It's just not fair

Please give support to the lovely Turiatoday.  She just found out she lost her much loved and much wanted 2nd baby.  She has always been so supportive of me and my heart is breaking for her.

What the hell, right?

So I have 6 boxes of Clearblue Easy ovualtion predictor kits.  I noticed the other day that they expire this September so for the fun of it I used it this month.  It's the nice kind with the smiley face when you get your LH surge.  I was inordinately happy to get the smiley face.  I think just the positive reinforcemnt on a pee stick is good for the soul. LOL.  We did the BD at the appropriate time, I even elevated my hips afterward.  I got the giggles while doing so.  It reminded me of being a 27 year-old, naive newlywed.  This June will not only be our 5 year wedding anniversary, it will be 5 years since we pulled the goalie.  And in all that time the only pregnancies were after IVF.  You'd really think a 5mil/ml sperm count would be enough after 5 years of unprotected, relatively young sex wouldn't you?  So clearly this is just for fun and I doubt anything will come of it.  But hey it's free.  And I love the smiley face.

I'm also taking prenatals, fish oil, and have recently started eating pescetarian (no meat except seafood, hoping it lowers my slightly above normal cholesterol but also read it increases fertility?).  We are talking about DH maybe seeing a urologist here for a second opinion.  4 years ago when he first saw one the only real option was clomid.  I've read a lot lately about arimidex and injections of some sort.

As I end this rambling, short, TMI post I wonder why I wrote it?  I guess it just feels wrong to do anything in the TTC realm without sharing with the interwebz.  

The RE finally emailed me, and truthfully by that point I was rather bored by the whole thing.  They are using the same embryologist, blah blah blah, but are opening a state of that art lab, blah blah blah.  It was EXTREMELY nice of him to take time out of his busy schedule to email me, and I appreciated it, I am just kind of over my anger toward the way certain things were handled during my last cycle.

Life is good here.  She had her first haircut yesterday - I posted pics over there.  We just bought her a scooter (every kid has a scooter here, like it's a thing) and she is figuring it out quickly.  So seeing her with this grown up short haircut, riding a scooter is like mind-blowing!!  She is getting so big!!!!!!

I've had friends both IRL and blog friends have losses recently.  It really made me feel so incredibly lucky to have Pipsqueak at all, and to spend much energy at all on the unfairness of not being able to have another one seems so trivial.  Life is so fucking unfair.  Infertility sucks so bad and I wish none of my loved ones would ever have to go through this.

Rude, and thoughts on further family building

For a moment there I thought the RE's office was showing a little empathy but alas I was wrong.  A couple days after my last post I was fb messaged back by the office.  I guess the person in charge of the office account is the financial/office coordinator, whom I really like.  She told me the RE was going to call me to discuss my concerns.  I emailed her back telling her that I now live in Dubai and therefore no longer have the same phone number.  She replied that he had tried to call and figured that out.  She then said he would email me that weekend instead.  I was a little excited, not sure why, maybe just because I felt like a little closure would be nice.  Well 3 weeks later and no email has been sent to me.  Oh well, I mean what was he going to say that would make a difference anyway?

Things are good here!  I've been blogging about our time here at my new space.  I'm kinda afraid that my relatives reading my new blog may now have found this blog from my referencing it here.  Umm, I think I am ok with that, even though most of them don't know I am very open about our infertility struggles.  But it is weird not knowing who is reading.

A few weeks ago DH and I casually threw around ideas about maybe having another baby.  However there are just so many obstacles:

1. Even though IVF is cheaper here by about half I think, not sure how much medications run, it is just not something we are comfortable with.  The number one reason is that it is illegal to freeze embryos here.  Isn't that odd?  Living in a Muslim country does have some drawbacks.  Another reason is we are just not sure how regulated the industry is here.  I read something on the internet, who knows how true it is, about a Dr here 5 years ago using donor sperm for IVFs to increase his success rate and not telling the couples?  I mean wtf? The third reason is I don't think either of us want to do IVF again anyway - I mean it just plain sucks.  Especially this last cycle (obvi).

2.  Donor sperm is illegal here.  So the option of dIUIs is out of the question.  Truthfully I think this is the option we would be most likely to try if we were still living in the states.  (Easy to say since it is not an option, I realize that) (also pregnancy outside of marriage is illegal, as in you get deported if you are unmarried and pregnant! )

3. Adoption is VERY hard here.  There are babies abandoned due to the aforementioned law, but only the Emiratis are allowed to adopt them.  I am not sure of all the laws surrounding this, again this is from basic googling.  From what I read the 2 countries we could potentially adopt are Mexico and some country in Africa?  Sorry I cannot remember which one.  The stories I read were mostly 6-12 month old babies being adopted.  I also read that it is VERY hard to navigate the beaurocratic red tape when it comes to taking the child back to the USA.  I apologize that I am simplifying and if any of my information is incorrect - I am by NO means an expert.

Basically the 3 avenues that we could take here to have another child are not roads we can go down.

We then discussed maybe doing dIUI or adoption when we move back to the US, which would be in a minimum of 2 years.  By then DH will be in his 40s, I will be in my mid-30s (32 now).  So we both feel that we probably won't.  I don't know, most days I am actually kind of glad I only have one child, for all sorts of reasons.  Other days I think I would like 5 kids.  =-)  I know everyone waffles on this but it sucks having the decision pretty much made for you.

I sent my R.E's office a passive agressive message on Facebook

Wasn't that a mature thing to do?

They posted an article touting their new embryologist, with brand new lab equipment, etc., etc., etc.  The article was dripping with enthusiasm and optimism.  It made me want to puke.

I clicked on the link for the bio of their new embryologist.  Certainly not the person I met at their office, not the person who repeatedly told me conflicting things throughout our cycle, not the person who in June 2013 when I had my sit down with the NP was told was "our new embryologist who is having such high success and freeze rates that it gives me chills".

The article literally made me sick to my stomach.  If so soon after hiring the last guy they had to go get a 'world-class, precedent setting' embryologist then obviously the man who made and handled my embryos was hideous.  Otherwise why the quick turnover?

So I sent them a message simply asking when this new embryologist started work there and that I was told in June that the embryologist had just started then.  That was 3 days ago and I haven't heard anything back.  I'm sure I won't.  It definitely made me feel better though just to shove it in their faces.

2 years old!

How is that possible?

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I have a two year old.  That seems so old!!!!!!

We are going to have a very low-key day - I ordered a chocolate birthday cake, we just had pancakes for breakfast and we are going to the beach later.  We have a few presents for her to open but nothing major.  Our focus today is spending time as a family together and having fun!

Whirlwind

Life with a 22 month old is nuts!  Good crazy but so busy!  She never sits still, is starting to speak short sentences, and amazes me every day.  Today she brought me her baby doll and the wipes and said, "poopy!!"  So I changed the baby :)

At her early 2 year appt (at 22 months) she weighed 26.5 lbs (60th percentile) and was 34.5 inches (90th percentile). Dr said she's gonna be tall and skinny (I'm jealous).

We leave  in 2 weeks.  There is still so much left to do before we leave!   I'm so ready to just be there.  I still need to start a new blog to document our travels ...when I do I will definitely share it here.

There have been three million "I'm gonna be a big sister" etc announcements on Facebook and in blogs lately. I'm obviously happy for everyone, but it always feels like a punch in the gut.  Funnily enough I don't have that reaction to someone getting pregnant with their first.   But siblings get to me somehow.  That said I feel really settled with only having one.  I've sold or given away almost every single baby item and am realizing how much easier our new adventure will be without a pregnancy and newborn to deal with.  Oh well, decision made and that's that.

Love to all!