The last few weeks we haven't been talking about how to get pregnant. We've both been busy with work, school (DH is working on his dissertation), yard work, housework, etc., etc., etc. BUT it is always in the back of my mind. I feel much more calm than I did those first few weeks after we got our diagnosis...those days were BAD. I cried every day - at home, at work, in the car, at the market. Not all day, but at some point every day. I'm past that now, I'm going through the grieving process I think...slowly but surely.
Last night I decided I needed to talk about everything, to touch base and see where we are at. DH was open to talking, or at least it seemed like that at first. I asked if he had gotten the results back from his repeat testosterone lab draw last week (he hadn't). I told him that I am researching counselors for us to see - we have to get a psychiatric "okay" before proceeding with donor sperm - and he is open to that. I told him that I have done some thinking, and I think we should proceed with genetic testing of him sometime soon - if something comes back that would prevent us from wanting to go forward with IVF then it makes sense to find that out soon...it would make our decision for us.
Well, the talk didn't go as planned. At one point I teared up and started crying. He waved his hands in front of him in a dismissive manner and said, "You really need to see someone". Wow. Thanks hon'.
Throughout the next 2 hours he yelled, I cried, I raised my voice, I left the room. It was bad. He said "You're obsessed". That hurt. I am NOT obsessed. I told him that I think one of the reasons that I was getting upset so easily that day was the news of one of my best friend's pregnancies. He said, "I just don't understand you. If one of my good friends was pregnant I would just be happy for them, it wouldn't make me sad that we weren't pregnant. You've got to get over being sad every time you see a baby, or see a pregnant woman, you can't live like this." His advice was that I should just imagine everyone pregnant and get over that now so that way when it happens I won't be sad.
You know I wish I was a robot that could program myself that way but I'm not.
I am so jealous of those couples that say infertility has brought them closer together. I have never felt farther away from my husband. The way he is reacting is teaching me not to cry in front of him, not to show him my sadness, and not to initiate conversations about this. THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!
He said that he is surprised that he is not more upset about all of this. I completely agree. We came to the conclusion that he must not have processed everything fully yet. SO I am not bringing anything up until he does. I think I am learning that he needs to come to terms with all of this shit in his own time and in his own way. It's just so fucking hard.
I will ALWAYS have a tinge of sadness in my heart when I hear a pregnancy announcement, or see a newborn baby, or notice a baby bump. I think that's normal...not obsessive or the thoughts of someone who needs help. Hearing my friend's announcement didn't send me to my room in tears, or cause me to sink into a deep depression, it just hurt a little.
Last night I decided I needed to talk about everything, to touch base and see where we are at. DH was open to talking, or at least it seemed like that at first. I asked if he had gotten the results back from his repeat testosterone lab draw last week (he hadn't). I told him that I am researching counselors for us to see - we have to get a psychiatric "okay" before proceeding with donor sperm - and he is open to that. I told him that I have done some thinking, and I think we should proceed with genetic testing of him sometime soon - if something comes back that would prevent us from wanting to go forward with IVF then it makes sense to find that out soon...it would make our decision for us.
Well, the talk didn't go as planned. At one point I teared up and started crying. He waved his hands in front of him in a dismissive manner and said, "You really need to see someone". Wow. Thanks hon'.
Throughout the next 2 hours he yelled, I cried, I raised my voice, I left the room. It was bad. He said "You're obsessed". That hurt. I am NOT obsessed. I told him that I think one of the reasons that I was getting upset so easily that day was the news of one of my best friend's pregnancies. He said, "I just don't understand you. If one of my good friends was pregnant I would just be happy for them, it wouldn't make me sad that we weren't pregnant. You've got to get over being sad every time you see a baby, or see a pregnant woman, you can't live like this." His advice was that I should just imagine everyone pregnant and get over that now so that way when it happens I won't be sad.
You know I wish I was a robot that could program myself that way but I'm not.
I am so jealous of those couples that say infertility has brought them closer together. I have never felt farther away from my husband. The way he is reacting is teaching me not to cry in front of him, not to show him my sadness, and not to initiate conversations about this. THAT'S NOT HEALTHY!
He said that he is surprised that he is not more upset about all of this. I completely agree. We came to the conclusion that he must not have processed everything fully yet. SO I am not bringing anything up until he does. I think I am learning that he needs to come to terms with all of this shit in his own time and in his own way. It's just so fucking hard.
I will ALWAYS have a tinge of sadness in my heart when I hear a pregnancy announcement, or see a newborn baby, or notice a baby bump. I think that's normal...not obsessive or the thoughts of someone who needs help. Hearing my friend's announcement didn't send me to my room in tears, or cause me to sink into a deep depression, it just hurt a little.
That is one of the really sucky parts about all of this, it takes time. Sometimes a lot if time. it's taken about 7 months for my DH to feel like we can move forward, it took that long for him to decide that "yes, I *do* want kids." He was uncertain about everything.
ReplyDeleteIn the meanwhile, we know what we want, and we still have to wait - because it is an *US* decision. Still - waiting is worth it. Give him time to figure out where he stands, and what he wants. We saw a counselor together, and it really helped us to understand exactly where the other stood.
I can't say that infertility has brought us closer - it hasn't. It has so far been one of the toughest tests we've ever been through, and it's still testing us. We've drifted apart some - but it's also helped reaffirm that we love each other. So, it's not all bad.
And - I don't think you're obsessed. I think that the twinge we get is normal and natural. I feel it myself. It's a terrible feeling to be jealous of your friends, isn't it.
I wanted to say thank you for stopping by my blog on a very happy day...when you are going through a lot. We have been there. Dealing with donor issues can be really difficult...and my husband isn't a talker. Let me know if you have questions...honestly, we are new to it all as well, and have been insanely lucky so far. I added you to my list and I will be following along :) HUGS!
ReplyDeleteMy hubby has also said a few times how he doesn't understand women who get jealous about other women's pregnancies rather than just be happy. I think it's just another way that men and women are different. Like they need far more time to process things and I've found my hubby processes things better when left to contemplate things on his own. Try to give him time and space.
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