It's been awhile!

Aside from infertility life has been amazing....we are just wrapping up a European beach vacation, Pipsqueak has been growing leaps and bounds (started nursery school, ballet lessons, can sing her ABCs, count to 10, and is a just an overall joy), and our family of 3 is spending a lot more time together than we were able to in the US.  We are very glad we took the risk and moved here.  Life seriously feels like a holiday to me much of the time (well except for the heat which is beginning....so we are about to be shut-ins for  the next  4-5 months - luckily we have 2.5 month travels to the US planned!).

Our thoughts on using ART for another attempt at a second child have wavered back and forth, often with DH and I feeling opposite at any given time.  About a month ago I really researched IVF over here and emailed the coordinator for more information.   The cost seems reasonable - 37,000 dirhams for one cycle including absolutely everything - meds, u/s, ICSI, anesthesia.  That amounts to $10,000 USD.   I like the all up front aspect, no surprises.   I also like that they allow kids at appointments...I know that's not appreciated by women trying for their first but having no family here that would be soooo important.

My biggest concern on IVF here is that it is still illegal to freeze embryos.   Why I do not know.  I mean I know it is because of religion...they are very antiabortion here.   However to me....destroying good day 5 blastocysts seems like abortion to me, am I wrong?  How is that different?  Doesn't it seem more morally sound to freeze those embryos to give them a chance at life later rather than incinerate them?  Not that I judge anyone who does destroy embryos, or have an abortion, but I am just trying to wrap my mind around the logic here.  Personally I would not have an abortion unless my life was in danger/baby had a terminal illness, etc.

Okay, I didn't mean for this post to turn into a moral debate (within myself! LOL).

Basically I wouldn't feel good if I had embryos which showed a chance at life get destroyed.   We always said we would transfer any embryo that had potential.   Well both IVFs we've had 2 blasts and transferred both.   And each time there were no embryos with the potential for life that were left over.   The only embryos destroyed were ones that had stopped growing or were severely behind by day 7.

If history repeated itself this no freezing policy would not matter obviously.  But if by some miracle we had 6 great blastocysts I would just have a nervous breakdown.

The law has changed a few times I guess.   So basically we don't feel comfortable moving forward unless the law changes back.

And besides all of this, neither of us are 100% that we would do another IVF anyway.  For me I of course would do it if there was a guarantee of success.  But seriously out of I think 21 embryos we've only had 4 blasts and 1 baby.   Not great odds.

So back to me thinking I was all ready to do it last month.   That same week I signed up Pipsqueak for nursery school.  She goes now 1 morning a week and will go in September 3 mornings a week.  The cost for 3 mornings is 7000 dirhams a term.  3 terms a year so 21,000 dirhams a year, i.e. Approx almost 2/3 of the cost of one IVF cycle.  We were discussing whether we can afford this nursery school and suddenly I was like this is freaking insane.   We should spend the money on our child that is here, living and breathing, not on more drugs, surgeries and heartache trying to conceive another baby.

So we made the decision we will not be doing IVF again (caveats we discussed are a sudden huge windfall of money or moving to a place/job with IVF insurance coverage).  But no more will we take money from our child for IVF.

We are going to get DH a urology appt to repeat hormone levels and discuss clomid/arimidex/hormone treatment.   We figure this option probably won't work but is comparatively low in cost, risk, heartache potential.

The thing that still gets me though, and leaves that sliver of a doubt is that we could totally afford another cycle.   Believe me I know that means we are blessed!  Moving to the Middle East, leaving all of our family and friends, was mostly tolerable because we are able to build a nest egg for the future.  So we could pay for one cycle and it wouldn't affect our day to day life at all.  It would just take that much out of savings.   But we've done that once already.   We already spent some savings and tried IVF again, and it didn't work.   I'm hoping that because we did try once more that I won't years from now regret not doing it again.  It's hard to imagine that I probably won't ever be pregnant or breast-feed a baby again.

And truthfully....I don't think our family is incomplete without another child.  She is so amazing, DH and I looked at each other while out to eat this week and just both melted because she was being so cute.   That made us voice something, that we would give anything for another child like her!  Ugh.  This post has clearly gone nowhere.   Just wanted to check in and let you into the mind of crazy woman.  Our due date from our second pregnancy would be in a week and a half, and so many bloggers that got pregnant when I did are about to pop....that's probably why my head is so fucked up.  Thanks for listening!

CD 1

Because, obviously.   

It's just not fair

Please give support to the lovely Turiatoday.  She just found out she lost her much loved and much wanted 2nd baby.  She has always been so supportive of me and my heart is breaking for her.

What the hell, right?

So I have 6 boxes of Clearblue Easy ovualtion predictor kits.  I noticed the other day that they expire this September so for the fun of it I used it this month.  It's the nice kind with the smiley face when you get your LH surge.  I was inordinately happy to get the smiley face.  I think just the positive reinforcemnt on a pee stick is good for the soul. LOL.  We did the BD at the appropriate time, I even elevated my hips afterward.  I got the giggles while doing so.  It reminded me of being a 27 year-old, naive newlywed.  This June will not only be our 5 year wedding anniversary, it will be 5 years since we pulled the goalie.  And in all that time the only pregnancies were after IVF.  You'd really think a 5mil/ml sperm count would be enough after 5 years of unprotected, relatively young sex wouldn't you?  So clearly this is just for fun and I doubt anything will come of it.  But hey it's free.  And I love the smiley face.

I'm also taking prenatals, fish oil, and have recently started eating pescetarian (no meat except seafood, hoping it lowers my slightly above normal cholesterol but also read it increases fertility?).  We are talking about DH maybe seeing a urologist here for a second opinion.  4 years ago when he first saw one the only real option was clomid.  I've read a lot lately about arimidex and injections of some sort.

As I end this rambling, short, TMI post I wonder why I wrote it?  I guess it just feels wrong to do anything in the TTC realm without sharing with the interwebz.  

The RE finally emailed me, and truthfully by that point I was rather bored by the whole thing.  They are using the same embryologist, blah blah blah, but are opening a state of that art lab, blah blah blah.  It was EXTREMELY nice of him to take time out of his busy schedule to email me, and I appreciated it, I am just kind of over my anger toward the way certain things were handled during my last cycle.

Life is good here.  She had her first haircut yesterday - I posted pics over there.  We just bought her a scooter (every kid has a scooter here, like it's a thing) and she is figuring it out quickly.  So seeing her with this grown up short haircut, riding a scooter is like mind-blowing!!  She is getting so big!!!!!!

I've had friends both IRL and blog friends have losses recently.  It really made me feel so incredibly lucky to have Pipsqueak at all, and to spend much energy at all on the unfairness of not being able to have another one seems so trivial.  Life is so fucking unfair.  Infertility sucks so bad and I wish none of my loved ones would ever have to go through this.

Rude, and thoughts on further family building

For a moment there I thought the RE's office was showing a little empathy but alas I was wrong.  A couple days after my last post I was fb messaged back by the office.  I guess the person in charge of the office account is the financial/office coordinator, whom I really like.  She told me the RE was going to call me to discuss my concerns.  I emailed her back telling her that I now live in Dubai and therefore no longer have the same phone number.  She replied that he had tried to call and figured that out.  She then said he would email me that weekend instead.  I was a little excited, not sure why, maybe just because I felt like a little closure would be nice.  Well 3 weeks later and no email has been sent to me.  Oh well, I mean what was he going to say that would make a difference anyway?

Things are good here!  I've been blogging about our time here at my new space.  I'm kinda afraid that my relatives reading my new blog may now have found this blog from my referencing it here.  Umm, I think I am ok with that, even though most of them don't know I am very open about our infertility struggles.  But it is weird not knowing who is reading.

A few weeks ago DH and I casually threw around ideas about maybe having another baby.  However there are just so many obstacles:

1. Even though IVF is cheaper here by about half I think, not sure how much medications run, it is just not something we are comfortable with.  The number one reason is that it is illegal to freeze embryos here.  Isn't that odd?  Living in a Muslim country does have some drawbacks.  Another reason is we are just not sure how regulated the industry is here.  I read something on the internet, who knows how true it is, about a Dr here 5 years ago using donor sperm for IVFs to increase his success rate and not telling the couples?  I mean wtf? The third reason is I don't think either of us want to do IVF again anyway - I mean it just plain sucks.  Especially this last cycle (obvi).

2.  Donor sperm is illegal here.  So the option of dIUIs is out of the question.  Truthfully I think this is the option we would be most likely to try if we were still living in the states.  (Easy to say since it is not an option, I realize that) (also pregnancy outside of marriage is illegal, as in you get deported if you are unmarried and pregnant! )

3. Adoption is VERY hard here.  There are babies abandoned due to the aforementioned law, but only the Emiratis are allowed to adopt them.  I am not sure of all the laws surrounding this, again this is from basic googling.  From what I read the 2 countries we could potentially adopt are Mexico and some country in Africa?  Sorry I cannot remember which one.  The stories I read were mostly 6-12 month old babies being adopted.  I also read that it is VERY hard to navigate the beaurocratic red tape when it comes to taking the child back to the USA.  I apologize that I am simplifying and if any of my information is incorrect - I am by NO means an expert.

Basically the 3 avenues that we could take here to have another child are not roads we can go down.

We then discussed maybe doing dIUI or adoption when we move back to the US, which would be in a minimum of 2 years.  By then DH will be in his 40s, I will be in my mid-30s (32 now).  So we both feel that we probably won't.  I don't know, most days I am actually kind of glad I only have one child, for all sorts of reasons.  Other days I think I would like 5 kids.  =-)  I know everyone waffles on this but it sucks having the decision pretty much made for you.

I sent my R.E's office a passive agressive message on Facebook

Wasn't that a mature thing to do?

They posted an article touting their new embryologist, with brand new lab equipment, etc., etc., etc.  The article was dripping with enthusiasm and optimism.  It made me want to puke.

I clicked on the link for the bio of their new embryologist.  Certainly not the person I met at their office, not the person who repeatedly told me conflicting things throughout our cycle, not the person who in June 2013 when I had my sit down with the NP was told was "our new embryologist who is having such high success and freeze rates that it gives me chills".

The article literally made me sick to my stomach.  If so soon after hiring the last guy they had to go get a 'world-class, precedent setting' embryologist then obviously the man who made and handled my embryos was hideous.  Otherwise why the quick turnover?

So I sent them a message simply asking when this new embryologist started work there and that I was told in June that the embryologist had just started then.  That was 3 days ago and I haven't heard anything back.  I'm sure I won't.  It definitely made me feel better though just to shove it in their faces.