Hello! Quick recap and update on my crazy thoughts :)
We have been ttc for a year and a half. Luckily we got a diagnosis within a week of our first RE visit; unfortunately it was severe oligospermia. Our only chances for pregnancy are IVF with ICSI or dIUI. We are in the planning/talking/brooding/crying/saving mode now...we flip back and forth regularly as to what path to take...my thought is if we don't know then it is not responsible to move forward. When we go through with some form of ART I want us to be 100% invested and confident that we are making the choice that makes sense for us. Our timeline is the thing that gets us down...my DH is working on his phd and working a stressful corporate job so we are probably not moving forward with any route until next summer.
So here is what is new...these last 2 weeks I have been happy. I mean like really happy - smiling and laughing with coworkers, giggling with my best friend at a bar over silly things, enjoying time with my husband, and most shocking - once again smiling and making faces at babies and kids. This is huge for me...the last few months I avoided eye contact with infants like the plague.
What has changed? Well I think just time has helped me heal, the grief process and what not. But also? I think I have finally allowed myself to imagine my life without children. I was too grief stricken before to even go there. Don't get me wrong, I still want kids. I still plan on trying to have kids. And I know that if I don't have any that a part of me will miss that for my entire life. BUT I think I could be happy with just me and my husband making up our family. I NEVER thought that I would accept that. So that's huge :)
We have been ttc for a year and a half. Luckily we got a diagnosis within a week of our first RE visit; unfortunately it was severe oligospermia. Our only chances for pregnancy are IVF with ICSI or dIUI. We are in the planning/talking/brooding/crying/saving mode now...we flip back and forth regularly as to what path to take...my thought is if we don't know then it is not responsible to move forward. When we go through with some form of ART I want us to be 100% invested and confident that we are making the choice that makes sense for us. Our timeline is the thing that gets us down...my DH is working on his phd and working a stressful corporate job so we are probably not moving forward with any route until next summer.
So here is what is new...these last 2 weeks I have been happy. I mean like really happy - smiling and laughing with coworkers, giggling with my best friend at a bar over silly things, enjoying time with my husband, and most shocking - once again smiling and making faces at babies and kids. This is huge for me...the last few months I avoided eye contact with infants like the plague.
What has changed? Well I think just time has helped me heal, the grief process and what not. But also? I think I have finally allowed myself to imagine my life without children. I was too grief stricken before to even go there. Don't get me wrong, I still want kids. I still plan on trying to have kids. And I know that if I don't have any that a part of me will miss that for my entire life. BUT I think I could be happy with just me and my husband making up our family. I NEVER thought that I would accept that. So that's huge :)
I am so glad to hear you are in a happy place and have found some peace with whatever this journey brings you. That's such a huge step.
ReplyDeleteIt is awesome to hear that you have been able to enjoy life and to laugh. Is it okay to say that I am jealous? I am. I want so much to find a way to bring a little sunshine and joy into my soul.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you've been doing a lot of hard emotional work. Good job!
PS - I don't have pictures on my private blog either, but I too am beautiful :)
My new goal is to get where you are :) To find that part of me that was happy again. You are kind of inspirational in that. Great job on finding that place!
ReplyDeleteHello from ICLW! Our issue was male factor infertility, too. It can be frustrating, and I think my husband felt responsible and that caused issues. Believe me, I heard that I needed to see someone more than once! I'm glad things are looking up!
ReplyDeleteICLW#137
Acceptance and finding peace really are priceless, i am glad to hear you are finding happiness :)
ReplyDeletedropping in from iclw to say hi! i read through some of your posts...i could've actually written some of those posts. we had slight MF and had to do ivf/icsi. and it took a LONG time before i understood that DH was hurting, too--he just processed things more slowly and in a different way than i did.
ReplyDeletei'm glad to hear that you are feeling good--it took me a good 2 1/2 years before i could get to that place!
looking forward to reading more about your journey and wishing you much success!
tina
iclw #172
I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, but I'm happy you're able to still find joy in your life. That's such a big step and I wish you all the best!
ReplyDeletehappy iclw!
ReplyDeleteso great that you are feeling better and have been so happy. :) my husband has severe MF, so we are not able to conceive biological children, and we are adopting from korea. i'm in a way better place now that we are waiting for our son to come home, but boy, 2 years ago, things were UGLY and i was a hot mess, so i am so glad to hear that you are in a good place!
Huge congrats on reaching that level of acceptance. It will make the trying and waiting so much easier (not that it is ever easy). Wishing you lots of luck in the future.
ReplyDelete#28 ICLW
Awesome! I had that "ah ha" feeling a few months ago. I decided to just be happy. I can be happy and want a baby. I don't have to mope around being pathetic. I can be happy in the meantime. It's been wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're happy.
ICLW #117
Visiting from ICLW.
ReplyDeleteMy DH has NOA and we've gone the DS route.
GL moving forward.
so happy to have found your blog, I'm a fellow MFI wife. My hubby has azoospermia due to a Y Chromosome Micro Deletion.
ReplyDeleteI love how peaceful your post sounds, wishing much happiness!
~ICLW
#150
Reaching that point is so important, I was scared to acknowledge it because I didn't want the universe to think I didn't want a baby. I am so glad you are happy!
ReplyDeleteI do sincerely hope that you do have a child someday, soon.
Wow! I find myself trying to picture my life without, I haven't really discovered that I could be truly happy - but I know that a childless life could still be full. 'm amazed by your clam and acceptance. Good Luck.
ReplyDeletewow sounds like you are making good progress on things. Congrats to you.
ReplyDeleteHappy ICLW!
Jess #74