Fml

Edited to add: I was very upset when I wrote this but I still want to post it. It was written on my blackberry and I debated whether or not to post it. Because I view this blog as a diary of sorts I want to remember these feelings. I think me and my husband will be okay, but things aren't better yet.

Written 1/1/11 8:04 am

I am mid flight right now from visiting family on the east coast for the new year.  My face is red, blotchy, my eyes are swollen, I have mascara all over my face, my nose is stopped up and I am getting sympathetic glances from a soldier in the next aisle.  Yep, I'm crying. I'm so frustrated right now that if I wasn't on a plane I'd go outside and yell "Fuck me" as loud as I possibly could.

Fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me.

I seriously just hate this fucking bitch called hope.  And it's starting to make me resent the one person I thought I could count on because he is the one who keeps offering hope and then seemingly snatching it back.

He keeps telling me to be sympathetic, to be sensitive to his feelings.  But I'm not a fucking mind reader and I'm sick to fucking death of his changing his mind.

It all started when I told him today that we should narrow down our choices and decide on a donor in the next 1-2 weeks to ensure that everything is there on time and there are no problems.  Suddenly I'm "pressuring him" and being "stressful".

He says, "Maybe we'll try this month, maybe we won't" all casually.

Fuck fuck fuck.

See I thought when he said he was ready, he was ready.  EXCUSE me for not reading into that statement all sensitively and understandingly.  EXCUSE me for actually taking what he said at face value.

He asked me if any husbands in this situation that I've read about have ever had second thoughts. I said of course but not usually after they finally come to the decision...but that I'd read of one couple in which the husband actually changed his mind in the REs office right before the insemination.  He said he completely understands that because you never know how you'll feel until you're in that moment.  I am in no fucking way gonna do this and be wondering at the last minute if he's gonna back out.

I just can't stop crying and my face is chapped from the shitty airline napkins.

We are pretty much giving each other the silent treatment.

God I don't know what to do but I know I can't do this for much longer.

The best part?  He asked me how I'd feel if we are never able to have kids.  I said, "I'd  probably be okay but I would be sad for the rest of my life." He then said I should go back to counseling.  OOOOH I never thought of that.  Counseling! Of course! They will make it better.  I bet I won't want kids at all after talking to them!  What a genius fucking idea Einstein fuck face.

I wish to God this had never happened to us.  We are not any closer for it.  I am so filled with sorrow right now.  Hate is even sneaking in there.  I feel so awful.

I might take a break from blogging.  I'm at the end of my rope right now.

This is how I feel...

"You can spend a year at sea waiting, but one day it becomes impossible to endure even another hour."

         -The Story of a Shipwrecked Sailor,

           Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Negative

for HIV, all the hepatitises, chlamydia, ghonorrea (sic), and like a billion other diseases.

Also I have resistance to German measles.  Woohoo!

I talked to the nurse briefly today about what to expect.  It all sounded normal...she said Dr Alan usually only does one insem per cycle, uses clomid to stimulate, estradiol to thicken lining.  The only thing I was unsure of is she said day 12 you come in for an ultrasound and if you're ready you get the shot in the office and come back the next day for insem.  I thought 36 hours was the average time?  Esp with donor sperm, it only lives 12-24 hours unlike fresh super sperm that survives 24-72 hours or something.  I stressed that I am in the medical field so giving shots at home would be no big deal.  So we'll see, I guess I am no RE but damn I am a DR GOOGLE!

Funniest thing that happened so far this month?  My period was 4 days late.  AND (WARNING TMI AHEAD!!!!) there had been no deposit made in the particular place that deposits need to be made in order for babies to be made.  And NO, not that dirty orifice, the other one, the one that is very clean, usually.

BUT STILL!  My period is almost never late!  I got myself worked up that I was accidentally pregnant with a 3 month old miracle fetus and the last couple of months were just spotting.  Because that would totally make sense what with all of the weight gain, crankiness, tears and bloating.  Of course!  So I ACTUALLY TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST.  I can at least say that I didn't buy one, back when we were ttc like rabbits I bought a million of them from babyhopes.com.  I am a POAS addict.  I thought I had kicked this particular habit but my brain was all like, "No, no, no".

Negative obviously.  The one comfort I have is that I have never had an evaporation line.  These tests are always like the great white abyss of despair.  I giggled when I saw the negative this time.  Back then I would have killed to see an evap line just for the fleeting hope.

So, yay!  And actually my cycle having been late is going to make the iui process in January soooo much better.  Otherwise I was going to be out of town while on clomid for the first time and I am such a baby about meds that I have been all worried about the side effects.

Happy holidays everyone!!!!!

stalking

I have been totally stalking the shit out of practically all of the online fertility forums.  I have read countless success and failure stories of IUIs both donor and non.  I'm sure any of my fertile family and friends would think this is obsessive and unhealthy but I think it is has had quite the opposite effect.  I feel much more hopeful! 

I do wonder how anyone goes through any sort of infertility treatment without the education of blog/forum stalking?  I feel like I know so much more than I ever could have learned from my doctor or out of any book.

Next week DH and I both have our blood work scheduled, Jan 1 I will be ordering the samples, and sometime late January my first dIUI cycle will start.

I'm ready!

Cautiously optimistic

I have been frequenting several IF boards, reading countless blogs, and googling donor sperm iui over and over.  I am getting so excited!

I work all weekend so DH is going to look over the print-outs of my favorite donors this weekend so we can discuss them soon.  My thought is we should pick our 'top 3' so we have options.  We probably won't be ordering until January so this gives us back-up in case our favorite is sold-out or something.  I am trying to think of any and all things that can go wrong so I can be prepared, at least mentally.

Things we need to do:

1. Get our blood work done.  We just go the orders in the mail from Dr Alan so we need to get this done in the next couple of weeks.
2. Fill out California Cryobank's paperwork (we must sign something and Dr Alan must sign something and send it in)
3. Trim our favorite donors down to 3.
4. Order 3-4 vials! (Dr Alan's office has storage so this can be done weeks before the IUI, but not before Jan 1 due to FSA usage)
5. Call Dr Alan's office when January AF starts (should be around Jan 12) to get meds and get tentative IUI schedule!

I am feeling so good now that we have a plan.  I have more questions for Dr Alan's office but I hate calling them constantly...I am going to list them here so I can reference this post next time I have them on the phone...

1. I know I will be using clomid and estradiol...is there a trigger shot I will be using?  What is it?
2. How many ultrasounds can I expect?
3. Do you recommend 1 or 2 IUIs/cycle when using donor sperm?

I think that's it.  Anyone have any other questions I should be asking?

Have a great weekend!

hee hee

DH and I had a great day watching football (GO CHIEFS!!!).  This evening I said, so sometime this week can we look through the donors I have found?  He replied, "Let's do it tonight!".  I was really excited, then about 15 minutes later he fell asleep on the couch.  It kinda makes me laugh...and is infuriating.

I am going to call Dr Alan this week to order our blood work so we can get it done this week or next.  I need to talk to the office to see if a January attempt is feasible.   CD1 that month should be about Jan 12...I am going out of town Jan 14-17.  I have read about baseline ultrasounds being in the first few days of a cycle?  God there is so much I don't know!

So basically my preparation has been to obsessively read blogs about iuis....anyone know of a good one that is in depth about an iui with clomid cycle (donor or not)? Sometimes it feels like a blogger will skim over the appts, ultrasounds, meds, etc...maybe bc clomid and iuis aren't very fancy in the scheme of things.

I personally have things narrowed down to 6 different donors..3 criteria they must meet - Rh positive blood, CMV negative, and fair skin (DH and I are both practically albino :).  Other than that I based it on reading their profiles and trying to get an 'idea' about their personality.  Probably bullshit but whatever.

Have a great week everyone!

Just when I thought I wasn't going to cry all week...

I see this video on a fellow infertile's blog.  I held it together until the end and then sobbed.  Kinda cathartic actually...so if you need a good cry watch it.  If you are already feeling fragile today then skip it!