Ramblings

I told my hubby yesterday if I could snap my fingers and be pregnant right now I would. Clearly I am suffering from some sort of baby love addiction and need professional help.

I heard "I Will Survive", the Cake version, recently and it kinda sums up how I feel about infertility/pregnancy hunger right now. I never thought it would come back so soon. (I should've changed my fucking locks) BUT I am also putting 99.9% of my energy toward my baby, and really only the .1% toward thoughts of IF (now I'm saving all my lovin for someone who's lovin me). Okay wow that was cheesy.

We have an appt today with a pediatric GI specialist. She is still diagnosed as having acid reflux and was switched from Zantac to Axid 3 weeks ago. She was on probiotics for 3 weeks with no improvement, we use Colief drops for possible lactase problems with every feed and she still cries at maybe 1/4 of her feedings. Seeing as how it is almost always the evening feeds I sense it is more colic than reflux. But we shall see what the expert says today. Pipsqueak is 3 1/2 months and colic is supposed to get better at 3-4 months so here is hoping!!!

She is napping right now in her swing. Her naps are all over the place - her favorite place to nap by far is in our arms/lap :). She sometimes naps in her crib, sometimes her pack and play, and often just on the couch near us. We are pretty much exclusively co-sleeping at night. She often goes 6-7 hrs btwn feeds at night but recently is eating every 4-5 at night (growth spurt maybe?). I have recently finally figured out how to nurse while lying down. - what a lifesaver!

Still doing exclusive breast milk. She nurses when I'm home and gets bottles when I'm working. Supply is good although I have been taking fenugreek for the past couple of weeks. TMI perhaps but my period started back at 7 weeks postpartum (I was pissed!) and I then had another 26 days later. Guess my body is ready for another one too ;)? Anyway hormone fluctuations during your period can decrease supply and I definitely noticed that. Fenugreek is helping though. During that time I take 3 capsules 3 times a day. I also take thy much when I'm working a 12 hr shift. Or when I just feel low.

She is 15 weeks tomorrow and I simply adore this stage. She is beginning to be able to 'play'. She loves her activity mat - its adorable watching her bat at her toys! Her excersaucer is a hit (although she is still kinda small in it) and she is unsure about her Johnny Jump up - not supposed to use it until 4 months so she will probably get better at it but check out this pic -
She was just sucking on the fabric and tiptoeing around. It was hilarious!

Love to all. Big shout out to some recent BFPs - Leigh and Tina congratulations!!! For everyone cycling now or soon my fingers are crossed or you!

Xoxo

A year ago..

A year ago yesterday was the day I called the RE and my husband and I decided to move forward with IVF...several months earlier than we had planned.

A year ago today was my first appt, and day one of bcp.I can't believe it's been a year. As some of you may remember I was pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. My attitude wasn't exactly negative, I was (I thought) just being realistic and trying to protect myself. I tried not to get my hopes up. I was adamant about doing only one cycle..and if it didn't work I was going to embrace being a DINK. (obviously I have no idea what I really would have done but I really really didn't want to go through IVF again). The night before I POAS I spent about 4 hours on the Internet researching travel to New Zealand..I was so certain the cramps I felt were AF getting ready to start and I had to focus on the future and being childless.The BFP was the biggest shock of my life. Seriously I couldn't have been more shocked...I know it sounds stupid but there it is.

I remember POAS upstairs in my bathroom and seeing the blank white where the test line should be. I was not surprised, and really not even that sad. It was 6dp5dt and I pretty much knew that I should have a positive this day if it had worked. I took the test with me downstairs and was looking through the fridge for something to eat. I turned around and looked at the test on my kitchen counter and it literally took my breath away. There was a faint 2nd line. I called my mom up and said, "I think I might be pregnant". I was shaking. I emailed her a picture and she said I definitely was. I called my hubby and he was so excited! I remained in shock the rest of the day.

It became real when we saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. I (naively) was pretty unafraid of miscarriage after that point. In retrospect I can't believe I wasn't terrified. If I had protected my heart while waiting for the pregnancy test result I certainly was protecting nothing anymore - my hopes were sky high and I would have been devastated had anything happened to the pregnancy.

During the bad morning sickness, the scary pre-eclampsia, the strict on my side 5 weeks of bed rest, the horrible induction with emergency c-section, and the extreme sleep deprivation of the first 6 weeks I was adamant that she would be our "only". I was never going to do this again. We got lucky with IVF working the first time - we have no frozen embryos and I took that as a sign. Out of 19 eggs retrieved we ended up with one perfect embryo (assuming our baby is the 5aa and not the 1bb). But. Now that I have a smiling, laughing 3 month old I am having some disturbing thoughts - I'd like another please. My husband is on board - he has always wanted at least two. But I don't know - it is so overwhelming to even think about. Was my second FSH level that came back elevated indicative of a decreased fertility on my part? Could we ever afford IVF again?

It is easier to just imagine that we are done. I can't fathom IVF while having a baby/toddler. Also morning sickness? God forbid bed rest?

Maybe we should stop while we're ahead.

Then I think "Thank God we did IVF when we did, or she wouldn't be here". "Thank God we picked the RE we did or she wouldn't be here". "Thank God the embryologist picked the sperm she did to inject or she wouldn't be here". You get the picture. A lot of thanking God when I'm not even a religious person.

So what if deciding that we are done means a child of ours that is meant to be doesn't get a chance? What if we had decided not to do IVF? Pipsqueak wouldn't be here. That kills me.

So how do you know when you're done?

Nursery pic

I want to put an asterisk at the end of the quote with a footnote stating "and pursued A.R.T."

Reflux

Poor baby has reflux!

The last few weeks Pipsqueak has been crying while she eats for at least one feeding a day. I thought we were dealing with some nipple confusion - that's why I had switched to mostly bottles. This last week however, she developed a high pitched IN PAIN cry while eating and was grunting all night long even in her sleep.

We took her into urgent care Wednesday night and they diagnosed her with reflux. Since then she has been on zantac twice daily. We are also feeding her while upright (and I'm back to primarily breast feeding so I'm sore from the contortionist moves I'v e been making!), she's sleeping on an incline (we are still mostly co-sleeping so I have raised the head of our bed by placing a rolled up comforter between the mattress and the box spring) and we are also doing gas drops before every feeding.

Yesterday during the day I felt like she was feeling much better. She actually had a long 2 hour stretch of being awake and not fussy in the afternoon (unheard of!). I was able to lay her down for naps (last week she cried whenever she was by herself. Then around 7pm she was crying through her entire meal - she was desperately hungry - rooting around, etc - but cried at breast and bottle. I got about one ounce in her and then soothed her to sleep with a paci and white noise. 2 hours later she took the bottle fine.

I so hope this med helps. It takes up to a week to work. We have her 8 week check up Friday so if it hasn't worked by then I am gonna demand something else. I can't stand seeing her face fall as she realizes that eating makes her hurt. It breaks my heart!!

Anything else I should be doing to help her?? I've also been bicycling her legs to help gas escape.

On a brighter note she weighed 10.02 lbs on Wednesday so she is growing like a weed! Only 1 lb and 8 oz to go to double her birth weight!

7 weeks

 As of 7 weeks she is:

• sleeping 3-4.5 hours at a time at night consistently while in bed with us (less if in her bassinet).  We go upstairs about 10pm, have a bottle and go to sleep.  She then awakens around 2-3am for a bottle and diaper change, and then up again around 6 or 6:30.  We then head downstairs where she naps pretty much until about 10am.
• eating almost exclusively from a bottle (I am pumping, maybe we introduced the bottle too early bc I think we are dealing with nipple confusion. Since I go back to work in 3 weeks it is more important at this point for her to have bottle skills so we may be saying goodbye to the breast completely :( )
• smiling consciously at objects and just starting to laugh!
• still grunting and growling all the time!  Sounds like a piggy :)
• still getting the hiccups a few times a day
• just starting to dislike bath time - she used to love it!
• wearing size 1 diapers (outgrew newborn last week)
• just starting to outgrow her newborn clothes - SO SAD!
• at 5 w 6 d she weighed 8lbs 10 oz which is the 20th percentile but 70th percentile when accounting for her prematurity
• still a redhead :)
• napping in her bassinet by herself ( I so love just letting her nap on my chest that I was afraid she wouldn't ever learn to sleep by herself so this week I have made a conscious effort to give her some solo sleep time.  She is taking 2 naps of approx 45mins-1.5 hrs in her bassinet daily, then several naps in our arms or in her swing.)
• We took our first walks in her stroller this week - it has been in the 60s here!

Hope all is well with everyone.  I read blogs daily but can't always comment because I often have my hands full.  I am rooting for you all.  xoxo

First smiles :)

These make the sleep deprivation worth it!!

I feel rested today! Hubby fed her 2 bottles of expressed breast milk last night and I was able to sleep from 10pm-3:45am!!! That's the longest I've slept Consecutively since I was about 22 weeks pregnant. Bliss!! I looked like Dolly Parton when I woke up though :). I usually am only able to pump 3-4 oz total at a time..well at 4am I pumped 8.5oz!

The first month

Pipsqueak turned one month a few days ago.  Boy time flies - even though I feel like she has always been here it has been such a whirlwind!  I am so deeply in love it's not even funny.  She has everyone wrapped around her finger - especially me and her daddy. Tight on time here and I have a few thoughts I want to get down so I am going to do some bullet points.

• Still exclusively breastfeeding and overall it is going great!  Depending on the day she eats anywhere from every hour to every 4.5 hours.  Since she just passed her due date on the 13th I am not too concerned, she is still catching up!  I pump once a day and get anywhere from 2-5 oz.  We have given her a bottle a few times just to get her used to it and she does great!  Mostly though we are freezing a stash to help when I go back to work in March.
• She weighs over 8 lbs already!  We don't go back to the dr until her 8 week checkup but I have weighed myself and then added the baby and she is at about 8 lbs 2 oz.
• I lost 30 lbs in 10 days after delivery - water weight mostly.  I am now 10-12 lbs above pre IVF weight and I think I have plateaued and will now have to work to lose some.  Not too worried now...breastfeeding makes me so hungry that dieting would be impossible.  I do need to start working out though.  It's just hard when you are SO TIRED!
• Speaking of tired..sleep deprivation sucks!  We have good days and bad days.  She sleeps mostly in bed with us.  This weekend she slept 3-4 hours at a time and went right back down.  Then last night she was up every hour and half.  So that's about what it has been, 2 good nights followed by a bad night.
• She naps for about an hour in her bassinet a couple of times a day and then has a couple of naps on one of us. 
• She smiled AT ME for the first time yesterday and I melted.  

Okay, she is calling for me :)

I hope everyone gets to experience this.  It is amazing and I am rooting for every single one of you!