thought I could count on because he is the one who keeps offering hope and then seemingly snatching it back.
He keeps telling me to be sympathetic, to be sensitive to his feelings. But I'm not a fucking mind reader and I'm sick to fucking death of his changing his mind.
It all started when I told him today that we should narrow down our choices and decide on a donor in the next 1-2 weeks to ensure that everything is there on time and there are no problems. Suddenly I'm "pressuring him" and being "stressful".
He says, "Maybe we'll try this month, maybe we won't" all casually.
Fuck fuck fuck.
See I thought when he said he was ready, he was ready. EXCUSE me for not reading into that statement all sensitively and understandingly. EXCUSE me for actually taking what he said at face value.
He asked me if any husbands in this situation that I've read about have ever had second thoughts. I said of course but not usually after they finally come to the decision...but that I'd read of one couple in which the husband actually changed his mind in the REs office right before the insemination. He said he completely understands that because you never know how you'll feel until you're in that moment. I am in no fucking way gonna do this and be wondering at the last minute if he's gonna back out.
I just can't stop crying and my face is chapped from the shitty airline napkins.
We are pretty much giving each other the silent treatment.
God I don't know what to do but I know I can't do this for much longer.
The best part? He asked me how I'd feel if we are never able to have kids. I said, "I'd probably be okay but I would be sad for the rest of my life." He then said I should go back to counseling. OOOOH I never thought of that. Counseling! Of course! They will make it better. I bet I won't want kids at all after talking to them! What a genius fucking idea Einstein fuck face.
I wish to God this had never happened to us. We are not any closer for it. I am so filled with sorrow right now. Hate is even sneaking in there. I feel so awful.
I might take a break from blogging. I'm at the end of my rope right now.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know I haven't been in your current situation with picking a donor, but DH and I went through a similar period of just being at wits end with each other. I was so angry with him all the time for not understanding my needs and my emotions about all the IF shit. I'm sorry he told you to see a counselor, seems like that all they can say when they don't know how to comfort us. I eventually did go back to a therapist and I'm still seeing one now. We did couples counseling for several months and it helped, but I realized DH will never feel the way that I do nor have the same desire and hopes that I do. It's just not in them to feel the way we do about being a mother and being pregnant. Know I'm thinking of you and wishing I could hug you right now.
ReplyDelete:( My DH and I have been through the same thing. It sucks. Noboday wants to have to go the donor route. DH went back and forth. Finally it was getting close to when we had to make a decision, we had a heart to heart - a bit on the angry side though - and although DH didn't want us to do it (and I expressed I didn't "want" it either), we didn't have any other options because DH was absolutely against having TESE surgery and ICSI. He said he wanted me to be happy and to do what I wanted. I took this as his way of allowing it to happen while not being "for" it.
ReplyDeleteYou gotta do what you gotta do.
I still have doubts. I don't want this to ruin our marriage. I want us to be strong.
Oh, this is so hard. I feel for you.
Hang in there.
I remember getting so mad at my hubby for just not SHOWING how hard this all was when I couldn't even get out of bed. It was rough. But he was actually first on board for DS. None of this is easy, and I pray you two are able to find a middle ground and work through everything. I am so sorry this is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're going through this. Jeff was very against DS in the beginning. I wish I knew the magic words that made him change his mind.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you.
*hugs* I am so sorry. Take all the time you need. I hope he comes back around.
ReplyDeleteAwww Jeez, This was such a hard post read and I can only imagine that it is painful and sad for you right now. I read this last night and didn't have any words. But you've been in my thoughts and I hope that things have gotten better, at least a little.
ReplyDeleteThis is not about you - not about him. It is about both of you as a couple and each of you as individuals, all at the same time. It is one of the first times when both ML and I have been experiencing emotions so powerful with the same intensity. More often there are things that affect me and he is there to comfort or vice versa. This infertility is so different than that, the balancing of each others needs with our own takes SO much work.
It may not have been the right thing for your love to say at the time, but counseling has been, for me, a lifeline. ML and I went together every week for a year after the diagnosis, and now I go every few weeks and ML comes every third time or so.
Take all the time you need away from the blog. But know that you will be missed, and that I'll be thinking about you. And that if you ever want to talk, I am here, feel free to call anytime. anytime.
sending you love and strength and lots of big hugs. -foxy
OK - hold everything!
ReplyDeleteLet's go back to the male factor issues - this is our "problem" too and I am wondering if you guys looked into trying to get his counts up. We have been working on it... a lot, and some tests have shown better results. If you want some more info on this, email me so we can chat. There are things that can be done/taken to help with his numbers... all hope is not lost on that front.
Now, back to what you and your husband are going through right now. Knowing how hard it is for a man to admit that he's ever "in the wrong" or that something about him could be "the" problem, I am sure what your husband is going through is fear and his own expression of sadness. It's hard enough for us to deal with infertility as a woman, but as a man, it's a whole different set of madness. Perhaps he's the one that should go to counselling and you can join as a couple to work through this sadness and your fears. It won't solve what is reality, but it will at least give you better tools to mange your way through the storm.
Infertility can be a horribly distructive process to go through, but it doesn't have to destroy the love between two people - though it often tests those limits too.
Take a deep breath, do some research and know that you are in the middle of a process, though this point may suck, it won't last forever, I promise.
Thinking of you!!