A year ago yesterday was the day I called the RE and my husband and I decided to move forward with IVF...several months earlier than we had planned.
A year ago today was my first appt, and day one of bcp.I can't believe it's been a year. As some of you may remember I was pretty sure that it wasn't going to work. My attitude wasn't exactly negative, I was (I thought) just being realistic and trying to protect myself. I tried not to get my hopes up. I was adamant about doing only one cycle..and if it didn't work I was going to embrace being a DINK. (obviously I have no idea what I really would have done but I really really didn't want to go through IVF again). The night before I POAS I spent about 4 hours on the Internet researching travel to New Zealand..I was so certain the cramps I felt were AF getting ready to start and I had to focus on the future and being childless.The BFP was the biggest shock of my life. Seriously I couldn't have been more shocked...I know it sounds stupid but there it is.
I remember POAS upstairs in my bathroom and seeing the blank white where the test line should be. I was not surprised, and really not even that sad. It was 6dp5dt and I pretty much knew that I should have a positive this day if it had worked. I took the test with me downstairs and was looking through the fridge for something to eat. I turned around and looked at the test on my kitchen counter and it literally took my breath away. There was a faint 2nd line. I called my mom up and said, "I think I might be pregnant". I was shaking. I emailed her a picture and she said I definitely was. I called my hubby and he was so excited! I remained in shock the rest of the day.
It became real when we saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. I (naively) was pretty unafraid of miscarriage after that point. In retrospect I can't believe I wasn't terrified. If I had protected my heart while waiting for the pregnancy test result I certainly was protecting nothing anymore - my hopes were sky high and I would have been devastated had anything happened to the pregnancy.
During the bad morning sickness, the scary pre-eclampsia, the strict on my side 5 weeks of bed rest, the horrible induction with emergency c-section, and the extreme sleep deprivation of the first 6 weeks I was adamant that she would be our "only". I was never going to do this again. We got lucky with IVF working the first time - we have no frozen embryos and I took that as a sign. Out of 19 eggs retrieved we ended up with one perfect embryo (assuming our baby is the 5aa and not the 1bb). But. Now that I have a smiling, laughing 3 month old I am having some disturbing thoughts - I'd like another please. My husband is on board - he has always wanted at least two. But I don't know - it is so overwhelming to even think about. Was my second FSH level that came back elevated indicative of a decreased fertility on my part? Could we ever afford IVF again?
It is easier to just imagine that we are done. I can't fathom IVF while having a baby/toddler. Also morning sickness? God forbid bed rest?
Maybe we should stop while we're ahead.
Then I think "Thank God we did IVF when we did, or she wouldn't be here". "Thank God we picked the RE we did or she wouldn't be here". "Thank God the embryologist picked the sperm she did to inject or she wouldn't be here". You get the picture. A lot of thanking God when I'm not even a religious person.
So what if deciding that we are done means a child of ours that is meant to be doesn't get a chance? What if we had decided not to do IVF? Pipsqueak wouldn't be here. That kills me.
So how do you know when you're done?
Such a powerful post! I wasn't supposed to do more than 1 IVF. I had decided that if I didn't get pregnant after my FETs, I was done. I don't remember the events that changed my mind, just that I felt I wasn't ready to be done. So I tried one more IVF with a different RE, and here I am pregnant! I had already decided that if this didn't work and my FET didn't work I might try one more IVF. So I am not good at knowing when to be done. I guess it's when you just can't go through another cycle? Good luck with your decision. I know you will make the right one and I wish you the best in whatever you decide. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks love!!!
Deletebeautiful post. so many things came together just perfectly to make your daughter. i don't know how you decide when you're done. i guess just keep trying on the different options and see what feels right.
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Mo
i don't know how to answer this question. i think when g was around pipsqueak's age, i felt the same way you did...then, as we started gearing up for our FET, i felt so unsure about growing our family, and how far we would go if our FETs didn't work. i still feel unsure, even now, if we have a successful live birth of our second child about whether we would go and try another IVF if our next FET cycle fails. it's so hard. i wish it were so easy for us to decide and have our family look the way we dreamed it would so many years ago. all to say -- praying you have some direction and peace about how your family looks. hugs!
ReplyDeleteHmm, I don't know since I am not in your shoes, yet. My husband was saying we can't afford another baby (without even having #1) and I told him that we cannot make any decisions until we know what it will be like.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel like you will have doubt/regret if you don't try, then you should try. I know you can handle whatever comes your way with PG, don't underestimate your strength!
this is a difficult question and one i havent even answered yet and i'm still in full stuggle mode with 2 week old twins. because we do have 2 embies left...and i cant let them go. :( But your heart will lead you.
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